Nothing Else Matters
by GreysAddict522
Summary: After the Season 3 finale, how over is it for MerDer? Can they repair all of the damage that they've done to their relationship? MerDer focus with other characters integrated into their plot. THE FINAL CHAPTER IS UP!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: This story picks up immediately after "Didn't We Almost Have It All" (Season 3 Finale) so there is much damage to be repaired. I need to clear away all of Shonda's "Burn it all down" debris to build it back up. Please know from the outset that I am a huge MerDer shipper, so I will make things work for them. It's just going to take a while. Lots of things to repair and loose ends to tie up…**

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* * *

**When Meredith opened her eyes to look at the alarm clock, she didn't mind that she had only had a couple hours of sleep, if that. Although exhausted from the previous day's events, her body simply refused to sleep any longer. Her eyes were wide open and her mind was racing to places far, far away from the calm of sleep. 

_It's over. It's so over._

She rubbed her hands over her eyes, helping them slowly adjust from the deep blackness of sleep to the intrusive red digits beaming from the alarm clock. She still couldn't comprehend exactly what had happened the yesterday. Even though she had witnessed Burke's conversation with Cristina, she couldn't believe that they weren't going to have their happily ever after. And the march up the aisle toward Derek to announce that everyone should go home had been the longest walk of her life. She had been looking forward to the wedding, to the sense of relief she would feel when it was all over and she and Derek would follow Cristina and Burke back up the aisle to the rear of the church, celebrating their best friends' marriage. She expected to have a great time at the reception, knowing that her friend had made it and that she could finally be with Derek. They would laugh and dance and drink, and she had no doubt that after the romance of the evening she could lure him back home to bed with her for a long overdue marathon of sex. But instead, she found herself sleeping in the cold space normally occupied by Preston Burke on an overly hard mattress with a broken friend.

The night had been painful and awkward. Surreal almost. Cristina sobbed uncontrollably, a sight that caused Meredith's stomach to clutch in anger and disbelief at the situation. And although Cristina didn't try to talk about it, Meredith imagined her pain acutely, envisioning how she would feel if Derek had done the same thing to her. In some ways, he had. He had asked her to let him go…to end this and put him out of his misery. To release him so he could go flirt with girls he met at Joe's. The bright and shiny Merediths like the one he had fallen in love with a year ago, not the dark and twisty one that he was with now.

_I make him miserable. I have to let him go,_ Meredith thought to herself, and she felt the tears that she had exhausted the night before begin to replenish themselves. She looked over at her friend, still sound asleep next to her, and began to imagine the ways they'd get through this together. Maybe they could take up jogging again, or engage in some retail therapy during their rare moments off. And tequila. Lots and lots of tequila. Still, none of this sounded too appealing to Meredith, and she wiped her eyes defensively as she rolled out of bed, careful not to wake Cristina.

_5a.m. I can be at the hospital before 6 and find a way to make myself useful. Maybe check on Adele and see if the chief is still there or find a good surgery for the day._ Meredith bit her lower lip as she imagined herself arriving there so early, trying to think of some excuse for the extra time spent there. Surely everyone knew by now what had happened at the wedding, maybe no one would expect her to talk about it. But deep down she knew that even if no one confronted Meredith directly, everyone would be talking, whispering, and speculating. And they _would_ confront her, because they liked gossip and talking to Meredith was far easier than talking to the abandoned bride.

_I'll go and defend Cristina. I'll stop the whispering before she goes back to work. _Feeling more determined that she needed to go, she quietly slid out of the bedroom, found her keys, and made her way out the door. Cristina would instinctively know where her friend went when she woke up, so a note was unnecessary. She decided that she wouldn't even stop home to change out of the old sweatpants and t-shirt she had borrowed from Cristina. She would just shower once she got to the hospital. She was feeling indescribably claustrophobic, and she urgently needed to leave.

* * *

Derek sprawled on the couch in his office, his legs dangling over the arm of it since he was too tall to fit comfortably. His tie and jacket functioned as an acceptable makeshift pillow as he stared up at the ceiling and watched as shadows occasionally danced along it from nurses walking through the hallway. He hadn't felt like taking the ferry home to his trailer that night, and to be honest, he hadn't planned on needing to. He expected that he'd just spend the night at Meredith's. He had even packed a change of clothes so he'd be ready for work the following day. But all of those plans shattered for reasons he couldn't begin to explain. He felt numb, and he began to wonder if this was how Meredith had felt when she had given up in the water. The cold dark water that he had pulled her from and that made it impossible for him to be near ferryboats the same way he had when he first came to Seattle. 

_Dammit... Why can't I make this work?_ he thought silently as he slowly covered his face with both hands and rubbed his eyes with his fingertips. He was certain that his eyes would be bloodshot from the night without sleep, but he wasn't sure he even cared. He wasn't looking to impress anyone anyway. And with his spiky black hair going in all directions and a day's worth of stubble plastered on his face, he was certain he wouldn't. With a final groan to indicate that insomnia had conquered his evening, Derek found the momentum to sit up and reach for his duffel bag. It was nearly 6am, and he figured he might as well check in on his patients and start his day. He checked his Sidekick one last time for messages. Nothing. He sighed wearily and tossed the device back onto the couch. He hadn't expected anything, but a small part of him hoped there would be a text message at the very least. _Maybe she'll call later today and apologize for yesterday in her own fumbly, rambly way…_The corner of his mouth turned upward in a small but fleeting smirk as he imagined her trying to apologize, but as reality returned he knew that it was unlikely. If he had learned one thing from Meredith, it was that she was pretty damn stubborn when it came to expressing feelings one way or another, and god knows he had tried to break through to her. All he could do now was try to focus on work, and that meant getting dressed.

Ordinarily Derek didn't mind being at the hospital so early in the morning. The building had a quiet to it as it was slowly penetrated by doctors, nurses, staff, and patients all arriving throughout the morning. He even considered himself a morning person. But today felt different to him. The sounds of people walking by irritated him, and he knew that he would need an extra strong coffee to get him through the morning hours or else he was certain to take out his frustrations on some unsuspecting nurse or patient. He coursed through the corridor and headed toward the hospital bridge so he could make his way down to the lobby coffee cart. His body was on automatic pilot now, and as he turned the corner to approach the bridge, he almost didn't notice the obstacle standing in the middle.

_Meredith_.

Her image took his breath away and stopped him immediately. Even though he suspected she had received about as much sleep as he had, she still looked stunning in her pale blue scrubs. Her hair was swept back in a ponytail that looked especially golden as the orange sunrise streaming through the window reflected off her head. She was leaning toward the railing, facing the sun, and even from a distance he could tell she was deep in thought.

_I need to go to her_, he thought. _I need her_. He had no idea what he would say or whether she would even talk to him, but he knew he needed to at least try. He slowly but casually walked across the bridge to stand next to her, careful not to interrupt her thoughts too much as he assumed a similar position to her right, leaning up against the rail with both hands placed firmly on it, as if he needed it to help keep himself standing.

"Hi," she whispered without even looking at him.

"Hi," he muttered back. He could already tell that this was going to be awkward. He had no idea what to say to her at this moment, and he sensed that she felt the same way. After a silence that lasted far too long to be comfortable, he finally continued. "How is Cristina holding up?"

Meredith looked down at the floor below and shrugged. "Fine, I guess. She's sad and angry and not really talking yet."

"I know the feeling," Derek reacted without even considering the full implication of his response.

Meredith inhaled deeply and bit her lower lip. He could tell that she was trying to hold back tears as her body slumped a little. He immediately felt guilty for the comment as he could tell it had hurt her deeply, like a sharp dagger piercing her as she realized his comment was more of a reflection of his feelings about them, not Cristina.

She shifted her weight from her right to her left, leaning a little further away from him, and cleared her throat. "The new interns start today," she declared calmly.

"Yeah?" he replied nervously, a bit surprised by the change in topic.

"Yeah. Which means, I'm now considered a second year…a resident…and I need…I need to decide on my specialization." She nervously resumed gnawing on her lower lip with such determination he was sure she would be bleeding soon.

"Do you know what you want to do?" he asked cautiously. He had always assumed that she would be a neurosurgeon. She showed tremendous interest and talent in the area, and he was certain that it was genuine—not just an attempt to humor him.

"I thought I wanted to be a neurosurgeon," she confirmed, "but now I'm not so sure."

His heart began to beat more rapidly as an elixir of adrenaline and rage cycled through his veins. He felt his body flush with heat as he stared at her. How dare she do this, first deserting _him_ and then abandoning the career path that fit her so perfectly. He wanted to grab her and shake her and convince her that she was fucking up everything, but all he could manage was an audibly exasperated sigh. His fight was gone. He couldn't keep doing this.

"What do you mean _now_ you're not so sure?" he asked through slightly clenched teeth.

"I just…I don't know if it's a good idea…if it's right…for me…for…us," she stammered, her voice deflating to a whisper as she uttered that last syllable…_us_... "I mean, I know that if I specialize in neurosurgery, we'd have to work together…a lot…and I don't know if that would be good right now…not…now."

"Meredith…"

"I just think we need to try to avoid situations that will make this…" Her voice trailed off. _Worse?_ _More painful? More miserable? _She wasn't sure where she was going with the sentence, but she felt like she had needed to keep talking so he wouldn't have to. Still, the more she said, the less reliable her voice was becoming. She looked over at him, her eyes pleading with him not to make her continue, but as she saw the darkness of his expression, she knew this was going much worse than she had rehearsed mentally in the car ride over. His eyes were a deep and stormy blue that matched his scrubs, and she could tell with the wounded intensity of his look that he was taking this very badly.

_Just put him out of his misery, Mere, you can do this…_

She cleared her throat again and forced herself to straighten up and face him. "We just need to avoid situations that will make this harder for us. I think it's best that we keep our distance for a while."

His heart clenched in his chest as she confirmed his suspicions. She was breaking up with him. "So, yesterday, at the church, you weren't just talking about the wedding. You were talking about _us_." He felt nauseous as his stomach tightened. His legs began to wobble a little, and he gripped the railing even tighter, making his knuckles turn a pasty white. His whole body felt like it was shutting down from mental and physical exhaustion.

Meredith slumped a little again and looked back down at the floor. She didn't want to do this, and she had known it would be difficult, but this is what she _had _to do. She needed to end this before it went any further. She didn't want to damage him anymore.

"I'm sorry, Derek. You know I don't want to hurt you…"

"Then don't," he interrupted angrily.

"But this is…this is for the best. We'll only hurt each other more if we keep on pretending…"

Something deep within Derek snapped, and the dam that was holding back his fury could no longer stem the flow. "_Pretending? _Is _that_ what you've been doing? Because yesterday, when I said that you are the love of my life, _I _wasn't pretending!" His voice was loud now, and the two were drawing raised eyebrows and stares from people crossing the bridge or standing in the lobby down below. The gossip mongers would have plenty to talk about today. First Burke and Yang, now Shepherd and Grey.

"Derek, I'm sorry…" Meredith choked on her own sobs and quickly turned away from him breaking into a sprint to get away.

"Meredith!" he called desperately, knowing that it wouldn't do anything to stop her from running away from him. "Meredith, please!" But she continued running and he watched her small frame dart out of sight.

He lifted his hands to his face again and leaned against the railing, hoping the metal and glass structure would support the weight he was too drained to support himself.

_I need to get out of here. I can't be here now,_ Derek thought. _I'll cancel my surgeries. I'll say I'm sick. I'll go home._ And it wouldn't be a total lie. Derek did feel sick – sick that the only doctor he was interested in seeing wouldn't be making house calls anymore.

He mustered up the energy to turn back towards his office so he could leave a message with his secretary, gather his things, and leave Seattle Grace. He was in no condition to be a doctor today.


	2. Chapter 2

By the time Meredith reached the locker room, she was nearly hyperventilating. She barged into the room and instinctively laid down on the bench in front of her locker, oblivious to everyone and everything she had passed along the way. She hadn't even noticed that someone else was rummaging through a locker she had ran right past. All she could do was think about Derek…and breathing…and Derek…

"Hello? Are you okay?" a tentative voice called from behind Meredith. A small woman with dark brown hair and sparkling eyes poked her head around the metallic bank of lockers and watched as Meredith fought for air. Her breaths were in quick, erratic gasps, and the woman knew that she needed to find a way to help. She stepped closer to Meredith and locked eyes with her. "Hey, slow down! You need to slow down your breathing. Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…Exhale…nice and slow…" Her voice was soothing and there was something kind and familiar about her. Meredith worked to follow the directions and within a few moments she had calmed down fully, physically anyway. Mentally, not so much.

"You had me scared there, for a minute," the stranger continued, a nervous giggle following. "My first day hasn't even officially started yet and I have patients throwing themselves at me in the locker room!"

Meredith couldn't help but smile. A new intern. She remembered how excited she too had been on her first day. How she had almost been late due to the one-night-stand still plaguing her a full year later. This intern, though, clearly wasn't risking being late. Interns weren't expected to report for a full hour yet, the late morning start a small luxury afforded to ease them into the brutal schedule.

Meredith sat up and tried to ignore the visions of Derek swimming through her head. "So you're an intern, I take it?"

"Yeah. I'm Lexie. Lexie Grey," the girl responded, extending her hand out to shake Meredith's.

Meredith's eyes widened and she took in a deep breath. "Seriously? Lexie _Grey_?"

Lexie pulled her hand back down to her side and shifted nervously. "Um…yeah…is everything…are you sure you're okay?" She studied Meredith cautiously as she slowly realized who she was talking to. "Oh shit, you're Meredith aren't you?"

Meredith nodded, still in disbelief that she was looking at her half-sister.

"Wow. I wasn't expecting to meet you…like this…" Lexie said, collapsing onto the bench next to Meredith.

Meredith resumed the nibbling on her lower lip as she fidgeted with her hands, searching for a way to make sense of this encounter. "You're doing your internship at Seattle Grace?" Meredith asked. She knew it was a stupid question – she already knew the answer – but she felt like she needed to say something.

"Yeah, I was planning to do it out east, but after Mom…" her voice trailed off as she looked back at Meredith. "I thought I should try to be closer to home, to keep an eye on Dad."

Meredith nodded, fidgeting a bit more frantically as memories of Susan's death and her last two confrontations with Thatcher Grey hit her in tsunami-like waves.

The awkward silence continued.

"How is…how is Thatcher doing?" Meredith resumed the conversation, looking back over at Lexie.

"He's a mess. He drinks…all the time…and he cries…and it's…hard. He doesn't know how to cope." Lexie fought down her own emotions, watching Meredith wince at the honest description of their father's behavior. She didn't want to make this conversation worse. "You know," she continued, "Molly told me…what happened at the hospital…the day of the funeral, and I'm sorry about that. I really am."

Meredith winced again. "Stop. You don't have to do this."

"Do what?"

"_This_. This thing…Where you try to make everything okay with us because we share half of our DNA."

"Meredith, that's not why I'm saying this. I truly _am _sorry about how he has treated you. I know that it's not your fault that Mom died, and I know it would have meant a lot to her to have you at the funeral. She told me about you and considered you…family."

Family. Meredith wasn't even sure she knew what that word was supposed to mean anymore. From what she could tell, family was just a code word for people that left her or hurt her or both. At least when it came to biological family. In Meredith's mind, Cristina was the only real family she had left.

"Look, I know you were upset about something when you came in here, and I don't want to make you more upset by talking about this, but I would really like for things to be okay between us this year. I don't expect us to do the sister thing where we share clothes or hang out or anything like that, but I know this year will be hard - really hard - and I'd like to know that you don't hate me." Lexie looked up at Meredith expectantly, trying to read her expression.

Meredith stared back, her mouth moving as though she was trying to figure out what to say but couldn't sync her lips with a voice.

"Just tell me you don't hate me already. At least get to know me first. Maybe you'll even think I'm ok," Lexie smiled, almost begging for acceptance from her older sister.

Meredith finally nodded. "I don't hate you, Lexie. You don't need to worry about me." She felt a pang of guilt over the thoughts running through her head. _I do hate you. I hate that you had a happy childhood with my dad and a mom that clearly loved you. I hate that you're beautiful. I hate that you're working in my hospital…_But she knew that she couldn't really blame Lexie for all those things. She was certainly jealous, but she wouldn't do anything malicious towards her. She wouldn't be her enemy. She didn't need any more enemies right now.

"Okay, then. Now that we've got that settled, what can you tell me about the Nazi?" Lexie giggled nervously. "Everything I've heard about her terrifies me. Is she really that bad?"

Meredith smiled at the thought of Lexie working under Miranda Bailey. She quickly found herself sharing stories and suggestions for handling Dr. Bailey, and for a few minutes, she no longer found herself thinking about Derek. For a few minutes, she thought she might even like this new Grey.


	3. Chapter 3

The weather outside the trailer reflected Derek's mood perfectly. It was stormy with loud cracks of thunder and rain pelting the outside. Even though it was now early afternoon, it was almost dark enough outside to make it feel like night. He hugged a pillow fiercely as he stared up at the rain battering the window over his bed. It was coming down so quickly he was surprised it didn't collapse, sending a flood of cold water over his body. He was certain that he wouldn't even bother to move if it happened.

"What's wrong? Are you sick?"

Derek had been so deep in his own thoughts that he hadn't even noticed Addison drive up or enter his trailer. His door wasn't locked, and he figured she had just let herself in. Maybe she had even knocked. He wasn't sure.

"I'm fine. What are you doing here?" Derek groaned as he rolled over onto his side, avoiding eye contact with his ex-wife. Even though they were no longer together, he doubted that her powers to read his expressions had diminished completely. And he really didn't want to talk to her or anyone else right now.

"No, Derek. You're clearly not fine. Do you have a fever?" She moved in closer, dropping her wet jacket and purse on the dining room table as she headed toward the bed, as if she was going to feel his forehead.

"I don't have a fever," he mumbled, burying his head further into the pillows. "I told you, I'm fine."

"'Fine' doesn't take the day off work unexpectedly. 'Fine' doesn't show up at the hospital to say he's too sick. 'Fine' calls in from home like any other reasonable person. Something happened to you today, didn't it? Are you upset about not getting chief?"

"No, that's not it," Derek sighed. In the tumult of the past 24 hours, he had almost forgotten that he had been offered the position and actually turned it down, a move that had even surprised himself. At the time, though, it had made sense. He knew that Richard wasn't really ready to leave yet, and Derek actually wanted to have more time to prove to him that he could balance being with Meredith and fulfilling his surgical duties. Now he seemed to be failing miserably at both. And he certainly couldn't tell Addi that he'd passed up the position, knowing how much she had made herself want it recently. "I'm just…exhausted."

"And you had to drive to the hospital to realize that?"

"I stayed there last night. I tried to sleep in my office."

"Oh," Addison replied softly. She had just assumed he spent the night at Meredith's house, but she supposed that made some sense, with Meredith needing to comfort Cristina and all.

"So, why are you here?" Derek demanded, finding his impatience building again.

"I came to say goodbye, Derek. I planned to do it at the hospital today, but I heard you went home, and I felt like I needed to do this in person…"

"What do you mean you're saying goodbye?" Derek sat up and looked at her, enabling Addison to see his face straight on now. His eyes were fiery, bloodshot, and she thought he might have been crying earlier. He looked…broken. As bad as she remembered from the day Meredith had nearly died, and her heart ached to see him that way.

"I've been unhappy in Seattle since…really since I got here. My life isn't here, Derek, not anymore." She looked away from him, trying to regain her composure. Even though she knew their divorce was the right decision for both of them, she still winced at the memory of all of the pain and hurt they had lobbed at one another during those months. She swallowed slowly before starting up again. "I have been offered a job at Naomi and Sam's practice in L.A., and I'm going to take it. I gave Richard my letter of resignation today. I'm ready for a fresh start."

"Wow," Derek reacted half-heartedly. "I'm surprised. Really. Congratulations." He tried to sound as genuine as possible so he could mask the unexpected disappointment welling up inside him. While he no doubt hated the months after she arrived when they had tried to make the relationship work, he had come to peace with her since the divorce. Even though he never felt comfortable talking to her about his relationship with Meredith or anything like that, he knew she understood him, and he considered her a silent ally in the halls of the hospital. He would miss seeing her familiar face there every day.

"Yeah, well…it's a great opportunity for me. I'll get to be with Naomi and Sam and go back to a private practice again. I'm excited about it," Addison gushed a little, but her face grew more somber as she looked back at Derek. "But you…I know you and I know that you're not okay. And I know that you don't like to…talk, but I think you need to, Derek. You need to talk, and it's…it's okay if it's about Meredith."

Derek exhaled loudly, his mind going in a million different directions. She really did know him. But he couldn't just tell her about Meredith. There was something cruel to him about that still, and he couldn't bring himself to do that to her in what could possibly be their last face-to-face encounter. Still, he agreed that he needed to talk.

"I know that I was a bad husband, Addison. I was absent and I stopped caring when I should have cared the most. But…what…what were the signs that I gave you that I wasn't in it anymore? When did you know we were done?"

"Oh…Wow…Umm…Well…" Addison stammered, completely caught off guard. She couldn't imagine that her ex-husband was this bent up over the decline of their marriage. She was certain that wasn't the cause here, but something told her that he needed this – that they both needed a conversation like this – to give themselves more closure. "It started out small. Small things really. Things that I noticed. You were working more…later…and that didn't seem to bother you like it might have earlier. I'd call you at night, at times when I knew you weren't in surgery or with patients, and you wouldn't answer your phone. You just let it ring until I went to voicemail."

Derek gulped, recalling the night a couple weeks ago when he had done that to Meredith. They had planned to get together at night, but he just needed some space to think about what he wanted - with her, with the chief position – and rather than telling her that, he just ignored her several attempts to call and the sweetly concerned messages she had left.

Derek looked at Addison and nodded solemnly. "You can go on, it's ok. I need to hear this."

"You seemed…distant…like you didn't care anymore. You weren't focused and you didn't react to things. I remember trying to pick fights with you, and you just wouldn't respond. I even flirted a little with Mark in front of you, and you didn't even flinch. You just stood there and took it like…like you were a shell of yourself, and I was never sure why."

"I'm not entirely sure why either," Derek admitted. "I know I was unhappy with where our life was going and how things were turning out, but I couldn't figure out what needed to change. That wasn't fair to you, and I'm sorry, Addison." He looked up at her with sad eyes. She was now certain that he had been crying before she had arrived.

"Derek, I don't need you to apologize. We were both at fault." She paused, letting out a deep sigh. "But I really do hope you find whatever makes you happy here, Derek, with Seattle…with Meredith…"

That word again. _Meredith_.

Derek slumped back into the bed as if the trailer were closing in around him. His mind started to replay the conversation from the morning, and he felt his body tense up again. He clutched a pillow to his chest like it was a security blanket, somehow shielding him from the firestorm heading in his direction.

"Meredith and I broke up, Addison," Derek whispered. God, he hoped he wouldn't cry in front of her. He didn't want to be that pathetic.

"Today?" she asked, disbelieving.

"Yesterday…I think…"

"You think?"

"I think she broke up with me yesterday at the church, when she said it was over, but if that wasn't it, then she definitely broke up with me this morning." Derek's voice quivered with hurt.

"Why?" Addison asked.

"I…I'm not sure…not exactly…things have been tense for a while, and I guess she's just not as into this as I am. She doesn't want to be with me anymore."

"Derek," Addison soothed, reaching out a hand and placing it gently on his arm. She wondered if he had felt this badly in the aftermath of finding her with Mark. If she had broken him the same way that Dr. Grey apparently had, but she was scared to find out the answer. She suspected she knew that he felt worse about this.

He looked at her as he warmed to her touch. His eyes were desperate. Sad.

"That night at the hospital, the night of the ferry accident, I saw how you watched over Meredith's bed while she slept. I know that you love her more than you ever loved me."

Derek groaned, regretting he had let himself get into a conversation with his ex-wife about the woman he had left her for.

"No, wait. I'm not done. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or anything…It's just…when our marriage started to fall apart, you didn't fight it. You just accepted it. And then later, when we decided to try again, you tried to fight for us even though I know you didn't love me the way you love Meredith now. I think you actually tried for a while. So what I'm wondering is…what I'm confused about is…well, I get why we couldn't work, but why the hell aren't you fighting for Meredith? You love each other and you won't fight."

"I'm tired, Addison."

"You're _weak_, Derek." She was angry now, a year's worth of rage that she didn't even realize she had was bubbling to the surface.

"What did you just say?" Derek sat up again, suddenly finding the energy to be angry back.

"I said that you are weak. You run around trying to find the things that will make you happy, and then when you find yourself with a choice to make, you chicken out and take the easy road. You never confronted Mark. You never told Meredith about me. You tried to repair our marriage rather than ending it…"

"And you think that was _easy_?"

"No. But it was expected and you knew what you were getting back into with me. You don't like making the tough choices even when you know what will make you happy. You worry about everyone else and how they'll react before you think of yourself." Her voice softened again. "And here you're giving up on your happiness, on your future with Meredith, because you think it's easier than fighting for her."

Derek felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He retreated, knowing she was right. All the times that he had fought with Meredith these last few months, he had given up, not wanting to hurt her, even though he didn't agree with what was happening or where they were heading.

"Derek…" she whispered, scared she may have gone too far and said more than he was ready to hear.

"You're…right…" he admitted, quietly, more mouthing the words than saying them.

She smiled back at him sympathetically.

"So what are you going to do now?" she asked.

"I … don't know. I just need some time to think and figure this all out, I guess…" he responded honestly. He didn't quite know yet what to do about Meredith. What his options were or how he could get her back. And he knew that he genuinely was too tired to fight anymore today. He still hadn't slept really, and the weight of his eyelids was causing him more and more of a headache as he strained to keep them open.

"I understand, Derek. Just don't take too long." Addison stood up from the bed, knowing there wasn't really anything left to say. She wanted to stay to make sure that he was going to be alright, but she knew that it wasn't a good idea. She needed to go back to the hotel and finish packing her things, and this visit had already been longer and more emotionally draining than she had expected. "I really should get going. I have lots to do today before I leave, but Derek…" she hesitated, suddenly less casual. "I really do want you to be happy. If you ever need anything you can call me. I mean that."

Derek sighed sadly. "Thanks, Addison. Things will work out, don't worry. Good luck in L.A." Although he wasn't so confident that things would work out, he knew he'd never call Addison, not after all this.

She nodded, reading the thoughts going through his head as if he had said them aloud. "Take care of yourself, Derek." The words were heartfelt and tortured coming out of her mouth as she realized this might be their final exchange.

"Goodbye, Addison."

She quietly put her coat back on and headed out the door. He could hear her running quickly through the mud to get back to her car amidst the ongoing rain. The car door slammed and the engine roared. He knew then that Addison Montgomery was finally out of his life forever, and it made him a little sad.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: So, I know the first few chapters were pretty angsty. I promise that it starts to pick up soon! I'm actually several chapters ahead of this one, although the updates will probably start to slow down from here on out. We'll see. Anyway, read, enjoy, and please...review! This is my first fanfic, so I'd love some feedback!**

* * *

"I can't believe how many interns there are. Were there this many interns when we started?" Alex asked, annoyingly slamming his lunch tray down on the table so he could sit beside Meredith. 

"You're in a lovely mood today," she responded. "What's got you all worked up?"

"Nothing," he huffed. "Just don't like being overrun by incompetent interns."

"I seem to remember you being not the most competent and warm surgical intern last year yourself," Izzie interjected. She had been stewing quietly beside Meredith throughout lunch, devoid of any of her usual bubbles of joy or laughter.

"Yeah, and how many months did I spend with a 'look but don't speak or touch' policy over me?" Alex shot back.

"ENOUGH!" Meredith yelled, far louder than she had intended. She sensed a few conversations and neighboring tables were pausing momentarily before resuming in far more hushed tones, probably with more gossip. "Do we really have to start in with this? Didn't yesterday suck enough for you people?"

"Sorry, Mere," Izzie whispered.

"Yeah, sorry," Alex echoed. He stabbed at the unidentifiable meat heaved onto his tray while his eyes continued to scan the crowded cafeteria scene.

So many interns.

So many naïve interns...

"At least some of them are hot," Alex murmured, his eyes transfixed on one group in particular.

"And which one are you preparing to pounce on now?" Izzie asked, trying to follow his gaze.

Meredith watched the two somewhat amusedly.

"That one. The one with the dark hair. Target number one. I bet I can bag her before the end of the week." He smiled impishly at the girls, proud of his planned conquest before he'd even done anything to conquer his next victim.

Izzie took a long swig through the straw of her Diet Coke, simultaneously disgusted by Alex's womanizing and yet a little impressed by his masculine confidence.

Meredith took a deep breath, staring in the direction where Alex's latest target sat unsuspecting.

"That's my sister," Meredith said nonchalantly.

Izzie's Diet Coke reversed course and started coming out her nose as she nearly choked. She frantically held up a hand to her face to obstruct the mess she was slobbering over herself as she gulped for enough air to say "What???"

"That…is…my…sister. Half-sister. Lexie. Lexie Grey. Of the Thatcher and Susan Grey clan." Meredith was a little amused by her friends' reactions. While Izzie reached for napkins to clean herself up, Alex just stared in bewilderment, slowly turning from Lexie to Meredith and back again so he could try to find some family resemblance. From what he could tell, Meredith and Lexie shared the same body types – average height but slender and curvy in the right places. Both girls had straight hair, although Lexie's seemed to be darker and shorter than Meredith's. He would need to get up closer to do any further analysis, but he doubted that Meredith was just messing with him.

"Have you met her? Do you know her? Is she weird? Should we hate her? Do you hate her? Because we'll hate her for you if you want us to." Suddenly, Izzie was a mass of rambly, but well-meaning incoherence.

"I met her this morning in the locker room, which was…weird…but she is not…weird. At least not yet. And you don't have to hate her for me. Judge for yourselves."

"Does this mean she's off limits?" Alex smirked.

Izzie threw a French fry at him, forcing his grin to broaden as he shrugged at her.

Meredith forced a small laugh back as she imagined her fake brother pining after the sister she had only met hours before. There was some sort of cruel irony about the way her life constantly weaved itself into these tangled webs, but she was too tired to think of the exact analogy she was looking for.

"Alex, do whatever you want. I barely know her. I don't care. Seriously."

"Alright then. The bet is on." Alex declared, not caring that neither Meredith nor Izzie had taken the bet as it was more with himself than anyone else.

"Bet? What bet? I want in on a bet."

All three residents looked up at the sound of a familiar voice hovering over them. Cristina Yang stood there, dressed in scrubs, placing her own pile of inedible cafeteria mush down on their table.

"What's the bet?" Cristina continued.

Meredith, Izzie, and Alex were too shocked by her presence to respond. None of them had expected to see Cristina at the hospital today. Eventually Izzie broke the silence.

"Alex is betting us that he can bag Meredith's sister in a week."

"Geez, Alex, you really are into mommies aren't you. Do you really think that Molly would go for you with a baby at home and a husband in Iraq?" Cristina huffed, somewhat surprised by the ridiculousness of this latest plot.

"No, not Molly. Lexie, the new intern," Izzie corrected.

Cristina's eyes widened in shock as she turned her stare toward Meredith. "Lexie is working here?" Cristina asked.

Meredith stared back, still in disbelief that her friend was sitting 3 feet away from her.

"What are you doing here, Cristina?" Meredith asked, very concerned.

"I work here. And right now, I am eating at this place we come to every day for lunch so we can clog our own arteries on this trash. Now, back to _my_ question…Lexie is working here?" Cristina sounded like her typical dry and sarcastic self, far removed from the sobbing heap she had been the night before. She seemed fine now, but Meredith detected that things weren't quite right yet. How could they be?

"Yes, Lexie is one of the new interns at Seattle Grace," Meredith finally confirmed.

"Did you know about this?" Cristina asked, genuinely curious.

"She found out this morning. They met in the locker room." Izzie interjected, proud that she had the scoop.

"Wow. Seriously?...Wow" was all that Cristina could muster in response.

"No kidding. Crazy, huh?" Alex responded, clearly somewhat amused by the new circumstances and the challenge he had created for himself.

"Well, if you don't mind, Meredith, I'll take that action. Alex, 20 bucks says no way. Greys have better taste." Cristina snickered a little as she watched Alex smile at the dare. "But good luck trying to be a McDreamette."

"Thanks, but I won't need it," Alex said, standing up. He had decided that he was done poking at the heap of food on his plate, and while he didn't have a strategy for catching the eye of the younger Dr. Grey just yet, he doubted any successful strategy would include remaining in his seat with these women. He grabbed his trash and started to head out, making sure his path casually walked by Lexie's table so he could scout the competition.

"I should probably get going, too," Izzie piped up. "I haven't seen George yet today and that seems weird. I'm going to find out if our new chief resident knows anything. I'll catch you later."

"Sure thing," Meredith said, as cheerily as she could. She was relieved that both Izzie and Alex were leaving, sensing that it would make an honest conversation with Cristina much easier.

As soon as Izzie was a safe distance away, Meredith let out a deep sigh that let her stress and sadness flood back to her face. Now that she was with her best friend only, she didn't feel like she needed to maintain any façade of being bright and shiny.

"Meredith, I know what you're doing, and…don't," Cristina said tensely, studying her friend.

"What am I doing?" Meredith asked defensively.

"You're doing this sad, weepy thing, which was fine for last night, not that I'll ever acknowledge that anything like last night ever happened. Come to think about it, I'll even disavow this conversation, but I don't want to be weepy anymore, and when I see you looking weepy, it makes me feel guilty – like maybe I should be weepy – so you need to stop. I don't do weepy."

"Cristina, I'm not doing the weepy thing for you."

"Really? Because you seem awfully weepy today all slouched in your seat, eyes bloodshot, and weepy-like. _You_ weren't left at the church yesterday. This really isn't about you anymore, so spare me the looks."

"Cristina," Meredith interjected, a bit more forcefully this time. She lowered her voice a little as she sensed that it was going to sound weepier than Cristina would tolerate. "I…I broke up with Derek."

"Oh, so this _is_ about you." Cristina sputtered, more than slightly surprised. "There wasn't enough drama yet? What happened? Did his other wife show up? I always suspected he was a polygamist."

Meredith's eyes shot Cristina daggers that told her that she had definitely crossed a line with the comments, making Cristina immediately feel sorry for jabbing her friend.

"Sorry, Mere, my sarcasm defenses are on overdrive today. Seriously. What happened?"

"Yesterday, in the locker room when we were getting ready to go," Meredith started, "he was all McDreamy about how I am the love of his lilfe…"

"Sure. Sounds like as good a reason as any to break up," Cristina interrupted.

"He said I was the love of his life and that he couldn't leave me, but that I leave him a lot, and that I need to put him out of his misery and end this. So I did." Meredith sighed, still feeling tingles run up and down her spine as she recounted the conversation. No one had ever said anything like that to her before, and part of her wondered if anyone else would ever consider her the love of his life.

"Are you for real? McDreamy says you're the love of his life and you end it?" Cristina asked, struggling to comprehend. "Did it ever occur to you that he didn't really want you to end it? That he was just looking for you to affirm his feelings or something?"

"I don't think that was it…" Meredith was feeling a bit defensive now. "I think he was asking me to end it."

"Meredith…" Cristina was a bit exasperated.

Meredith continued to look down at her lunch. She didn't have the confidence to meet Cristina's critical gaze at this moment.

"Are you ever going to forgive him?" Cristina asked.

"Huh? Forgive him? For what?" Meredith asked. The question took her by surprise and forced her to look at her friend.

"For being married to Satan."

"Oh…" Meredith paused. The question seemed silly to her at first. Of course she had forgiven him – he picked her. It took him a while, but he chose her. She couldn't possibly be mad at him about that still, could she?

Cristina studied Meredith's reaction. She could sense that Mere was going to be dismissive of the idea, so she continued, "I know that I am not exactly Shepherd's biggest fan. He really fucked you over, and I'm not sure that _I've_ forgiven him for that, but I think he's trying. I think he wants to make you two work with his 'you're the love of my life' crap and all, but you've gotta let him try. You can't run away from him forever."

"Do you think I run away from him a lot?" Meredith asked, desperate for her friend's insight. It was rare that Cristina offered relationship advice about Derek, and even though Cristina's track record with men was not exactly stellar at the moment, she was the one and only person Meredith trusted in this area.

"Um…yeah. I do. You do that with everyone. You run from scary social situations. It's your dark and twisty way." Cristina said, feeling like she was stating the obvious.

Meredith considered the response. She couldn't help but think of her reaction to Derek's "love of my life" speech.

_I can't…Cristina's getting married…_

And then this morning, how she literally ran away from Derek on the bridge. Perhaps Cristina had a point. She continued to mull it over.

"So what should I do?" Meredith sighed.

"Un-break up with him? Fuck if I know. I'm obviously not very good at figuring out relationships right now. But I just think…" Cristina paused, her voice softening. "We're not happy people, Mere, you and I. It's not in our nature to be happy. So if something, _someone_ makes us happy, we need to work to keep that."

Meredith looked over at her best friend, tears welling up behind her eyes as she studied Cristina.

"Weepy thing! Enough already!" Cristina snapped, using the comment to fight back her own tears.

Meredith giggled a little. She had never known anyone quite as hardcore as Cristina. As much as Meredith struggled to show her emotions, Cristina had firmly mastered the art of repressing them. She was a rock at the hospital, and there were so few times when Meredith could even remember her wavering. This was clearly not about to be one of them.

"Thanks, Cris," Meredith finally smiled.

Cristina waved her hands in front of her while making a face that immediately warned Meredith not to proceed with any further comments along the strand of this conversation.

"Eat. Work. Whatever…" Cristina finally responded.

The two women continued to eat in a comfortable silence, each pondering their love lives before returning back to work.


	5. Chapter 5

"Did you and Dr. Shepherd break up?" Izzie frantically asked before Meredith could even step fully through the front door.

It was after ten-thirty, and after working a sixteen hour shift, Meredith was in no mood to have this conversation with Izzie, who no doubt would press for details. The tension from the last couple days was starting to take its toll on Meredith's shoulders, and more than anything she had wanted to slip into the house and sneak away to the bathtub where she could wash away the stress that had consumed her life. Even though she had spent the whole day thinking about Derek, she didn't feel ready to talk to anyone, much less Izzie, about their relationship status.

Izzie stared at Meredith intently, her arms crossed as she blocked the steps like a bouncer ready to kick Meredith back out the door if she didn't give the secret password.

"What have you heard?" Meredith sighed, throwing her khaki and orange tote bag and navy blue pea coat onto the bench by the door in a fit of frustration.

"He's upstairs, Mere, and he looks like shit."

Meredith's heart sank. She definitely didn't feel ready to confront him yet, and she was suddenly relieved to have Izzie standing before her, obstructing her path.

"When did he get here?"

"About forty-five minutes ago. He said something about needing to get some things out of your room, and then he went upstairs. I heard him slamming some things around for a while, but that stopped a few minutes ago. Do you want me to ask him how much longer he's going to be?"

Meredith hesitated, imagining herself hiding out in the living room waiting for him to clear out his things from her bedroom. But she knew that if he had been here for forty-five minutes already, he wasn't just packing. He was waiting…for her.

"No, that's okay. I'll talk to him," Meredith whispered nervously. She knew that some sort of confrontation was inevitable. She just hoped that it would go better than the one from the morning.

"Are you sure?" Izzie asked, trying her best to be supportive.

Meredith nodded, and slowly brushed passed Izzie to trudge up the stairs.

There seemed to be more stairs than she remembered, and yet, Meredith conquered them much faster than she had planned. She found herself standing at the top of the landing, staring at the light feathering out from her bedroom door. She felt like a character in some horror movie preparing to fight a hideous monster. But it wasn't a monster. It was Derek, her McDreamy. How bad could it possibly be?

She took a deep breath, and opened the door.

Derek sat on Meredith's bed, crumpled over the side with a t-shirt wadded up in his fist. His back was turned away from the door so Meredith couldn't see his expression, but she was certain that he was scowling. And the fact that he hadn't turned toward the door when she entered scared her a little. It was as if she were invisible to him.

She bit her lower lip, and stepped into the room, closing the door quietly behind her.

Still, he didn't move. His body was rigid as his mind went in a thousand different directions.

When he decided to come over, he had planned to confront her and fight, as Addison had suggested. To fight for their relationship, and if that meant battling Meredith in the process, he would have more than a couple choice words now to express his feelings. He had been rehearsing it mentally all day. But now that she was here, it was all lost. Nothing. He would have to wait for her to make the first real move.

She started to move toward him, feeling more guilt seep into her with each step. Had she really left him this tense and catatonic?

He continued to ignore her. Inside, he was a rabid animal being cornered. Outside he was just a shell. A rigid, hollowed out, unmoving shell.

She hovered next to him, standing behind him as he continued to grip the gray t-shirt. From the closer perspective, she recognized the shirt as being one of hers – her ratty old Dartmouth tee that she sometimes slept in, and the sight of him clutching it so fiercely made her feel like she had been punched in the stomach.

No reaction.

She sat down beside him, wrapping her arms under his so that her hands touched his chest, her head resting against his back.

Finally, he inhaled sharply. She could hear the air traveling into his lungs as his heartbeat sped up. His body tensed a little more at first, but slowly, silently, he relaxed into her embrace as the two sat, speechless.

Tears streamed silently down the side of Meredith's face.

"Derek…I'm sorry. I'm dark and twisty and broken and sometimes I do really stupid things."

Derek gently pulled away from her grasp so he could turn and face her, revealing his own tear-stained face. His hair was still wild, like it had been towel-dried and left to go every which way, but his eyes were calm and reassuring.

Meredith studied him quietly, kneading her hands in her lap as she considered how she would continue.

"I haven't done this relationship stuff before, Derek. Not really, and, well, if this is going to be _it_—if I'm _it_ for you, then I want to do it right, and I just can't get it right right now. And I _so_ want to get this right."

Derek started worrying the fabric of her t-shirt through his hands, calculating a response. He had a lot that he wanted to say, but he knew from experience that he'd have to tread gently in this territory or risk scaring her away again. And he needed to have this conversation – to have _something_ with her.

"So what are you saying, Mere?"

"I'm saying…I'm saying that I think I need some time and space for a while. I have daddy issues… And mommy issues… And trust issues and commitment issues and…well, issues. Issues that I want to work on so I can make us be a permanent us. I want you to be it for _me_, too."

Meredith stared intently at Derek, waiting for some kind of reaction.

He stared back, a smile tugging ever-so-slightly on the corners of his mouth.

Feeling encouraged, Meredith decided to continue.

"So this break-up thing that I did today, I didn't mean to hurt you. I guess I'm not saying that we're _over_ over. Just temporarily over. Over until I can make myself better and be solidly in this. But Derek…" Meredith paused, needing more oxygen to keep going. "If you don't want to wait for me to fix this…or if you want to meet girls at Joe's or whatever while you wait, I'll understand."

Derek leaned back, resting his back against the headboard of her bed and dropping the t-shirt in his lap so he could fold his hands together.

"Mere, you don't have to worry about there being someone else. I meant it when I said that you are the love of my life."

Meredith looked down at her hands, shyly. It still felt surreal to have anyone, much less Derek Shepherd, say those words to her.

"But I hate the idea of us being over, even for a little while. What does that even mean exactly? Can we talk to each other? Will _you _be seeing other people?"

"NO!" Meredith quickly responded, surprised by the question. "Of course not."

"So what does 'temporarily over' mean? What are you going to be doing to fix us?"

"Well…maybe I could talk to somebody…someone up in psych or something to get some help," Meredith replied, surprising even herself with the words she was muttering. She hadn't even considered going into counseling until this moment, and ordinarily she was unlikely even to consider it. Now, however, she thought it could be a good idea.

Derek nodded at her, caught somewhat off guard by her response as well. He was very supportive of counseling even though his own experiences with Addison hadn't worked out well, but still, he hadn't expected Meredith to suggest it. It seemed contrary to her stubborn independence.

"And we can still talk to each other and work together, we just won't _be_ together. We won't have this constant expectation that we have to spend time together or share everything that's happening with us or have any relationship pressure for a while. And no sex. Definitely no sex." This final comment caused Meredith to sigh heavily, as if she regretted even suggesting it as a condition of their temporary over-ness.

Derek read her sigh perfectly and smiled at her, teasingly.

"Are you sure about the 'no sex' condition?" He nudged, laughing a little.

"Derek, I need an incentive to fix things quickly. What better incentive could there possibly be to move things along?" Meredith shot back, giggling a little herself.

"Alright, then. We'll try this 'temporarily over' plan, but I am holding you to the temporary." Derek sighed, sliding over on the bed so he could stretch out fully and rest his head on a pillow. He knew that being "over" probably didn't entail sleeping in her bed, but he hoped she wouldn't force him to leave just yet.

"Temporary. I promise," Meredith sighed back, feeling the exhaustion from her long shift and stressful 48 hours hit her suddenly. As she watched him sprawl out in bed she realized how tired he looked too. "It's late, and I want to get some sleep. I haven't done much of that lately."

"Okay, I can leave," Derek said, slowly sitting up.

"No, wait," Meredith searched for an excuse to keep him there in bed. As much as she knew they needed the break from each other, she also knew that she didn't want him to leave. "You don't need to go. It's so late, and by the time you get back to the trailer, it will be after midnight. You've already got stuff here…just…stay."

"Mere…Are you sure that's a good idea?" Derek asked, quietly hopeful that she wouldn't change her mind.

"Yeah, it's fine. There's no sex, and we're still friends, and…friends…well, friends don't let friends drive tired. And you're tired, and I stayed with Cristina when I was tired, so you can stay, Derek, it's fine. We're adults. It's…fine."

Derek smiled a patented McDreamy smile. He loved it when she rambled like that. "You should get some sleep."

"Yeah" was all she could muster in response.

She stood up, kicked off her blue jeans and picked up the Dartmouth tee that had been pushed to the floor. She uncrumpled it so she could study it a moment, trying to figure out why Derek had been clutching it so tightly when she walked in. At a loss for answers, Meredith quickly pulled off her shirt and bra and slipped into the tee, feeling Derek's eyes on her the whole time. She wondered if this violated the "temporarily over" rules, undressing in front of him, but she was really too tired to care, and besides, it was nothing he hadn't seen before.

She walked over to the light, turned it off, and stumbled back to bed in the dark before crawling into bed with Derek. As she pulled back the sheets and slipped under the covers, the coldness of the cotton sheets nipped at her skin, causing her to shiver a little. She instinctively slid her body closer to Derek so she could feel his warmth, and he quickly shifted his left arm under her neck, creating a space that allowed her to rest her head on his chest and listen as the slow, steady rhythms of his heart lulled her to sleep.

Temporarily over might just work.


	6. Chapter 6

"Feeling better today, Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Webber asked politely as he stood in front of the OR board, surveying the day's surgeries.

"Much, Chief, thanks for asking," Derek responded, nodding. And it was definitely true. While he still wasn't sure what to make of Meredith's "temporarily over" plan, he had slept better last night than he had in weeks. True, the waking up was a little awkward, and at times while they were getting ready to go to the hospital and eating breakfast together, he had to remind himself that were not together. Not technically anyway. Still, he certainly felt better. Relaxed. Confident. Optimistic.

"Because I can't handle having another one of my top doctors leave me hanging wondering who is going to do the surgeries that I'm supposed to be overseeing as Chief of Surgery. The Board doesn't like empty ORs, Derek. They like surgeries," Richard said, matter-of-factly. He was quite certain that Derek hadn't actually been sick yesterday, and he expected his neurosurgeon had the sense to understand that he was reasonably upset by all of the canceled surgeries from yesterday's docket.

"Ah, but that's why you're still Chief. No one can smooth things over with the Board like you can," Derek smiled.

"I should have chosen Mark," Richard grumbled, only half-joking.

Derek laughed a little, amused even by the prospect. "How is Adele this morning?" Derek asked, changing the subject.

"Fine, fine. She's resting now. She'll probably go home later today," he commented. The relief he felt at her improved condition was palpable in his voice.

"Well, send her my best. I have surgeries," Derek said, supportively placing his hand on Richard's shoulder as he walked by. He was relieved not to have Richard's job just yet, particularly with their best cardiothoracic surgeon and OB-GYN both gone, but he also wanted Richard to know that he was okay and wouldn't be leaving anytime soon.

The chief nodded as Derek headed back toward his first patient's room and thought about his first surgery for the day – a craniotomy and microvascular decompression. A relatively simple procedure -- well, simple by the standards of Derek Shepherd, world-renowned brain surgeon, but the case was interesting and he thought that one particular potential neurosurgical resident might enjoy working on it with him.

"Could you page Dr. Grey for me? I'd like to have her work with me on the Samuels case," Derek instructed a nurse at the Nurse's Station. Sometimes they were faster at locating Meredith than he was, and he still had a couple more patients to check on before prepping Mr. Samuels for surgery. He picked up a couple charts and made his way down the hall.

He felt good being back in the hospital and being around patients that really needed him. While he enjoyed the high pressure of surgery, he prided himself on his strong bedside manner. He liked reassuring scared patients that they could place their lives in his hands, and he would do everything possible to heal them. He never made promises of any sort, but he knew that one of the reasons he was such a highly-regarded surgeon was because his patients often spoke so well of him to their primary doctors. The number of referrals that he received in any given year dwarfed those of his neurosurgical colleagues, but he tried not to let it go to his head…too much.

He efficiently soothed the fears of the patients he'd be operating on later in the day, and eventually made his way back to his first patient's room happy that he would finally be working on a case with Meredith and hoping that she wasn't serious about deciding against neurosurgery.

"Dr. Shepherd is right over there," a nurse cooed to an intern while pointing at him. The sound of his name caught his attention, and as he looked over, he saw an intern heading cautiously in his direction, clutching a chart to her chest. An unexpectedly familiar intern.

_Is this some sort of joke?_ Derek thought, racking his brain for how it could possibly be the case that the woman that had tried to pick him up in the bar was now seeking him out in the hospital. As an intern, nonetheless.

"Can I help you?" Derek finally mustered, trying to deescalate a potentially awkward situation as quickly as possible.

"Um, you're Dr. Shepherd?" Lexie asked cautiously as she shifted her weight back and forth from left to right, somewhat nervous.

Derek smiled and nodded, trying to reassure her despite his own uncomfortable surprise.

"Yeah, well…wow…this isn't awkward or anything, but…I guess you paged me to have me work with you on this case. Mr. Samuels, is it?" Lexie responded.

He looked over at the nurses at the Nurse's Station, watching them cackle at their little private joke that he didn't fully understand yet, though he was certain he fit into the punch line somewhere.

"What?" Derek stammered, now visibly confused.

"I'm sorry, someone said that you wanted me to assist you on this case," Lexie sighed, feeling more embarrassed than ever. She dropped her hands down to her sides in defeat, clearly revealing her ID badge to Derek in the process.

_Lexie Grey._

"Oh my god…" Derek whispered, letting the letters of her name register in his brain. "You're, um…" he hesitated.

_What to do? What to do? _

_Decide. _

"Yeah, I paged you." Derek's confidence returned. He couldn't believe that the girl at the bar was not only an intern, but Meredith's sister. Just his luck. But now, watching how uncomfortable she clearly was, he couldn't bring himself to send her away.

_Does Meredith know that you're here?_ Derek thought, but he couldn't ask just yet. He didn't think it would be appropriate. Thatcher had talked about Lexie being at Harvard Medical School, and Meredith had bitterly referenced the other Grey in private conversations with him, but she hadn't said anything about her sister being an intern at Seattle Grace. That seemed like something she would mention if she knew, and certainly the chief hadn't said anything about it. His mind went in a million different directions before finally settling on the situation at hand – his impending surgery.

He'd play along with those snarky nurses. Seeing Meredith would have to wait. He wasn't about to have the two women meet in his OR, and there would be plenty of other craniotomies that she could scrub in on with him. Next time, he'd even page her himself.

"Have you read the file?" Derek asked, trying to resume his professional appearance.

"Yes, and I'm sorry," Lexie stammered.

"Sorry? For what?" Derek asked, genuinely confused.

"For trying to pick you up the other night. I honestly had no idea that you were a doctor here, and I'm sure that it must seem so incredibly unprofessional to you. You have no idea how mortified that I am about it right now," Lexie gushed. _How unbelievably mortified I am that Dr. Shepherd, Chief-of-Neurosurgery-Attending-Dr. Shepherd was my man-candy in a bar_, she thought. "Frankly, I'm surprised that you're even willing to work with me after that. Really. I'm sorry, and at this moment I swear I won't try to pick up any more guys at Joe's, just in case."

"Don't worry about it. It happens," he reassured. He smiled at her for extra measure. Not a common, polite smile, but a genuine, Grey-reserved smile that made his blue eyes sparkle a little extra. "We should get started."

Derek casually opened the door to the patient's room with the cool confidence typical of Dr. Shepherd.

"Good morning, Mr. Samuels. How are you feeling this morning?" Derek asked, turning his attention now to his patient, a middle-aged man who looked frail in the fluorescent lights and pale décor of the hospital room.

"I feel like I'm ready to get this over with," the patient replied.

"Well, I am here to make that happen for you today. And Dr. Grey, here, will be assisting me with your surgery. Dr. Grey, are you ready to present?"

"Yes," she responded, much more confidently. "Gregory Samuels, 52-year-old male, presenting with atypical trigeminal neuralgia…" Lexie continued to recount the facts of the case with poise. The few times that Derek stopped her to ask questions, she answered quickly and accurately. It reminded him a bit of Meredith.

"Excellent, Dr. Grey. Any last questions about the procedure, Mr. Samuels?" Derek asked.

Samuels shook his head no.

"Okay. I'm going to review this morning's MRIs one last time, and Dr. Grey is going to get you prepped for surgery. I'll see both of you in the OR shortly," Derek said, sending a confident smile in both their directions before heading out the door.

He felt simultaneously amused and guilty by the situation. He knew he hadn't really done anything wrong. He had politely rebuffed Lexie's advances at Joe's, and he couldn't avoid working with her for Meredith's sake. Part of his job as an attending was to teach the interns, after all. Still, he felt like Meredith deserved to know about all of this, over or not. He'd have to make a point of talking to her later in the day.

The gallery of OR-1 was packed for Dr. Shepherd's craniotomy. It typically was this early in the intern year as so many interns were instructed to observe. Actual surgical experience wouldn't come until later, after the interns had proven themselves trustworthy of interacting with patients. Derek decided that Lexie would be no exception to that, really. She wouldn't be actively involved in the procedure, but he would let her scrub in and observe from a better vantage point than the gallery could offer. That was something, at least. A goodwill gesture to let her know that she needn't overreact to the bar incident. And some props for pulling herself together when she presented the patient's case rather than freaking out under pressure as interns often did in far less stressful moments.

The surgery went well -- textbook even. He liked putting on that kind of show for the crowd. He was also relieved that every time he looked up at the gallery, he didn't see Meredith sitting amongst the group. He didn't want that distraction with Lexie there, and he suspected that having Meredith watch them in surgery would be a double-edged sword. If Meredith already knew about Lexie, she would wonder why he let an intern scrub in so early on such a procedure and would probably accuse him of meddling in her family life. If she didn't know who Lexie was yet, she could possibly find out during the operation from one of the other observers, which would be weird, and then she'd go through the same negative reactions with the added bonus of being angry that he hadn't told her. Either way, he was relieved that he didn't have to worry about it.

Lexie had seemed somewhat uncomfortable and awkward throughout the surgery. He couldn't gauge if it was just nerves from being in the OR with the gallery watching or if it was residual from their earlier interaction. And she didn't give him a chance to find out. She scrubbed out quickly once they finished the procedure, and she politely thanked him for letting her be a part of the surgery before excusing herself. He'd have to remember to tell those details to Meredith, too. He didn't want to leave anything out.

He continued to lather his hands methodically, inhaling the sterile smell of the disinfecting soap as he scrubbed out. He was actually looking forward to seeing Meredith. Full disclosure would be good. Healing. Restorative. Guiding their relationship toward a speedy recovery from temporary overness. Sadly, however, he knew it would have to wait. He was falling behind in his day already, and he still needed to catch up from missing the day before. He'd call her after he got off his shift and they'd have a real talk free from interruptions. Feeling resolved with this plan, Derek finished scrubbing out and moved on with his busy day.

* * *

"Is it bad that I just got to scrub in on an amazing procedure, and the whole time all I could think about was how I had tried to get into the attending's pants?" Lexie asked Meredith, happy that she saw a familiar face in the cafeteria. 

Meredith was sitting alone, looking through some paperwork and half-heartedly munching on an apple that was already showing brown spots from oxidation as she waited too long between bites. The sound of Lexie's voice caught her by surprise, and she watched as Lexie invited herself to sit in the empty chair next to her.

Meredith laughed nervously. "Happens to the best of us, I guess."

"Did it happen to you?" Lexie inquired, eager to get the scoop.

"Yeah, you could say that," Meredith offered. If Lexie hadn't heard all of the gossip about her and Derek yet, she wasn't about to reignite the rumor mill. The only people in the hospital that could even compete with nurses in the game of spreading gossip were interns.

"I'm absolutely mortified. Really. Truly. Mortified. I mean, I went to Joe's last week and saw this hot guy and practically threw myself at him. I should have known that he was an attending. A fucking neurosurgeon, even. He was way too well dressed to be in a bar," Lexie rambled, poking at her lunch in frustration.

"A neurosurgeon?" Meredith asked. Her heart started to beat a little faster.

_I met a woman last night…_

"Yeah, Dr. Shepherd. And the thing that I don't get about it all is that he requested me to work on the case with him this morning. I mean, he blows me off at the bar the other night and then he goes out of his way to get me on his case. That's weird, right?"

Meredith's heart sank. Not only was Lexie the girl he flirted with, the highlight of his week, but now he was pulling her into his surgeries. She felt her skin begin to flush. Not a subtle pink, but a strong if-I-blushed-orange-I'd-be-a-full-on-Oompa-Loompa-blush. Her hands trembled a bit as she reached for the remains of her apple and papers.

"Definitely weird," was all that Meredith could muster in response. Meredith suddenly wished she hadn't suggested to Derek that he could see other people during their temporary over phase. He had been so convincing last night that he wasn't interested in that, but already, less than 24 hours later, he was seeking out the pretty girl he "noticed" in the bar. Kinda like how he bedded her after meeting her the year before. And how could she possibly compete with this bright and shiny Grey?

"Well, anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest, and I wasn't sure who else I could safely tell. I hope it's okay," Lexie confided, her smile radiating warmly towards her sister, oblivious.

"Sure, Lexie, anytime. I really do need to get going, though. I've lingered here a little too long already," Meredith said politely. _At least I'm making excuses for myself before I run away…forward progress…_she thought. But really, she couldn't remove herself from the conversation fast enough. She felt her stomach turn over on itself as she thought about Derek flirting with her sister and then proceeding to request her. She hated competition, and felt like Addison was happening all over again. Just when she thought they were safe. Comfortable. On the road to happiness. Delayed, but getting there. In walks Lexie Grey to lure Derek away on his own free will.

The very thought of it made Meredith feel sick.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks to everyone that has been reading and reviewing so far! I'm having a lot of fun with this story. Just so you know, I've pretty much mapped out the rest of the story and my goal is to have it entirely completed and up before season 4 actually starts. If I'm really productive, I'll finish before the season 3 dvds come out, but that might be pushing it. Anyways, thanks again for the feedback. It really makes my day to see that people have read this stuff:-)**

* * *

_Great, Meredith. Just great. You babble about wanting to be it for him and he decides he can't even wait for you to go to therapy before lining up another woman. Impressive, really. Really…fucking…awesome…_ Meredith paced throughout the empty elevator as she made her way up to the floor with psychological services. She had managed to get an afternoon appointment with someone due to a cancellation, and she wanted to get things started as quickly as possible to show Derek she was serious about her plan. But now she wondered if she was just wasting her time. 

The elevator bell finally announced her arrival on the sixth floor, and she walked into the lobby area. She was always surprised to see how different the floor layouts could seem depending on what services occurred there. Her momentary disorientation was probably one reason she didn't notice George coming up to her.

"Meredith?" he asked, seeming a little startled to see her there. "What are you doing up here?"

"I…um…I need to check on a patient that was, um…referred for a psych consult…" Meredith bit her lip nervously, hoping that George would buy her excuse. She was a bad liar, and she knew it.

"Oh…Don't you normally need to have some paperwork with you to do that?" George asked, noticing that Meredith wasn't carrying anything with her.

"Oh, yeah, I must have…um…what are you doing up here, George? I'm surprised to see you here. In fact, I haven't seen you at all these last couple days. Are you doing okay?" Meredith deployed another tactic: when _caught_ in one of her bad lies, try to change the subject. Divert! Divert!

"Yeah…I'm not doing so well, actually. I…I failed the intern exam," George confessed, moving his eyes down to stare at Meredith's dingy blue tennis shoes as he said it.

"Oh, George," Meredith sighed. For a moment she was able to forget how much her own life seemed to suck at the moment. She couldn't imagine not passing the intern exam, and she felt awful knowing that it had happened to George.

"So, um, I've been deciding whether or not I should repeat my internship or not. Callie thinks I should, and…I guess I'm leaning in that direction now, too, but I just needed someone else to talk to about this. Someone who can anonymously help me sort my life out. So I came up here." Now that the initial news of his failure had been relayed, George felt a little more comfortable sharing with Meredith. The worst was over.

"I totally get it, George. Really. And if you need anything…"

"Thanks," he said, cutting her off. "And don't worry, I won't tell anyone that I saw you up here," he said, offering his own conspiratorial smile that was still a little sad around the edges.

"Thanks," Meredith whispered, shrugging a little as she said it.

He gently squeezed her arm, and walked by her, mumbling something along the lines of "See you around" before getting on the elevator.

As soon as he was gone, the momentary distraction dissipated from Meredith's mind.

_Derek. My fucking McDreamy…My "you're the love of my life, can I bang your sister?" sorta boyfriend. Damnit._

She found the office she was looking for and pouted over to the receptionist's desk to sign in before slumping into a waiting area chair that was not terribly comfortable. She surveyed the reading material available before settling on a glossy celebrity gossip rag that featured Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsey Lohan on the cover with some caption about glamorizing rehab. For a moment, she fantasized about partying with that crowd and wondered if they liked tequila too.

"Are you Meredith?" a woman in her thirties asked quietly, interrupting Meredith's daydreaming.

Meredith looked up and nodded, noticing the woman's well polished ensemble with a black and white patterned blouse and crisp white pants. The shoes were clearly a designer brand and her jewelry glistened against her pale skin and rich, dark brown hair. The woman was stunning. An older Wynonna Ryder maybe, and it was a look that Addison would probably endorse.

"I'm Dr. Evans," she continued, extending her hand to Meredith politely. "Would you like to follow me to my office?" Her voice was gentle and soothing, yet friendly and inviting. Meredith suspected she was the type of person who would make friends easily if they could get past the idea of being psychoanalyzed by her.

"Sure," Meredith replied, suddenly nervous. She had never seen a therapist for anything despite probably needing it her entire life. She wasn't really sure what to expect.

The office was only a short walk down the hall, and it served as a stark contrast to the rest of the hospital. It had several windows that let the natural light shine in brightly, eliminating any need for glaring fluorescents overhead. A brown leather couch angled away from ivory colored walls, and a tastefully designed rug covered the floor. The room looked like a scene from a Pottery Barn catalog with its precise decorative details and absence of clutter.

"Go ahead and make yourself comfortable," Dr. Evans said, directing Meredith toward the couch while she sat in a leather chair. She reached over to her desk and grabbed a steno pad and an expensive looking pen.

Meredith stared awkwardly at the couch, biting her lip as she tried to decide what she should do. _Do I sit? Do I lie down? Do I run? What am I doing here? _After what had to seem like much too long, Meredith sat down and pulled her legs up in front of her to hug them protectively, much like a little girl. She hoped she wouldn't get in trouble for putting her shoes on the furniture.

"So, tell me about yourself, Meredith," Dr. Evans instructed, leaning back in her chair casually. She smiled broadly in an effort to reassure her new patient.

"Well…" Meredith sighed nervously, trying to gather her thoughts. She hated questions like these. Did the doctor want the glossy shiny interview/first-date version, or the dark, twisty, this-is-why-I'm-in-therapy version? Meredith decided to go with the latter to make their time together more productive. "I'm a second-year surgical resident who descends from a mother who was a legendary surgeon but got Alzheimer's and thought I was pretty ordinary when she was lucid and a dad who abandoned us when I was five. The last time I saw him, he accused me of killing his wife. Not my mom, but his other wife who I was starting to get to know. My mom died recently, and I think I saw her in my near death experience when I let myself drown in the bay. I've spent the last year dating a neurosurgeon who happens to be an attending, except I didn't know he was my boss when I started sleeping with him. Just like I didn't know he was married until a little while ago, and I didn't know he was flirting with my half-sister that I met yesterday until about a half-hour ago. He divorced his wife and he says that I'm the love of his life, but he doesn't like breathing for me and we're over, at least temporarily."

Meredith paused, thinking that she had maybe covered everything. Her eyes darted around the office as she tried to think if she had left out anything. She noticed a picture of what she assumed was Dr. Evans' dog, a tri-colored beagle.

"Oh, and my dog died the day of the prom when I had adulterous make-up sex with my sorta ex-boyfriend-slash-boss. That sucked, too…Doc dying, not the sex…although adultery is wrong."

Yep, she had covered it all now. Maybe her rambling was well suited for therapy. She certainly was efficient.

She released her legs down to the floor and started fidgeting with her hands in her lap, looking down at them patiently as she waited for some sort of reaction.

Dr. Evans' eyes grew larger than their naturally round, perfect size, and her brown irises glistened with surprise. "It sounds like you've had a challenging year," she commented delicately. "I guess I don't need to ask you why you decided to come see me." She smiled again. "Tell me more about this half-sister that your boyfriend was flirting with. You said you found out about that a half hour ago. What happened?"

Meredith felt her skin begin to flush again as she thought about Lexie and Derek together.

"Last week, I invited Derek over – Derek, that's my sorta boyfriend – and he told me that he met a girl at the bar. He said nothing happened, she was pretty, they talked, blah, blah, blah. I told him he could see other people if he wanted to, and he said that he didn't want to. In fact, when I broke up with him yesterday so I could sort things out, he assured me that he had no interest in seeing anyone else – that he would wait for me. Then, today, the McBastard has the nerve to ask my sister…my half-sister, Lexie, to scrub in on some surgery with him. And she's the girl he met in the bar last week!"

"So your sister, Lexie, is a doctor here too?"

"Yeah, she's an intern. A totally beautiful, perfect, bright and shiny little intern."

"And you met her yesterday?"

Meredith nodded. "I only recently started to have any contact with my dad and Susan, his wife. I didn't really know their kids."

"So how do you know that…" Dr. Evans paused, looking back down at her notes. "…Derek…How do you know that Derek is interested in pursuing Lexie romantically?"

"Because she's freaking gorgeous and I know him!" Meredith fumed.

"So you don't trust him."

Meredith hesitated. The comment struck a nerve with her as she recalled her earlier conversation with Cristina and thought she noticed a trend. "I guess not."

"Why?"

"Wow, you ask a lot of questions," Meredith replied.

Dr. Evans smiled again. "It's kind of the way this tends to work. I ask you questions and help you figure out what's bothering you."

"Oh…" Meredith whispered.

"So why don't you trust Derek?"

"When I first met Derek," Meredith started, "he was sweet and funny and everything was perfect. I thought he was it for me and I was done. And then his wife showed up and he chose her."

"And you didn't already know that he was married? That had to be very difficult for you," Dr. Evans empathized.

"You have no idea…" Meredith agreed.

"But you said earlier that he divorced his wife," Dr. Evans continued, again surveying her notes. Ordinarily she could manage these conversations without needing to refer to her notes so much, but Meredith had said so much so quickly, she could barely keep up.

"Yeah, after we had sex at the prom…" Meredith paused, realizing how ridiculous this must sound out of context. "Dr. Webber, the chief…chief of surgery…he had a prom for his niece and made all of us go."

"I think I remember hearing about that when it happened. It was quite the hospital event from what I've heard," Dr. Evans commented.

"Yeah, well, anyways, after we had sex at the prom, he told his wife that it was over between them and got a divorce. And then we got back together. Eventually. But that's a different story."

"So are you worried that he'll leave you the way that he left her?"

"Oh no, she cheated on him first. Their marriage was already pretty much over when he met me," Meredith quickly replied.

"So why don't you trust him?"

"Um…" that was a good question. Why _didn't_ she trust him? "I guess because he hurt me. I don't want to go through that again." Her mind continued to jog from place to place. "And Lexie. Why would he flirt with her if he didn't intend to make something of it?"

"Have you asked him that?" Dr. Evans asked, a concerned look registering across her face.

"No," Meredith admitted, leaning back against the couch as if all energy had been sucked out of her to leave her a lifeless shell of herself.

"What do you think will happen if you talk to him about it?"

"He'll deny it and get all perfect and McDreamy and I'll feel guilty for even suggesting the idea." Meredith imagined the conversation in her head. When it came right down to it, she could rehearse conversations mentally a bazillion times where she would angrily confront him about something, only to have herself melt in the moment where she actually faced him. He had that effect on her.

"Do you think he'll be lying to you when he denies it?"

"I don't know. Probably not. But what if he doesn't deny it? What if he admits that he actually is flirting with Lexie?" Meredith seemed urgent…frantic, even, with this new idea.

"Well, if that's the case, at least you'll know how things stand. You won't just be left speculating about it. Communication is good, Meredith."

Dr. Evans was making far too much sense for Meredith's liking.

"Why don't you try to talk to him about this before our next meeting, and then we'll revisit this topic next week."

Meredith looked down at her watch in disbelief as she realized that their time was up already. "Okay, I'll try that…communication…thing. I don't do that very well. I have a tendency to ramble and get off track and mess things up when I…communicate."

Dr. Evans laughed. "You do a better job than you give yourself credit for. You just have lots to say."

Meredith smiled. She appreciated the positive spin that Dr. Evans put on her rambling. "Thanks," she murmured.

"No problem. Take care and I'll see you next week." Dr. Evans said politely while escorting Meredith back to the corridor.

Meredith walked slowly toward the elevator, replaying the session in her mind. _Communicate more…with Derek…I guess I can try that…_ she thought. _But I'll need to have a drink first. Definitely one drink. And then communicate. That will be good…communicating…_

She punched the down button on the elevator as she devised her plan. She only hoped that the remaining hours on her shift would go by quickly so she could recruit Cristina to go with her to Joe's. She suspected they both could use that.


	8. Chapter 8

If Derek hadn't slept so well the night before, there was no way he would have made it through the day. It was a perfect reminder for why he hated calling in sick – he'd have to work his ass off to get even remotely close to catching up. And after working a fourteen hour shift, he felt like he hadn't even made a dent in the work that he needed to finish. Still, it was almost nine, and he wanted to catch Meredith early enough to be able to talk to her about his encounter with Lexie. Maybe he'd even score another invite to her place so he wouldn't have to drive back to the trailer. That probably pushed the limits of their arrangement, but he could be hopeful.

He pulled out his cell phone and dialed.

Straight to voice mail.

_Damn. I'll try back later, _he thought. He gathered up his things from the Nurse's Station counter, placed some papers in his leather satchel, and headed toward the elevator. He had already changed into his favorite jeans and an indigo blue button down shirt, so he was ready to leave.

"Going to Meredith's?" a familiar voice asked.

Derek stopped and turned around. Mark stood facing him. The circles around his eyes seemed to match the dark navy of his scrubs, and his face was covered with a couple days' worth of stubble. It reminded him of his own appearance the day before.

"No," Derek answered quickly before softening. "Our relationship is complicated right now."

"Sorry to hear. At least she's still around so you can work things out," Mark grumbled.

"Yeah," Derek agreed. He hadn't ever known for sure how much Mark really loved Addison, but now he was beginning to understand that it was more than some cheap affair. As much as he hated to admit it, Derek knew that Mark was really worked up about losing Addison, and he felt bad for his friend. "I'm sorry that Addison left."

"Me too. But what can you do? It just wasn't going to work out for us. She never saw me that way."

Derek sighed. "Do you want to go get a drink with me? You look like you could use it."

Mark brightened a little. It had been a while since Derek had invited him to do anything, and this was the first time in a long time that he had invited him out when there wouldn't be other people around. It would just be the two of them…two old friends getting a drink. He liked the sound of that. "Yeah, sure. Let me change. You'll wait?" Mark said, already turning to head back to his locker.

"No problem, I'll be in the lobby." Derek said and reached for his cell phone to give Meredith another try.

Still nothing. The conversation would just have to wait.

* * *

"So, did you and McDreamy get back together yet?" Cristina asked, cupping a bottle of beer in her hands as she shifted her weight on the bar stool. 

"No. We are taking a break," Meredith responded before picking up her tequila shot and tipping it back. She signaled for Joe to refill her glass.

"A break," Cristina said skeptically. "You and McDreamy are taking a break."

"Yes. We are temporarily over and taking a break."

"Does this break include sex?"

"Nope. No sex, no expectations, nothing. We will work together and we're still friends, we're just not in a relationship right now," Meredith responded.

"Izzie says he slept over last night. Was that before or after you decided on the break?" Cristina quizzed. She was inherently skeptical of Meredith's decision-making capability when it came to Derek, and she considered it her job to interrogate Meredith whenever she made relationship decisions.

"After, but nothing happened. We just cuddled," Meredith confessed.

"You just cuddled," Cristina said in disbelief.

"We just cuddled."

"The break includes cuddle?" Cristina mocked. "Is Derek forty yet? Because you know, I saw some sex special on TV once, and the doctor said that men in their forties tend to prefer cuddle. Maybe this is the next step in your relationship. No more sex, just lots and lots of cuddle."

Meredith glared at her friend. "There may not be anything anymore because he apparently has a thing for Lexie. She was the one that he flirted with in the bar last week."

"Get out! Seriously? McDreamy and your sister? Does Alex know there's competition?" Cristina stammered.

"Alex? No! Cristina, this is a big deal…I can't handle him hooking up with my bright shiny sister. That would be too much."

"Sorry. Have you talked to him?"

"Not yet. I will. Tonight. But I need a couple more drinks first. I'm really not ready yet." Meredith responded before tackling another shot.

"So, Burke called today," Cristina said casually, shifting the conversation towards her love life.

Meredith's eyes widened in surprise. She hadn't expected Cristina to bring Burke up. "Seriously? Did you talk to him?"

"No. The fucking coward called the answering machine in the apartment so he wouldn't have to talk to me." Cristina fumed.

Meredith had to admit to herself that if she were Preston Burke, she might do the same thing. There was no telling how Cristina would react on the phone, and she could be plenty fierce when she gets pissed off.

"So what did he say on the message?" Meredith inquired.

"He basically wants to know what I'm doing with the apartment. If I'm staying there then I can have the lease moved over into my name exclusively, and if I'm moving, I can take what I want and he'll send movers to get the rest." Cristina replied, not showing the smallest hint of emotion in her voice. It was almost as if she felt no attachment to her history with him whatsoever.

"Well, what are you going to do?" She used her fingers to wipe at the corners of her mouth a little to make sure that she wasn't making a mess of herself with the tequila shots. Her nose was starting to feel a little tingly so she knew the alcohol was starting to take effect.

"I can't afford the place on my own. I need to find a place, I guess. But I'm taking the cappuccino maker. I worked too hard to learn how to use that thing to let him keep it." Cristina replied, smiling a little. If there was one item that Preston would miss among the remains of his apartment, it was his damned professional-grade cappuccino maker that he paid a small fortune for. It was the little things like that that gave Cristina great retaliatory pleasure.

"I can go apartment hunting with you this weekend. And if anything opens up at the Chateau Grey, I'll let you know," Meredith reassured.

"Deal," Cristina responded, returning to her beer. "Hey, are you ready to talk to Derek yet?" She added, turning around on her stool to survey the crowd at Joe's.

"No. Definitely not ready yet." She made eye contact with Joe to get another refill.

"Well, prepare yourself. Derek and McSteamy just walked in," Cristina commented, getting perverse pleasure out of her friend's deer-in-headlights reaction.

Derek and Mark immediately saw the two girls sitting at the bar, and Derek smiled broadly. Even Mark was happy to see his favorite dirty mistress despite the fact that he expected it would cut down on his male-bonding time with Derek. They walked towards the empty seats near Meredith and Cristina, and quickly joined them.

"Hello, ladies," Derek said smoothly as he sat next to Meredith. "How's your evening going?" he asked casually.

"I'm not ready to talk to you yet. I need to work on communication with you, but I'm not ready yet," Meredith replied.

Derek raised his eyebrows in surprise while Mark chuckled a little. If there was one thing that could get his mind off Addison it was the awkward spectacle of any conversation between Derek and Meredith.

"Did you…talk...to someone today?" Derek asked slowly, confused.

Meredith nodded.

"What do you mean talk to someone? Who did you talk to, Meredith?" Cristina asked, trying to decipher the coded messages between them.

"I've started seeing a therapist. It's healthy and what normal people do. I have issues," Meredith responded abruptly, playing around with her empty shot glass.

"Um…right," Cristina responded.

Derek ordered a scotch and turned toward Mark, shrugging. Sometimes women baffled him, and Meredith was a particularly large challenge.

Mark grabbed his beer and got up off his stool. "Darts?" he said, signaling to Cristina that they should leave them alone for a bit.

"Bring it on," Cristina agreed, always anxious for a competitive challenge.

Meredith shifted awkwardly in her chair, uncomfortable with the sudden realization of being alone with Derek…of needing to communicate with him.

_Communication is good, Meredith_. Dr. Evans' words reverberated in Meredith's head. Fortunately, Derek beat her to it.

"I'm glad you're here. I actually wanted to talk to you tonight," Derek started.

_Oh, boy. Here it comes…_ Meredith thought, bracing for the worst.

"Did you know that Lexie is working at Seattle Grace?" he asked, hoping that he wasn't saying anything too revolutionary. There was no telling how many shots Meredith had done already or how she would take the news of Lexie working at the hospital.

"Yes, actually, I met her yesterday," Meredith stated, a little relieved that he was bringing this up. It spared her the communicatory pressure.

"Well, I wanted to let you know that she was the girl that I flirted with in the bar last week, but believe me, I had absolutely no idea that she was your sister at the time, and now I feel like a giant ass about it," Derek confessed.

"Really?" Meredith asked, surprised.

"Really. Mere, even if I was interested in seeing other people, which I'm not by the way, but if I was, there's no way that I would pursue your sister. That would be like…" Derek's voice trailed off. "Well, let's just say, I know what it's like to have two people close to you betray you, and I would never do that to you."

"But I'm not close with Lexie," Meredith argued.

"Doesn't matter, she's still family."

Meredith felt relieved, particularly by Derek's reference to Mark and Addison. That idea added a level of untouchability to Lexie that she hadn't considered before. But still, she wasn't entirely convinced.

"So, if she's so off limits, why did you request to have her work with you today?" Meredith asked, acting a little more stubborn and snarky than she actually felt.

"What?" Derek asked, surprised that Meredith knew about that. "I didn't request her. I requested _you_. I was getting ready for a craniotomy and I asked the Nurse's Station to page Dr. Grey and they sent her."

Meredith looked at him skeptically.

"Honestly, Mere. I had no idea who she was until she showed up today in response to the page. And then I felt guilty about sending her away to get you because she was all embarrassed that she had hit on me in the bar, so I just let her stay." Derek looked at Meredith with a desperate intensity that practically begged her to believe him. The last thing he needed was Meredith being suspicious of him after all that they'd been through lately. "Mere, you've got to believe that I have no interest in anyone but you," he added for good measure.

"Okay," Meredith whispered, satisfied with his response.

Derek sighed audibly as he relaxed his shoulders and nursed his scotch.

"Did your talk go okay today?" Derek asked, happy to change the subject.

"Yeah, it was good, I think. I like the person that I'm talking to and she seemed reasonable enough. She wants me to try communicating more with you," Meredith responded, subtly and subconsciously shifting her body so that she was leaning in closer to him. She unexpectedly got a whiff of his aftershave – a musky, outdoorsy scent that reminded her of the trailer and the woods and made her close her eyes to savor the scent.

"I think that sounds like a good idea," Derek confirmed. "We should make a point of communicating a lot, if you ask me. Like, every day even."

Meredith opened her eyes and remembered the terms of the conversation the night before. She felt like it was important to stick to the temporary overness plan. Or, at the very least, she knew she shouldn't abandon it after only a day. There was no way she was ready for all the commitment stuff Derek was expecting. After all, she'd only been in one day's worth of therapy and she didn't want the pressure of having to share everything with Derek just yet, particularly when Cristina needed her so much.

"Derek…we're taking a break, remember? We don't have to talk every day. Just when stuff is bothering us about the other person like Lexie was bothering me," she insisted.

"That was bothering you?" Derek asked gently.

"Yes. And I had planned to talk to you about it tonight, too, if you hadn't brought it up."

"Are you okay with it now?" he prodded cautiously.

"Yes," Meredith affirmed.

"Does this mean that you're sticking to all of the terms you outlined last night? Like the no sex one?"

Meredith grinned at him, happy that his comment seemed to disprove Cristina's cuddle theory. "Definitely no sex yet," she responded.

"Okay," Derek sighed, playing up his disappointment in case it could get her to change her mind.

He sipped his scotch a little more while Meredith ordered another drink. He never ceased to be amazed how such a small body could imbibe so much alcohol. He was certain that she could out-drink most football players.

He looked over at her, eyes sparkling impishly. "Can I ask you again after you have a few more of those?"

"Derek!" Meredith swatted him playfully, laughing.

The two continued to drink and chat casually, eventually inviting Mark and Cristina back into the conversation before going their separate ways around midnight.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Sorry for the delay at posting this chapter! I've had a really busy week with family in town and going back to school (I'm a teacher). Thanks for all of the reviews and for continuing to read! Enjoy!**

* * *

"So, not only can the man suture his own face, but he kicked my ass at darts. I'm clearly going to have to practice more," Cristina huffed as she stumbled into Meredith's house. They both had consumed far more liquor than they had planned, and their lack of communication about who would be the designated driver resulted in them deciding to take a cab to Meredith's. Cristina preferred staying there to going back to Preston's anyway, and Meredith was a little too drunk to have much of a preference about anything. 

"Are you planning a rematch?" Meredith asked, suddenly intrigued by the prospect of Mark becoming some sort of rebound for Cristina. There was something a little too perfect about her best friend hanging out with Derek's former best friend.

"Not until I practice, but he _will_ be defeated," Cristina replied, competitive as ever.

"We should go to Joe's again tomorrow night so I can practice. Maybe I'll get my own board…put Burke's picture on the bull's-eye…" Her voice began to trail off as she went deep in thought.

The lights were still on in the main-level of the house, and Meredith noticed that an unfamiliar car sat in the driveway.

"I wonder who's here," Meredith mumbled, half to herself.

The two women casually walked further into the house. The smell of slightly burnt microwave popcorn immediately overwhelmed their senses, and the sound of a girl giggling came from the living room.

Meredith and Cristina looked at each other curiously, anxious to figure out the answer to their mystery, and walked far too quickly to the living room, nearly tripping along the way in their drunkenness.

There sat Lexie and Alex amidst a big bowl of popcorn and several empty beer bottles. The TV was filled with black and white static and a battered box of Ellis Grey's surgery tapes sat in a disheveled mess on the floor. The couple sat comfortably on the couch at a distance safe enough to assume that they hadn't been messing around yet, but Meredith sensed that if they had waited much longer to walk in, that would no longer be the case.

"Hey!" Alex said, greeting them with a bit more enthusiasm than usual as he realized they were no longer alone.

"Watching my mother's tapes?" Meredith asked, almost accusatorily.

"Yeah, I hope you don't mind," Lexie replied. "I met Alex today while I was in the gallery and he told me that he was one of your roommates and that if I really liked watching surgeries, I should come check out some of these. So I did. I hope it's okay," Lexie innocently explained.

Alex not-so-subtly winked at Meredith and Cristina. Lexie was turned away from him so there was no risk that she would see.

Meredith smiled and nodded while Cristina kicked off her shoes and collapsed into a chair.

"You know, Alex…I bumped into Nurse Olivia today and she said that she had some sudden syph flare up – that the meds hadn't actually worked to cure it – and she wanted me to tell you that you should go get yourself checked out," Cristina announced coolly.

Lexie shifted a bit uncomfortably on the couch, her body language suddenly tilting away from Alex as Meredith laughed and rolled her eyes.

The look on Alex's face was priceless – a mix of shock and anger as he was appalled that Cristina actually had the nerve to say something like that. For some people, alcohol helped them become less inhibited and that could be a good thing. For Cristina, her friends could use all the inhibitions they could get.

"You are such a lying bitch sometimes, Cristina," Alex retorted. A small part of him had to admit that he was impressed. Occasionally he wondered if Cristina had bigger balls than him, but he was afraid to know the answer. "Don't listen to her, Lexie. She was dumped recently and now tries to make everyone else feel her pain."

"Dude," Cristina quickly responded, suddenly finding herself engaged in a game of wit with Alex. "STDs are serious shit. I totally wouldn't joke about the fact that half of our wing had to get tested for the syphilis epidemic you created. You should have seen it, Lexie, the chief made all of us go to a safe sex seminar and everything."

Alex's eyes shot daggers toward Cristina as he racked his brain for a quick response only to come up with nothing. It seemed Cristina had won this round, and she smiled a super-broad-in-your-face kind of grin in Alex's direction.

"Come on, Cristina. Alex wasn't getting _that much_ play to be the source, and you're totally making up the Olivia stuff. There is no drug resistant syph spreading in the hospital. Let's leave these two alone to watch more tapes and go to bed. I, for one, am exhausted," Meredith said, intervening to help Alex out. She did not want to see the carnage if Alex and Cristina continued. In their own house game of Survivor, Cristina would be sure to outwit, outlast, and outplay Alex every single time.

Meredith marched over to Cristina's seat and grabbed hold of her arm, pulling her up with both hands. Cristina wanted to stay downstairs to mediate the end of what was left of Alex and Lexie's first date, but she knew Meredith wouldn't let her, and she didn't have the energy to fight her off. She had to admit that she was pretty wiped out from her long day, and an early shift awaited them in a mere seven hours.

The two trudged up the stairs while Meredith considered the need to fight a hangover. She went into the bathroom and rummaged through the medicine cabinet, hoping that there was still some extra strength Excedrine in there. Izzie had purchased a giant bottle at the beginning of the year, but there were many hangovers to be battled amongst the house's occupants, and there was no telling if any was left. Eventually Meredith found it in a linen cabinet amongst the towels, remembering that the bottle was too big to even fit in the medicine cabinet, and she grabbed a few pills and a big glass of water to share with her friend.

When she returned to her bedroom, Cristina was already curled up in bed, eyes closed. _She's sleeping on Derek's half_, Meredith thought. It was a sad thought as she missed walking in and seeing him there. She wondered if it still smelled like him, and if so, how much longer that scent would linger. She swallowed the pills and enough water that some streamed down the sides of her face, and she quickly changed into a nightshirt.

"Here, Cristina, take these," Meredith said, startling her dozing friend as she offered the pills. "Hangover prevention."

"Thanks," Cristina replied, reaching. She sat up in bed and chugged the remaining water.

"You know, that wasn't very nice what you did to Alex downstairs," Meredith began lecturing.

"Seriously? You're going to bother me about this?" Cristina shot back, surprised.

"I just don't think you should joke around about him having syphilis and stuff, especially if he is actually interested in Lexie," Meredith continued.

"Look, Mere, I didn't mean to offend any recovering syph patients or upset your apparently poor sense of humor. I'm just trying to make sure I win my twenty bucks." Cristina seemed a bit more annoyed and defensive than usual.

Meredith turned off the lights and climbed into bed, no longer able to see Cristina's face. In some ways, she felt more confident talking to Cristina under the mask of darkness. It was like their own little slumber party where secrets could be divulged and forgotten about by the following morning.

"Well, since it means that much to you, I will pay you _forty_ bucks if Alex can get with Lexie so that Derek won't," Meredith responded, surprising even herself that she would consider such an option. Certainly, Derek had been convincing at the bar that he wasn't interested in Lexie, yet, Meredith couldn't quite trust him. She wanted to eliminate all possibilities of a Lexie-Derek hook-up, and since sending Lexie away to a different hospital didn't seem likely, this would have to work.

"Mere…" Cristina began quietly. "Do you still think Derek is going to hook up with Lexie?"

Meredith paused. "I don't know…"

"Do you think you can trust him when he says that he won't?"

"I don't know," Meredith continued, unable to muster more than a whisper.

"When are you going to figure out what you want to do with your relationship?"

"I don't know…"

The two women laid in silence for a few moments, both staring at the ceiling as their eyes adjusted to being in complete darkness.

"Do you think we can have it all?" Cristina asked, suddenly. "I mean, do you think that we're the kind of people capable of having great careers and happy home lives?"

Meredith turned toward Cristina, still not able to see her face, but sensing her concern.

"I'm not sure. I hope so," Meredith replied.

"Me, too," Cristina whispered. And soon, both women were asleep.

* * *

Although Meredith and Cristina had left the bar around midnight, Derek decided that he would stay there a bit longer to talk to Mark. After all, he had intended to spend some time talking to his old friend that night, and running into Meredith had merely been a happy coincidence that sidetracked him for a while. But as much as he hated to admit it, he needed a guy to talk to as much as he sensed that Mark did. 

The two sat at the bar slowly sipping their drinks and making small talk before Mark built up the confidence to push some conversational boundaries with Derek. He had no idea what topics would be on or off-limits with Derek yet, just as he had no idea how tentative their friendship really was.

Mark gulped down the remains of his beer and finally pressed Derek. "So, just how complicated is your relationship with Grey these days?"

Derek took a deep breath, somewhat relieved that Mark had brought up the topic so he wouldn't have to. "Very, very complicated."  
"Are you going to make it?" Mark asked, genuinely concerned.

"I don't know. I hope so, but I'm not sure. Sometimes I think that I want it more than she does."

Mark nodded, encouraging Derek to go on.

"She just comes and goes whenever she likes – whenever it's convenient for her to be in a relationship with me, and I just stand around waiting, hoping that she'll notice how much I want to be with her. Hoping she'll include me or pick me over her friends."

"I think she'd pick you over her friends," Mark assured him.

"Really? Because I'm not sure. She's constantly choosing Cristina over me because Cristina's her 'person,' and I think that _I _should be her person. Isn't that what happens in grown-up relationships?" Derek was starting to get a little angry now. His mopey post-break-up stage was being replaced by his moody side.

"I'm probably not the best person to ask about grown-up relationships," Mark admitted, carefully studying his friend for clues on what his friend needed from him. Mark had been the friend Derek turned to for relationship advice for the better part of twenty-plus years. Still, he had never seen any woman leave as much of an impression on Derek as Meredith Grey.

"I just don't know if she's ready to be in a real relationship and settle down, and I don't know if I can wait around for her to get to that point. I'm done with the casual dating thing. I'm too old for it, Mark. I want the house, and the wife, and the kids, and the damn dog, and if she's not sure she wants to give me that someday, then I need to find someone who is." Derek took a sip of his scotch. He was on a roll now. "Maybe the age gap really _does_ matter. None of this is urgent for her, and she doesn't get that it is for me. I don't want to be in my sixties when my kids are starting off to college. God, I never thought I'd be saying this shit, but it's true. It's what I've been thinking about, especially since the divorce, and Meredith just doesn't fucking get it. She's just not ready to be a grown-up yet."

Mark searched frantically for the right words to say. He wanted to defend his favorite dirty mistress, and as someone who had only recently shown an interest in being a grown-up himself, he completely understood her aversion to committing to so much. Still, he knew that she was it for Derek, and he'd never find anyone else who would make him so happy. He didn't want to watch his best friend searching futilely to fill that void.

"I'm bad with analogies," Mark finally began.

"Agreed," Derek interrupted, a smile slowly creeping across his face.

"But bear with me," Mark continued, undeterred. "Have you ever seen the show 'The Dog Whisperer'?"

Derek nodded, his grin now unmistakable, "Are you calling my girlfriend a dog?"

"No!" Mark yelled, suddenly realizing that he was, in fact, going to make that comparison if he carried out his analogy. "Well, sorta… It's not a _perfect_ analogy," he said, trying to gloss over his embarrassment.

"Please continue," Derek encouraged.

"Well, you know how on the show they always have dogs that will hump anything that moves or shit on your bed…"

"I may have missed those episodes," Derek interjected.

Mark kept going, unfazed. "And the owners have tried everything they can to make their dogs behave, but nothing works, until finally Cesar comes in and shows them the way. Suddenly the dogs are perfect—they just needed the right trainer."

"So I need to train Meredith?" Derek asked, not entirely sure he followed his friend's line of thinking.

"No, that's not quite what I'm saying… Joe, get me another beer," he commanded. Clearly alcohol would help this.

Joe delivered Mark a cold bottle of brew which Mark quickly started guzzling.

"What I'm trying to say is that I was crazy, constantly sleeping with women, uncaring of who got hurt in the process, and finally Addison told me that she would give us a chance if I went sixty days without sex."

"Did you?" Derek asked, genuinely curious if his friend was capable of such a feat.

"Yes, but she couldn't. But that's beside the point. My point is that if I hadn't met Addison, and if I didn't think that I had a chance to really make things work with her, then I definitely would have kept going with my stupid ways. I just needed the right teacher to show me that I could be different. Addison was my Cesar Milan," Mark said, happy that he finally got there.

Derek laughed a little. "Did you ever tell her that? Because if so, I don't know _how_ she could have possibly left."

"I'm going to ignore that comment since I'm helping _you_ right now." Mark regained his seriousness. "Meredith and I have a lot in common, being former dirty mistresses and all, and I think she needs you to lay it all out for her. She needs to know how she should change and what she's working towards if she's ever going to stop messing with your head. Tell her that you want all of these things for your future with her. Make her get that."

Derek sighed, his amusement turning a bit more somber.

"I appreciate what you're trying to say. I've tried to do that, but I just don't know if I have the energy or patience to guide Meredith through all that. What if we don't have the same goals? What if she doesn't ever want to have kids? That's totally possible - and that might be a deal-breaker for me."

"Well, find out what she thinks. But Derek, if you start asking her to make changes for you and put all sorts of pressure on her, you better be willing to live up to your end of the bargain." Mark insisted. The more he thought about Meredith and Derek, the more passionate he was becoming to make sure that it all works out. He felt like it was a second chance for the dirty mistresses, and he needed a reason to believe that people like him and Meredith could get those chances.

Derek nodded solemnly.

"I'm glad that we had a chance to talk tonight, Mark. We should do this more often. It's not often that I get someone try to cheer me up by telling me that I should become the Dog Whisperer," Derek joked, regaining his sense of humor.

"That's what I'm here for. Maybe if she wasn't such a bitch, the analogy wouldn't have come to me," Mark grinned, enjoying the opportunity to tease his best friend. It had been much too long.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Sorry it's taken me so long to put up another chapter. I had LASIK last week, and it has limited the number of hours I could spend in front of my computer screen. I've also been frantically getting ready to go back to school today (I'm a teacher), so I just haven't had as much time as I would have liked. Then I started having technical difficulties with the site this weekend and couldn't post what I had finished. Ugh!!! Things should settle down soon, though. Hopefully this chapter makes up for the wait! Enjoy!**

* * *

As the hospital's elevator doors opened, Meredith noticed that only one person was on the elevator – Derek Shepherd. His eyes met hers, and he quickly lit up, causing the blue in his eyes to sparkle a little as he smiled at her. The sight of him simultaneously took her breath away and caused her to hesitate a little. She had experienced this phenomenon so many times before, and by now she understood that the elevator could be a dangerous place for their current status. Eventually Meredith's mental calculations decided that the risk of having him make a move on her in the elevator was pretty small, and she didn't want to appear to be actively avoiding him, so she boarded. She was careful, however, to make sure that she limited her eye contact with him, and subsequently she turned away from him on the elevator so that both were facing the direction of the elevator door. 

But she could still smell him.

The subtle scent of his aftershave was amazing – the kind of scent that she could get lost in and completely let down her guard to. It was as if the elevator had been gassed with a magic elixir that wiped out all memory and common sense for Meredith. And it was a scent that she couldn't stop inhaling.

Derek stepped forward a little, trying to catch his own whiff of the lavender conditioner Meredith always used. He had been thinking a lot about her since his conversation with Mark the night before, and he had decided that he would try to convince her to spend some time with him so that they could talk. But knowing how prone Meredith tended to be about running and dodging these kinds of situations, particularly with him, he would need to be crafty about getting her to agree.

"Tomorrow is Friday…" Derek started.

Meredith smiled, happy to hear his voice. "I agree," she interrupted.

"How much do you have to work this weekend?" he asked, trying to sound casual – like he was making the kind of small talk friends often made.

"My schedule is pretty good, actually, in part because I've already put in so many hours this week. I'll be off sometime after lunch tomorrow and I have all day Saturday off," Meredith responded.

"Wow, you get a Saturday off?" Derek asked, sounding genuinely surprised. It wasn't often that first or second years had time off on weekends.

"Pretty amazing, isn't it?" Meredith acknowledged.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that. It just so happens that I was given tickets to a John Mayer concert for tomorrow night at the Gorge. Would you like to join me?" Derek asked, innocently. It was a half-truth. In reality, Derek had purchased the tickets months ago in what he had planned to be a surprise for Meredith. He certainly hadn't expected their relationship to be placed on hiatus before the concert date arrived, and he certainly hadn't expected the need to try to lobby her to go the day before. He had been prepared to let the tickets go to someone else, but after talking with Mark, this seemed like just the kind of good will gesture he could use to get a conversation rolling.

"You _just so happen_ to have John Mayer tickets?" Meredith asked skeptically. She really wanted to go, but she was going to make him work on getting her to agree to it.

"Yeah, someone I know gave them to me because he couldn't use them, and you were the first person I thought of to ask to go with me. I know you like his stuff," Derek continued, still lying a little. Not a large, malicious lie, but a small white one that was in Meredith's best interest. In both of their best interests.

"And it's at the Gorge?" Meredith asked, arching an eyebrow at him.

The Gorge was a beautiful amphitheater about three hours away from Seattle, and he had planned a big camping trip to go along with the concert. In fact, Meredith's time off for the weekend was a result of his request. But now that their relationship was more complicated, he didn't think he could pull off the camping trip too.

"Yeah. I could pick you up around four and we could still make it in time. We have real seats not lawn seats," Derek responded, trying to read her body language to see if she was going to give in. He wasn't sure yet.

"Look, Mere. There are no strings attached. I got these tickets and as your friend, I would like to share them with you. If you can't go, or you don't want to, I can try to get Mark to go with me, but to be honest, I don't really want to babysit him in a crowd of screaming fourteen-year-olds that look like they're twenty-something."

Meredith smiled at that image. She had seen a John Mayer concert before and she definitely had been surprised to discover that the average age demographic was far lower than what she had expected. Mark would have a field day scoping out girls at a place like that.

"Just friends?" Meredith asked for good measure.

"Of course," Derek reassured.

"Okay, I guess we could do that," she agreed.

"Great!" Derek responded enthusiastically. "I'll pick you up around four."

"Sounds good," Meredith replied. The elevator came to a stop, and as she stepped off, she wondered if she had just made a mistake in agreeing to go. _Leave it to Derek to exploit my weakness_, she thought, unable to help the smile that was spreading across her face.

* * *

"You look unusually happy today," Cristina mentioned. She seemed distracted despite her best efforts to be a supportive friend. Her hair was unusually messy, and her body language made her look more diminutive than confident. 

"Not unusually happy. Just looking forward to the weekend," Meredith responded as casually as she could. She was certain that her excitement about a not-date with Derek was plastered across her face, but she wasn't particularly interested in having the moment shattered by a Cristina lecture about dealing with McDreamy.

"Burke is fucking me over on the apartment," Cristina quickly confessed. She knew something was still going on with Meredith, but she no longer had the capacity to keep her own problems at bay. She needed to divulge the latest development in the wreckage that was her almost marriage.

"What's going on?" Meredith asked, concern registering across her face as her forehead wrinkled a little. She wiped a few wisps of hair out of her face so that she could focus completely on her friend.

"I called his lawyer who is apparently my only means of communicating with Burke…"

"He has a lawyer?"

"It's Burke. Either I talk to a lawyer or I talk to Momma Burke, and that's not happening…"

"Agreed. And?" Meredith sighed, still being supportive.

"And I said that I was going to move out and find my own apartment, and the lawyer said that the moving truck will arrive on Saturday to take all of Burke's stuff that I leave. Mere, he wants me out by Saturday. How in the world am I pulling that off?" Cristina slouched even further and started kneading her hands together. She seemed deep in thought, but quickly realized how distraught she must appear. She straightened a little and began pacing instead, pausing only to run a hand through her hair.

"That makes no sense. Have you tried asking for an extension?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah, but who knows what the lawyer is saying to Burke. I haven't been able to get a response at all," she replied.

"Well, we'll pack up your stuff tonight, and you'll stay with me until you find an apartment of your own," Meredith assured. Certainly not an ideal solution, but one that would have to work. "And first thing Saturday morning, we'll find you a new place that you'll love – one with plenty of counter space for the cappuccino maker."

Cristina smiled. She suspected that Meredith would suggest that, but actually hearing the words went a long way toward reassuring her that things would be okay.

"Are you sure you can handle having me move into your place – into your _room_ – and taking over your space?" Cristina asked.

"You're my person, it's the least I can do for you." _And besides, having you stay with me is a tremendous insurance policy that I don't mistakenly bring Derek home to my bed any time soon. You can be the ultimate cock-block, _Meredith thought.

"I promise it will be short, Mere."

"I know. Don't worry. Take as long as you need," Meredith urged.

"Thanks," Cristina responded genuinely before moving on through the hall. She didn't say goodbye or make any definite plans for after work but just returned to her business, happy to be done with the distraction of conversation about her personal life.

* * *

When Meredith arrived at Cristina's apartment, she barely recognized the place that had once been occupied by Preston and Cristina. Dirty clothes littered the floors and furniture. Dishes lined the countertops and glasses filled with a liquid coated in surface scum sat untouched in random places throughout the room. Meredith couldn't believe that mold could grow so quickly, and she was beginning to wonder if Cristina was doing some sort of medical research or trying to make penicillin from the various specimens. Suddenly the prospect of having Cristina Yang as a roommate seemed like a bigger sacrifice than Meredith was prepared for. 

"Cristina, what happened in here?" Meredith asked, disbelieving how quickly the apartment had been transformed.

"The maid service was cancelled and I've been…busy," Cristina replied slowly. If she was truly embarrassed by her mess, she certainly didn't show it.

"You did all of this in less than a week?" Meredith continued, her voice a mix of bewilderment and awe.

"I got a few boxes from the store on my way home. They're over there," Cristina stated coolly, pointing to an area next to the dining room table. "No need to sort anything, just start loading it up."

Meredith worked her way throughout the room, trying to make some sense of how to pack Cristina's things. Objects seemed to be everywhere, and eventually Meredith resigned herself to gathering various kitchen items and washing the dishes. Even if Cristina had no intention of keeping everything, Meredith felt a little guilty about leaving the apartment in total disarray. Meredith grabbed a handful of cups and made her way to the kitchen sink.

"You know, Izzie will flip out if you do this at our house," Meredith cautioned. _I'll flip out if you do this at our house, too, _was the subtle message she was trying to send to her friend, but she packaged it instead in the neatly wrapped thought of blaming Izzie. Izzie wouldn't mind.

"Mere, I won't be at your place for very long. You don't need to worry about my mess-making capabilities," Cristina retorted, clearly defensive.

"I know, I'm just saying…" Meredith's mind began to wander as she ran her hands under a steady stream of hot water. The sink was beginning to fill with suds from the green apple scented dish soap she had dumped in, and for a moment, the sights and sounds transported her to a time when she and Derek sat amidst their own swath of bubbles. At the time, they had only recently reunited, and they were trying to develop a relationship based off something besides sex. She couldn't remember which one of them had suggested taking a bubble bath together, but it was clearly a bad idea for abating sexual tension. The sensation of his naked body wrapped around her and slipping against her under the steamy blanket of bubbles nearly destroyed any resistance she could muster. He nuzzled her neck and nipped gently at her ears, sending sensations all throughout her body. She could feel the length of him growing harder behind her, pressing into her lower back, and the realization of how much he wanted her made her unwittingly squirm a little against him. She kneaded his legs beneath the water, slowly working her massage further up his thighs until she got to a place too dangerous to continue without taking him all the way. He countered by slowly and deliberately grazing a sponge over each of her nipples, making them harden even under the water. Occasionally he'd work his hands lower, trying to separate her inner thighs, but somehow she resisted. It was the only time that she saw the need to follow up a bath with a cold shower.

"You are the reason there's a water shortage in some parts of the country," Cristina commented, turning off the running water in the sink.

"What?" Meredith asked, dazed. She bit her lower lip, trying to savor any remnants of her memory. Slowly it dawned on her that she had left the water running the whole time and hadn't done a single dish yet.

"God, is it sex? You were totally thinking about sex, weren't you?" Cristina blurted, trying to figure out what could possibly distract Meredith so much.

Meredith blushed, wishing she could improve her skills at lying, especially with Cristina.

"Details?" Cristina urged.

"It's nothing, really." Meredith replied, embarrassed.

"Obviously…" Cristina rolled her eyes at her friend's attempt at a cover-up. "What's going on with you? You were all googly-eyed happy earlier and now you're practically drooling in my kitchen sink."

"I'm going out with Derek tomorrow night," Meredith confessed.

"Is that another part of your plan to be temporarily over?"

"We're just going as friends. He had concert tickets and he invited me along." Now Meredith felt defensive. She picked up a dish that had some mystery substance caked on it and began scrubbing away, taking out her frustrations on the plate.

"Friends." Cristina's skepticism radiated not only from her voice, but from the expression on her face.

"Yes, friends. Friends go to concerts together."

"Just like friends cuddle and fantasize about each other naked. Do _we_ have that kind of friendship?" Cristina mocked.

"It's different. It's…Derek."

"I _know_. That's why I'm worried."

"Well, don't be. I can resist him and we're still over. I'm not ready to get back into a relationship with him. We're just friends." Meredith responded, sounding like she was trying to convince herself as much as she was convincing Cristina.

"Whatever you say, Mere. Do you think I should keep these latte mugs? They're good for cereal, too." Cristina sputtered, digging through cupboards.

Meredith nodded, moving onto the bigger task of scrubbing pans and wondering when her friend would have possibly cooked anything. As far as she was concerned, she had no qualms about Cristina pillaging Burke's apartment after the way he left her at the wedding and was now kicking her out.

"I don't really like this blender, but maybe Izzie would like it…" Cristina continued to mumble, suddenly enjoying the opportunity to take as many items as possible from Burke's apartment. Even in the aftermath of their break up, the passive-aggressiveness that characterized their relationship continued.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: A longish update...The Mer/Der "not" date has been surprisingly difficult to write. I've been through multiple drafts and revisions on these next few chapters because I really want to get this right -- it's potentially a big moment for them. Please let me know what you think... :-)**

* * *

"Scoop neck tee or halter top?" Meredith asked Izzie while trying to get ready for the first actual date she had been on in an incredibly long time. 

"It depends, are you looking for sex or trying to fight him off?" Izzie replied, surveying the two tops Meredith held out on hangers as though she were trying to decide which patient to save and which to let go.

"Yes," Meredith answered, nodding.

"Yes, what?" Izzie's eyebrow wrinkled in confusion.

"Yes, I'm looking for sex but trying to fight him off," Meredith confirmed.

"Oh, okay, well in that case, wear the scoop neck but make sure you have a sexy bra on underneath. And take a sweater – it will get cold at night and you might not want McDreamy as your only source of warmth," Izzie advised, understanding Meredith's clothing needs completely. "And I have a great necklace that you can wear with that. Let me go get it."

Izzie ran off to her room while Meredith scurried to change her bra and shirt. Derek was due to arrive to pick her up any minute from now, and she was running late in getting ready. For possibly the first time in her relationship with Derek, Meredith had actually taken the time to curl her hair and put on makeup for her date. The arrival of possible competition in the form of Lexie Grey pushed Meredith into heightened awareness of her own appearance, and she was ready to improve her game. If the sight of Meredith with no makeup and hair going every which way following a 36-hour shift could turn Derek on, she could only imagine how he would react to seeing her like this. Her heart began to race as she anticipated finding out.

Izzie returned with a long silver necklace speckled with clusters of brown beads and placed it over Meredith's head, careful to avoid tangling with her hair. The necklace drew just enough attention to Meredith's collarbone and bust-line without being overdone.

"Perfect," Izzie cooed, excited for her friend. "Now, stay up here until you hear the doorbell. You don't want to wait downstairs because that will make him think he was running late."

"Okay," Meredith agreed, slightly nervous. She felt like she was waiting for her prom date to arrive or something.

"And, Mere?" Izzie practically whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Bring me back a tee shirt?" Izzie smiled the kind of smile that made it impossible for Meredith to say no.

"Of course," Meredith grinned back.

Izzie turned and went back downstairs to serve as the official greeter for the Grey house, while Meredith returned to pacing and fidgeting and biting her lip as she waited. Patience in moments like these was certainly not one of her virtues. She didn't fully understand why she was so nervous. Part of her reminded herself that he had asked her to accompany him as a friend only, but mostly she was smart enough to see that it was just a cover for something more. Her only question was what he would be expecting from her. The three hour drive facing them in each direction tied her stomach in more than a couple knots. She didn't feel prepared to go into a full discussion of their relationship status yet, and she also thought that she needed to continue the break. Still, she missed being with him and was happy for the opportunity to have some alone time, even if it was clouded  
with uncertainty.

"Mere! A car is pulling up!" Izzie yelled from the main level of the home.

Meredith's heart fluttered in her chest as she double checked her appearance one last time in the mirror.

"It's McDreamy! He's walking up to the door!" Izzie called again.

"Izz – you don't have to give the play by play. It's okay, really," Meredith shouted back, smiling. She applied a little more lip gloss to give her lips a subtle pink shimmer and tucked the tube into her purse. She felt good about the way she looked – confident and irresistible even – and she was dying to see Derek's reaction as he laid eyes on her. Hearing the doorbell ring and Izzie greeting Derek, Meredith decided that it was her cue to head downstairs.

When Meredith glanced downstairs at Derek standing in the foyer, she immediately felt herself flush with the excitement of seeing him. He had probably spent as much time getting ready for the evening as she had, and his efforts definitely paid off. Somehow Derek had the ability to add whole new layers of sexiness to the simple combination of slim fitting dark jeans and a snug gray tee. His hair was a mess of curls, but one that had taken time to create carefully with a bottle of gel that allowed each tendril to be placed just right on top of his head. The smile plastered across his face made his cleanly shaved jaw line seem even stronger than usual, and he followed Meredith with his eyes every time she took a step down the stairs.

"Mere, you look amazing," he cooed when she finally reached the base of the steps. He took her hand gently and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek.

Meredith immediately detected the scent of her favorite aftershave and knew that it was going to take every iota of willpower not to devour him before the end of the evening.

"Thanks, you look good, too. Have you been working out or something?" Meredith asked, not so subtly undressing him with her eyes.

Derek shrugged, still grinning. "No, nothing different. Maybe you just haven't seen enough of me lately," he teased, winking at her.

His playfulness helped Meredith relax even further. She definitely did not get the impression that he would be grilling her anytime soon about their relationship status.

"So, I packed a small goodie basket for you guys for your drive there," Izzie said, presenting an actual basket draped with a red and white checkered cloth. "It's nothing too fancy, just some oatmeal cookies that I made today and some fruit and granola bars. Mostly healthy stuff. Oh, and there's some water bottles and diet coke in there, too," Izzie said.

"That was very sweet of you, Dr. Stevens," Derek said, genuinely impressed by the gesture.

"Well, it's what I do…bake and live vicariously through my friends who go out on great dates with guys they're ga-ga over while I stay home on a Friday night…" Izzie started.

"Thanks, Izzie," Meredith interrupted. _Ga-ga over? Seriously, she just said that?_ she thought. "Don't wait up for us. We won't be back until late," Meredith finished.

"You're not spending the night there?" Izzie asked, surprised.

Meredith looked uncomfortably over at Derek as he waited for her response almost as eagerly as Izzie did.

"No, I don't think so. We're just going to drive back when the concert ends," Meredith responded awkwardly. She hoped that Derek wouldn't be too disappointed by her response, but how could he be? They were only going as friends…

"Oh, well, drive carefully and be sure to be well caffeinated. And stop if you get too tired," Izzie instructed. Sometimes Meredith swore that Izzie mothered her more than Ellis ever did. She kind of liked it, though.

"I will take good care of her, Dr. Stevens," Derek smiled.

Izzie blushed as she realized how she must sound, as though she were preparing a daughter for a first date.

"Thanks again for the basket," Derek continued, starting towards the door. "We should get going, Mere, in case there's a lot of traffic heading out of the city."

Meredith nodded, glancing one last time over at Izzie. Her nervousness had suddenly returned as she realized that once she left with Derek, she would be trapped with him for hours with nowhere to run. She bit her lip anxiously as Izzie subtly encouraged Meredith to follow Derek.

Derek stood patiently holding the front door open for Meredith. She looked over and locked eyes with him, causing him to smile confidently once more. Taking a deep breath, she draped her sweater across her arm and walked out the door toward his car.

"So, have you been to the Gorge before for any concerts?" Derek asked, walking briskly to the car so that he could open the car door for her as well.

"A couple times, but those were a long time ago."

Derek nodded while Meredith slid into the front seat. He carefully closed the passenger door and ran around to the driver's side. Meredith leaned over to begin opening his door for him from the inside. He smiled as he watched her do it. It was a secret test that he had for all of the women he had ever dated. He always knew that the women that just sat in their own seat without reaching over to open his door were likely to be selfish. Meredith definitely was not.

Derek finished opening the driver-side door, placed Izzie's care package in the back seat and climbed into the car. He started the car, pulled some silver sunglasses down from an overhead compartment, and reprogrammed his GPS to reflect their next destination.

"Have you?" Meredith asked, wide-eyed.

"Have I…" Derek continued, a little confused.

"Been to the Gorge?" Meredith responded.

"Oh," he laughed, suddenly a little nervous himself. "No, actually. This will be my first time."

"Really?" Meredith said, excitedly. "Oh, you're going to love it. It's very beautiful and very outdoorsy, and, well, just…you." Meredith gushed.

"Very me?" Derek's eyebrow arched above the rim of his sunglasses.

"Yes, you'll see," she flirted back.

Derek smiled at her and began their three hour drive, hopeful that the evening would be memorable for both of them.

* * *

The hours flew by faster than Derek could have anticipated as he chatted with Meredith about everything and nothing. They gossiped about the new interns and discussed recent surgeries and procedures in the hospital. They oohed and aahed about the scenic beauty of Washington and swapped stories of vacations from their younger days. And at one point, Meredith convinced Derek to stop off for pizza claiming that she couldn't possibly wait for the overpriced food at the venue, despite her constant snacking on Izzie's cookies. Predictably, Meredith managed to steer clear of any conversation that could somehow be manipulated into dealing with their relationship, but Derek didn't seem to mind so much. He was just happy to be out with her and have her company again. Despite his anxiety over eventually needing to bring up the issue of their future, he hadn't felt this comfortable around Meredith in quite some time. He saw glimmers of the confidence and flirtiness that initially attracted him to her, and somehow this reassured him that things would work themselves out soon enough. 

By the time they finally arrived at the amphitheater and found parking, the venue was packed and the opening acts were almost over. Still, Derek kept his cool as he casually escorted Meredith into the covered seating.

"Is the second row okay with you?" Derek asked Meredith, smiling. The sound of a piano rippled loudly throughout the area as Ben Folds opened for John Mayer, and Derek was forced to yell in order to communicate with Meredith.

Meredith's eyes grew wide.

"Our tickets are for the second row?" she asked, disbelieving.

"Yeah, second row, center stage," Derek confirmed.

She slipped her hand into his as she let him lead her to their seats, still wearing her excitement painted across her face.

Derek soaked in every minute of her expression. He had rarely seen her so happy about anything, and it made him feel good to know that he was the source of it all. He squeezed her hand lovingly as they settled into their seats to watch the remaining moments of Ben Folds' performance.

The sun was rapidly descending around the amphitheater, casting the whole venue in a kind of orange-ish glow that amplified the area's natural beauty. Derek understood completely what Meredith had meant when she suggested that the venue was very "him," and he immediately regretted not packing his camping gear just in case he could convince her to spend the night with him.

Once the opening act ended, the noise level died down to a manageable level as the road crew moved out the piano and began setting up the stage and testing guitars.

"How in the world did you manage to get these seats? Derek, they're amazing!" Meredith gushed, still letting Derek hold her hand.

"I used some connections the day they went on sale," Derek replied, momentarily forgetting the cover story of having received them from a patient. "I thought you would like it."

If Meredith realized that he had been lying the day before, she didn't let on.

"You got these for me?' she asked, touched. She suspected that tickets these good had probably cost him a small fortune, and she was a little overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness.

"Of course, Mere. That's what people do for the ones they love," he continued, his blue eyes twinkling as he gazed at her, studying her.

"For the ones they _love_?" she echoed, leaning into Derek a little before catching herself. Her expression suddenly darkened a little as she defensively withdrew her hand from his. "I thought we were just seeing this concert as friends…"

Derek's own expression changed from one of love to one of frustration as he emitted a loud sigh. He lifted his now vacant hand up to his head and ran it through a swath of dark curls.

"Mere," he started, exasperation oozing from his voice, "I love you, and I want to believe that you still love me. Can we just forget about all of our other problems for a few hours and have a good time together?"

Tears welled up in Meredith's eyes as she looked at Derek, but she managed to fight them off.

_What am I doing?_ She thought to herself, almost frantic with a feeling of being smothered by Derek and the mass of people around them. She was three hours away from home and there was nowhere she could run to. She needed to deal with this…to make some sense out of it all. She couldn't figure out what she wanted anymore, and even though she knew deep down that Derek figured heavily into the equation, she had no idea how she would ever be able to give him what he wanted. She felt too dark and twisty to be chosen by him, and despite the fun start of their evening, she knew that any serious conversation would lead him to realize that she was still too supremely damaged to be in a relationship.

"I do still love you," Meredith finally whispered, biting her lower lip nervously. She studied the drink cups and food remnants littering the cement floor, unable to bring her eyes up to meet Derek's.

The tension that had been holding Derek's body like a vice loosened as he relished each syllable of her words. He extended his hand gently to Meredith's face, forcing her to look up at him.

"I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that I don't want to talk about us. I do. I _need_ to. But that's not why I brought you here, tonight," Derek started.

The color was slowly returning to Meredith's face as her urge to flee the scene lifted.

"I miss you, Mere. I miss being with you all of the time. I can't stop thinking about you…wanting you…loving you. You constantly push me away and send me mixed signals and choose your friends over me, but I just can't figure out how to make myself stop wanting to be with you. I planned tonight, Meredith, because I wanted one night to be just about us. No friends, no hospitals, no distractions, just us. Is that okay?" Derek asked, almost pleading.

Meredith nodded, no longer able to stem the flow of tears. She reached up to try to wipe them away, but not before Derek noticed.

"Oh, please don't let my stupidity ruin tonight for us. I never should have brought this up," Derek said, angry with himself as he now found the need to comfort Meredith. He should have known better than to push her like that. She knew that he still loved her, he didn't need to come out and say it.

"It's okay…I'm…fine…"

"Fine…" he echoed skeptically, though careful not to sound bitter.

He reached up and gently swept both of his thumbs under her eyes, drawing away any remnants of tears before sliding his hands back through her hair and down towards the nape of her neck. Her hair felt incredibly soft between his fingers, and he instinctively pulled her toward him, delicately kissing her forehead.

Meredith wrapped her arms around Derek's waist, further eliminating the space between them. The warmth of his body and sensation of his lips on her forehead soothed her, and eventually she rested her head against his shoulder to allow their embrace to continue.

"I'm so tired of resisting you, Derek," she sighed. "I'm so tired of sabotaging us and hurting you."

"Then don't," Derek replied.

"I wish it were that easy for me. I really wish…" Meredith's voice trailed off. She nuzzled into him a little bit more, savoring the cottony softness of his tee shirt.

"I know, Mere, I know…" he soothed. His own mind was a mix of emotions that left him paralyzed next to her, unable to formulate fully coherent thoughts.

"Can you just hold me for a while?" Meredith asked hopefully. "I know we need to talk and I promise that we will…tonight even…after the concert…on the ride home…but I just need some time to think…not that I can think very well with your arms around me, but maybe that will remind me _why_ I need to think…about us…and I'm starting to get cold."

"Okay," he said, smiling warmly at her. He leaned into her and kissed her lips cautiously, half-expecting her to retreat. Instead she reciprocated fully, exploring his mouth with her tongue.

Derek began running one hand through her hair and pushing himself up against her as his passion for her built. The combination of intense need and recent neglect caused his pants to feel tight. He instinctively moved closer to her, trying to eliminate every millimeter of space between them. Meredith gasped at the sensation of him bumping into her, and she quickly withdrew from his mouth, blushing.

"Derek, there are thousands of people here, some of which are children," she teased, suddenly self-conscious amidst the crowd. Although they were no longer kissing, she continued to linger in his tight embrace, still feeling him pressed up against her.

"I know. I just wanted to give you one more reminder of why you need to think about us tonight," he smiled mischievously.

"Your message is very effective," she replied, unable to conceal her own grin. She kissed him again furtively before turning away to see the stage. Meredith tugged at his jeans pocket with her left hand to keep him close behind her while she slipped in front of him in the narrow aisle. He draped his arms around her waist, and she interlaced her fingers with his just as the amphitheater went dark so that the band could take the stage.

Silently, Meredith hoped that John Mayer would play a long set. She had a lot to think about.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I hope you enjoy this chapter. I recently saw John Mayer in concert and I love him about as much as I love Derek. If you haven't heard the song referenced in this chapter, you should definitely check it out. It screams MerDer. And please review! I've really been struggling with writing these chapters lately and need some feedback. Thanks!**

* * *

"This next song is called _Slow Dancing in a Burning Room_," John Mayer announced before allowing his acoustic guitar to whine and purr into the night. It was the second song of his encore, and the crowd continued to scream for more. Particularly Meredith, who knew that the end of the concert meant the beginning of a conversation she had been putting off for weeks. 

Derek was amazing all night. They had watched the sun set romantically over the amphitheater, painting the sky with a gradual assortment of oranges and pinks before settling into indigoes and violets, and he had wrapped his arms around her to blanket her with his warmth. During slow songs, he nuzzled her neck gently, swaying with her every movement to the music, and he seemed genuinely excited to be there even if the music didn't necessarily make his regular iPod playlist. Every drum beat from the band pounded into her brain the idea that he was "the one," and as much as she felt ready to embrace that idea, she wished she could distance herself a little bit to gain some perspective. Was this really how she felt? Or was it just the McDreaminess of the best not-date she had ever been on?

She couldn't think about it anymore. It was making her head hurt, and she wanted to savor these final moments of the concert since she had no idea what the following hours would bring.

_It's not a silly little moment…_

_It's not the storm before the calm…_

_This is the deep and dying breath of…_

_This love that we've been workin' on…_

Derek's arms wrapped themselves ever more tightly around Meredith, practically squeezing the air out of her in a hug from behind.

_Can't seem to hold you like I want to…_

_So I can feel you in my arms…_

_Nobody's gonna come and save you…_

_We pulled too many false alarms…_

_We're goin' down…_

_And you can see it too…_

_We're goin' down…_

_And you know that we're doomed…_

Meredith's whole body tensed as she slowly digested the lyrics to the song. Her proximity to the stage made her feel like the song was being sung directly to her, and she started to feel herself suffocating under the weight of Derek's embrace.

"I love you…" Derek whispered directly into her ear, seeming to read her mind. His breath was moist and heavy – a striking contrast to the chilly Washington night air that surrounded them.

Meredith simply nodded, unable to find any other response amidst the swell of emotion she felt stirring from the song.

Derek winced a little, detecting how much Meredith's body language was shifting away from the flirty, affectionate girl she had been only moments before. Was their relationship really so fragile that a single song could unravel them?

The doubts that Derek had expressed to Mark nights before started to resurface in an ugly way that made him feel conflicted by guilt and anger. What once laid dormant now bubbled steadily into something volatile. Derek worried that the longer he went without talking to Meredith, the more likely he was to erupt.

"This _isn't_ our song, Meredith. I can tell exactly what you're thinking, and this song _isn't_ about _us_," Derek asserted. Any self-doubt that he felt was masked by the force of his voice.

Meredith broke free from Derek's arms and positioned her body next to him so she could see his face. His jaw was clenched slightly and his eyes were wild.

"I don't know, Derek…What _is_ our song? What if we _are_ doomed and we're just kidding ourselves?" Meredith replied, feeling a bit more frantic herself.

_I'll make the most of all this sadness…_

"You can't actually believe that, Meredith," Derek sighed, exasperated. "Why won't you give us a chance?"

_You'll be a bitch because you can…_

_You try to hit me just to hurt me…_

"Because eventually you'll realize that I…I can't get this right…I try and try, Derek, and you just won't let me!" Meredith sobbed, no longer having any control over the words exiting her mouth.

_So you leave me feeling dirty…_

Derek flinched, feeling unsettled by her tirade.

"What do I need to do to prove to you that I'm in this, Mere? Is there anything I can even do? Or have you just given up completely?"

_Because you can't understand…_

Meredith slouched down into her seat and sobbed into her hands while Derek loomed over her waiting for some sort of response. His whole posture was rigid and his arms were crossed defensively over his chest, hugging himself rather than hugging her. He felt disgusted by the entire situation and was starting to regret even having made the effort to restore their relationship. Maybe it truly was futile.

The two endured the remaining songs in what little silence was possible in a crowd of that size attending a rock concert. Meredith tried to will the amphitheater to swallow her up or for a teleportation device to magically transport her back to the home that now seemed light years away. Derek refused to even look at her, instead finding comfort in the intense concentration of the musicians on stage as they expertly played their instruments.

Even when the cheers following the final song dissipated and the artificial lights illuminated routes to the exits, Meredith and Derek remained transfixed like statues, dreading the drive ahead of them. The mass of people in their row made their way around them, far too drunk or anxious to beat the rush of vehicles in the parking lot to notice the spectacle of a couple that had moved from deeply entangled to completely estranged in the span of minutes.

When the crowd had finally dispersed so that only a few people – cleaning crews, mostly – lingered in the entire seating area, Meredith finally looked up at Derek.

"You're the reason I didn't give up, and I don't know what you want from me. I've tried, Derek, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do…"

Derek let his eyes settle on the puffy redness of Meredith's tear soaked face.

"How can you say that you didn't give up?" he asked, trembling slightly from the adrenaline racing through his veins. "Repeatedly, Meredith. Not once or twice, but repeatedly you have given up and left me to handle the wreckage…after the wedding, after Susan died, after your mother died, after you…" _died._

He didn't need to say the final word of his sentence. She knew exactly where his thoughts were leading.

"Don't do this…Derek, please…" Meredith sobbed, desperate to avoid the confrontation.

"What? Are you giving up on this conversation, too? Don't you think I'm a little bit entitled to _something_ from you?"

Derek's eyes were fiery with his fury, and the look he gave Meredith sent chills down her spine. It was a look she suspected had been reserved for Addison and Mark until this moment, but something told Meredith that this was so much worse, and that terrified her.

Meredith thought for a few seconds, realizing that this would be the epic moment when everything would be forced out of her one way or another. If Derek wanted to have this confrontation, then fine – she would have it.

She took a deep breath, collecting herself, and then began quietly at first before building up to an intensity that surpassed Derek's.

"You…don't…_get_ to accuse me of giving up like it's something that _I've_ done to _you_. I'm sorry that you had to spend a few hours of your life thinking that you might have to live your life without me, Derek. I really am. But I had months of that. Months. When you chose Addison, I felt like the you that I knew had died, and all I could do was wait." Meredith's nostrils flared with anger, and her tiny, ineffectual fists were balled up beside her.

"Don't you dare analogize my marriage to your drowning!" Derek bellowed. "Those situations are absolutely nothing alike."

"Are you _serious_? If Addison had never set foot in my life – in _our life together_ – then all of my fears and commitment issues would have faded away long ago. I thought you were different. You were the first man that I thought I could spend the rest of my life with and you _lied_ to me. You lied and then you left me to pick up all the pieces of my life that you shattered. So don't act so surprised when I'm scared to think you're the love of my life because I'm worried I'll be blindsided again."

Meredith's whole body trembled with emotion. Up until now, she hadn't truly realized how raw her wounds still were from their first break-up.

Derek hadn't realized it either. He thought that he had miraculously managed to restore their relationship – that all of Meredith's commitment fears were a manifestation of her daddy problems. But now he was becoming painfully aware that he may have played a bigger role than even Thatcher in breaking Meredith Grey.

"Meredith…" Derek started, uncharacteristically unsure of himself. "I've never denied that trying to make things work with Addison was a mistake. We were living on life support with no real chance of recovery. I know that now. But when I chose to divorce Addison, it wasn't just a decision to let her go. I was deciding that I wanted to spend my life with you."

"But you didn't decide that. You shut me out of your life for a while before you let me back in so you could mourn the loss of your marriage or something. So I waited. I waited like I always do until you're ready for me. I tried to make us work. I tried to fix all of those problems that needed to be fixed. But then you tell me you're not sure you want to breathe for me anymore. Like I'm too damaged for you…" Meredith grimaced at the memory of Derek lying in bed, admitting his feelings to her.

_I don't know if I can…I don't know if I want to keep trying to breathe for you._

It was one of the few times she had pushed him to open up to her, and it had completely backfired.

"That's not what I meant, Mere…" Derek interjected.

Meredith continued without giving Derek a chance to complete his thoughts.

"I have been breathing on my own… handling Susan's death… and Thatcher… and exams… and Cristina's wedding _without_ burdening you. And when I was actually breathing on my own, you felt left out. You constantly tell me how much I need to figure things out, but _you're_ the one who can't seem to make up your mind. You're the one who ignores my calls and tells me you met a girl and shuts me out when something is really bothering you. In fact, you've never once talked to me directly about my accident even. You just pretend it doesn't bother you when I know that it does. So now _you're_ the one who can't decide whether or not you trust me or whether or not I'm worth it to you. You act like this mess is all my fault, Derek, but you've made it, too. I may be giving up, but only because I'm sick of your double standards!"

Meredith grabbed her purse and the tee shirt she had purchased for Izzie earlier in the evening and started storming toward the exit. She wasn't certain if Derek would follow immediately, but she needed to move…to flee…to be somewhere and take a break…and she knew that she didn't want to be there to witness Derek's reaction once he internalized her response.

She would go back to his car and wait. He'd have some time to cool off a little before eventually meeting her there, and she'd have a little space to catch her breath.

She picked up her pace a little at finally knowing what her destination would be.

Derek stood stunned.

Really. Truly. Stunned.

Had she honestly thought that he hadn't wanted to be involved with her problems? Is that the reason she started shutting him out – because he said he didn't know if he wanted to keep breathing for her?

His heart began racing, syncing double time with Meredith's footsteps speeding away from him. He couldn't let her run away thinking that. He needed to go after her and clear this up.

"Meredith, wait!" he insisted, taking the steps of the amphitheater two at a time to try to catch up.

She continued racing ahead without turning back.

"Meredith, please. Let me talk to you…please…" he begged, his voice straining a little from his exertion in trying to catch her.

Eventually he managed to grab her arm and spin her around like a top, forcing her to look at him.

"Meredith, I…You…It's just that..." he sighed, collecting his thoughts. "I want a second chance with you. I never meant to shut you out because I hate when you do that to me. You are the queen of _pretending_ that you're fine, and I can't stand when you won't let me breathe _with_ you. I want to be the one that rescues you when you feel like the water is too deep or too cold for you to handle on your own, but you have to let me be there with you rather than struggling entirely on your own. I know that's hard for you because you've never had anyone before, but you can trust me, Mere, because I'm in this now. I couldn't possibly be any _more_ in this. And I won't leave unless you make me."

Meredith's eyes were wide and teary as she studied him. She fidgeted with the tee shirt in her hand, worrying it through her fingers.

"Mere, do you want me to leave?" Derek asked, scared of what she would say in response. "Is that what you want? Just say it…something…say something…"

"You won't leave me?" she finally whispered.

"Oh, Mere…I will _never_ leave. I promise. Everything I want for the rest of my life centers around sharing your atmosphere." Derek sighed, his own eyes feeling a little watery with exhaustion and relief that they were finally making progress.

"Are you _sure_ I'm what you want? Because I don't think I can handle losing you again, and if you're not sure, please, please just end this now. Don't make me be like Cris…" Meredith's voice cut out as she recalled the encounter between Cristina and Burke only days earlier.

Derek shook his head in amazement.

"You are not Cristina, and I am not Preston Burke. When I ask you to marry me, I will follow through on every single promise I make to you. I promise I will _never_ leave you again," Derek insisted.

"_When_ you ask me to marry you? Don't you mean _if_?" Meredith asked cautiously.

Derek paused for a moment. He hadn't even realized that he said _when_, although he knew that he meant it.

He decided he would be completely honest with Meredith, even if it ran the risk of scaring her.

"No. I meant what I said. As long as you're willing to work through our relationship, then I will ask you to marry me at some point. So you should do whatever you need to do to prepare yourself for that because I don't handle rejection well either," Derek said confidently.

Meredith blushed a little with nervous excitement. Maybe Derek really was her knight-in-shining-whatever.

Still, his perfect comments were not something she could coherently respond to. They didn't fully register with her limited understanding of grownup relationships. But even then, she thought this was something big. Giant even. And important to both of them.

"I…you said…and I…wow…" Meredith felt particularly flustered by the moment, leaving her rambling unusually incoherent.

Derek gently lifted a finger to Meredith's lips, stopping their prattle.

"I only want to be with you and to make you happy. Whatever issues you face…I'm here. I want to be included in everything you're feeling."

"Okay," Meredith agreed, a relieved smile spreading across her face. "Right now I'm feeling like I could really go for a kiss from you and the leftover pizza in the car. I'm starving."

Derek laughed in amusement.

"I think I can accommodate both requests," he replied, leaning in to kiss her fully on the lips. Relief washed over him in tsunami-like waves as he realized that they were finally back together, and unlike the previous stage of their relationship, there didn't seem to be anything temporary about it.


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note: Thanks for being so patient in waiting for MerDer to reconcile. Now I finally have a chance to show why this story is rated M :-)**

* * *

"Mere, we're back in Seattle," Derek said softly, still undecided whether or not he wanted to wake her up or let her sleep the final few miles of their journey. Although Meredith had done her best to stay awake and keep him company on their late night drive, she ultimately lost her battle with drowsiness during the last hour of the trip. At one point, Derek had asked her a question only to hear her respond with a snore that started out quietly but eventually grew to a roar, contrasting sharply with the quiet of the vehicle. 

Derek smiled in amusement, finding the sounds more adorable than irritating at the moment. He knew that he probably wouldn't still feel that way a few days or weeks from now, but he wanted to savor the sounds while he was still in the mindset to do so.

"Huh?" Meredith replied blearily. She raised her fists to her eyes, rubbing them softly before allowing her eyes to adjust to the city lights. Driving through the less populated parts of Washington, Meredith had barely been able to see Derek. Now enough light from street lamps filled the car to read his features.

He was smiling.

"Hey there," Derek said, glancing over in her direction.

"Hey…" Meredith returned, trying to stretch a little. She hated sleeping on car rides because she always found herself waking up with a crick in her neck. She reached her right hand up to her neck to massage a particularly tense spot. "Are you doing okay?" she asked, feeling slightly guilty that she had abandoned her duties of keeping him awake. She rolled her head from side to side, feeling the muscles stretch.

"I'm fine. A little tired, but good. We'll be home in ten minutes or so," Derek answered.

Meredith knew that he had to be exhausted. Aside from the emotional exhaustion of the evening, they had both worked the early half of the day, and it was almost three in the morning.

"Home sounds nice," Meredith sighed. She unbuckled her seatbelt so she could lean across the console and nuzzle Derek's neck. She gently rested her hand on his thigh, slowly inching it closer to his groin.

Derek gasped loudly at the unexpected gesture. His body tensed a little as he tried to keep his focus on the road despite her distraction.

He was grateful that the roads were very empty this time of night.

Meredith continued to fondle and tease long enough to feel him harden inside his jeans. She then eased back into her seat with a smug grin on her face and refastened her seat belt.

Derek unwittingly pressed further down on the gas, accelerating slightly.

"You will definitely pay for that when we get home," he moaned, frustrated. He lifted his body a little off his seat to try to discover a more comfortable position for the remaining minutes of their drive, but nothing managed to abate his aching need for her.

"That's what I'm hoping," Meredith teased. She pulled her hair back behind her head, twisting the tendrils up into a French twist that exposed the length of her neck as she tried to cool herself off a little. It had been nearly a month since the last time she had sex with Derek, and the realization that her period of abstention would be ending soon sent hot flashes throughout her body.

Derek eyed her hungrily, barely noticing the changing stoplight ahead of him. He slammed on the brakes at the last second, sending Meredith flying forward. She let go of her hair and shot her arms out in front of her, bracing herself against the dashboard as he stopped short.

"Sorry about that," Derek muttered sheepishly. "I didn't see the light change…" An embarrassed grin covered his face.

"Um…yeah, I noticed," Meredith replied, leaning back in her seat and readjusting her seatbelt that had locked with tension. She chuckled a little at his desperate need for her. She was glad to know it was reciprocal.

Impatience made the last couple of miles tick away slowly despite Derek's racecar-like driving. When he finally turned onto Meredith's street, he found himself unbuckling his seatbelt in advance of even pulling into her driveway as he prepared to exit the car as quickly as possible. Meredith followed suit, going so far as to open her car door before he had even come to a complete stop. She jumped out and ran toward the front steps, giggling as he chased her.

The house was completely dark but for the porch light that Izzie had left on for Meredith. Despite the glow of the light, Meredith struggled to find her keys and work them into the lock, especially once Derek caught up to her. He practically tackled her as he came up from behind, wrapping both arms around her and kissing her neck feverishly. When she finally managed to get the front door to open, she nearly tumbled over from the force of his weight. Fortunately he caught her before she fell too far, and he stumbled through the doorway holding her, drunk with lust.

Meredith threw her keys and purse down by the door, not caring where they landed. She briskly turned to face him, closing the door in the process.

He continued to kiss her ears and neck, frantically pushing her toward the stairs.

"Derek, wait…" Meredith whispered.

"I can't," he growled, working his fingers underneath her tee shirt as he continued his forward press toward her bedroom.

"We…can't…go…upstairs…" Meredith gasped, barely coherent as he worked her body into a frenzied state of arousal. "Cristina's in my room," she somehow managed to finish.

Derek groaned, pulling away from her in frustration.

"So what do you want to do?" he asked, his eyes dark and brooding.

"I'm sure we can be creative," Meredith answered, leaning back in to kiss him. She worked her fingers at the button on his jeans while steering him through the dark house toward the kitchen.

He followed eagerly, briskly lifting her shirt up over her head to reveal a sexy black bra underneath. The feel of his own clothing being tugged away from his body proved only a momentary distraction from her two supple breasts heaving in a quick, steady rhythm in front of him. He placed his hands on her hips and lifted her easily onto the kitchen counter, placing her chest at perfect eye level.

"Oh…I've missed you…" Meredith sighed as he unfastened her bra. She leaned down and peeled his gray tee shirt off his body. Even in the faint street light pouring in through the windows, Meredith could see that his body was glistening with sweat.

"How much?" Derek whispered playfully as he slipped the lacy piece of lingerie off of her body and cupped each breast in his strong hands, pushing them up towards his mouth.

"So…much…" Meredith sighed breathily. The feel of his tongue circling each nipple caused her to arch her back, pushing her chest even closer to him. He continued teasing one breast with his tongue and teeth while kneading the other between his forefinger and thumb. Within seconds each nipple was fully erect, and waves of pleasure rippled through her body. She wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him closer to her, hoping to feel him even more.

"Me…too…" he sighed, slowly moving his mouth down towards her stomach without loosening his grip on her breasts.

She tangled her fingers through his thick, black hair, delighting in how soft it felt as she gently pushed his head lower.

Seeming to understand her need, he slid his hands down to her waist, aggressively undoing her pants and pulling her jeans and panties off in one swift, fluid motion that left her completely naked on the kitchen counter.

The contrast of the cold kitchen counter against the warmth of Meredith's skin caused her to jump a little.

He looked back up at her, gazing wildly into her eyes while pulling her forward to the edge of the counter. Rather than grinding against her as she expected, however, he slid his hands down to her inner thighs and pushed them apart, rolling her onto her back so that her knees were close to her shoulders.

The counter wasn't wide enough for her to lie down completely, but Meredith didn't protest being pinned in the position as Derek lowered his head to the place were her legs met the rest of her body. She rested her head against the wall and moaned loudly as she felt his tongue lightly graze her already swollen clit, adding to her wetness.

He worked her expertly with his tongue, licking the slick folds of skin with long strokes that came just close enough to her most sensitive spots to make her whine without actually satiating her needs. She started bucking her hips at him, hoping that she could force him into letting her climax, but he pulled away, leaving her in a pouty pile of desire.

"There will be none of that," he teased before slipping a finger inside of her.

She gasped at his unexpected movement, her eyes wide with longing as he began sliding the finger in and out of her rhythmically while rubbing her clit with his thumb.

She met his rhythm with her hips, rocking back and forth on the edge of the countertop.

He moved his free hand back up to tease her nipples, causing her to moan even more before he slipped a second finger inside of her. He could feel her muscles contracting around him, and he throbbed with arousal as he anticipated penetrating her tight, wet space.

"Oh god, Derek, you're going to make me…" Meredith panted loudly.

"Shhh…you'll wake your roommates," Derek replied, moving his hand up from her breasts to her head to pull her towards him. He filled her mouth with his tongue, silencing her. His lips tasted slightly salty from an intoxicating elixir of lust, sweat, and the places he had explored on her own body, and the combination made her grind her hips even more wildly into his hand. She tried to reach down to stroke him as well, but she couldn't get her hands to touch any lower than the waistband of his tightly bulging boxers.

Meredith's whole body tensed slightly, a familiar precursor to impending release, and Derek withdrew from her completely, not yet ready to let her orgasm. He knew that her orgasm would be especially powerful after their weeks apart, and he wanted to feel her body fully enveloping his own when it happened.

Meredith pouted audibly with frustration.

"Not yet," Derek growled before lifting her off the counter and moving her to the kitchen table. The counter had been a little too tall for him to reach without standing on his toes, but the table seemed to be the perfect height for him to pound into her with abandon. He quickly positioned her before sliding off his boxers, leaving his shaft fully exposed.

Meredith sat up on the table and reached for him with both hands, using one hand to slide over the tip of his cock before pulling it in long, firm strokes. The other hand slid underneath him, tugging at him gently in a matching rhythm. The feel of her hands on him made him emit a low, throaty gasp.

"Do you like this?" she teased back, already knowing the answer.

"Mmmm…" was the only sound that could escape his lips. He was unable to form complete syllables much less words.

"Would you like to be inside of me?" Meredith asked, leading the head of his shaft up towards her, allowing it to feel her wet warmth as it circled the outside of her.

"Please, Mere," he begged. He had never ached so badly for anyone.

"Okay," she replied, letting his tip settle at her entrance. She positioned herself to take him fully, and rather than piling into her quickly as his body urged, Derek slowly entered her in gradually lengthening strokes. Each push probed a little more deeply to fill her as their bodies reacclimated themselves to each other.

"Ohhh…" Meredith sighed, feeling his pace begin to climb as she finally relaxed around his girth. "This feels… so… good," she panted, leaning back onto the wooden table to give him full view of her naked body.

The only cushioning she felt was a couple of placemats underneath her, but she didn't mind. She didn't even notice the empty glass at her side, and she unwittingly knocked it to its side as she stretched out on the table.

The force of motion between their bodies shook the table, causing the glass to roll to the edge before tumbling down to the floor and shattering loudly.

"Fuck…" Meredith muttered, unsure whether she intended it to be a reaction or a command.

The rhythm of their bodies slowed a little as they heard movement upstairs. A door opened and footsteps made their way toward the top of the stairwell.

"Hello?" Izzie's voice called groggily.

Meredith and Derek froze in place, preparing for the possibility of being caught.

"Uh…it's just me, Izzie. I knocked over a glass, but I've got it…" Meredith called, hoping that the glass shattering was the only noise Izzie had heard. "You can go back to sleep," she urged.

"Oh, okay," Izzie replied. She was clearly tired and probably had just risen from a very deep sleep. It seemed unlikely that she had heard anything else.

As soon as they heard Izzie's door close, they both resumed their motions at a more frenzied pace. Derek had stayed inside Meredith the whole time, and he desperately wanted to finish before they had any more close calls.

"I hate your roommates," he grumbled into her ear in frustration as he tried to regain his rhythm.

"I know," she replied, syncing her own movements with his.

Within moments the shattered glass was a distant memory as they both relished each other's bodies. Derek pushed into her with wild, heaving thrusts that caused him to grunt with animalistic fury. Meredith tightened around him, pleading with him to move harder and deeper, and the sensation of her grip around the length of him pushed him to the brink.

He stood hovering over her, pinning her hands back behind her head as he drove into her, a month's worth of frustration finding release inside her.

"Don't…stop…" Meredith begged, feeling herself being carried closer and closer to climax. She bit her lip in an effort to stifle the screams she wanted to let escape in her ecstasy.

"Ohhhh…" Derek groaned, quickly pushing his mouth against hers as he felt himself begin to pulsate inside of her.

The combination of Derek's tongue filling her mouth and his penis throbbing inside her pushed Meredith over the edge. She twitched and thrust against him uncontrollably until the waves of orgasm dissipated, leaving her completely sated.

Derek let his feet remain firmly on the floor as he laid his torso against Meredith's, completely exhausted. The heat of her body against his was almost too much for him, but he wasn't quite ready to pull out of her.

The two held each other in silence for a few minutes as they attempted to regain their breath.

"While I wouldn't advocate us going that long without sex in the future, that…was…amazing…" Meredith purred.

"Agreed," Derek said, kissing her softly before standing back up and pulling out of her.

She sighed longingly as she felt him vacate her body.

"Don't worry…you won't have to wait that long," Derek teased as he pulled her up off the table. Her legs felt weak and wobbly as she tried standing next to him. She kissed him again before starting to slide her feet along the floor in search of various pieces of clothing.

"Be careful. You don't want to step on the glass," Derek cautioned protectively as he walked over to the light switch and flipped it on. The room flooded with light, and both stood squinting momentarily as they allowed their eyes to adjust.

"Thanks. I almost forgot," Meredith responded, locating her tee shirt on the floor near the sink. She slipped it on before sliding back into her panties. Derek did the same as he located his boxers and tee shirt.

"Is the broom still in the laundry room?" he asked.

"Um, yeah. I think so," Meredith replied.

Derek set off to find the broom and dustpan while Meredith grabbed the remaining articles of clothing that had been shed from their bodies. She couldn't believe that they were back together again, and she wished that she could think of a reasonable way to boot Cristina out of her bedroom so she could curl up with Derek for the few remaining hours of the night.

When Derek returned, he carefully cleaned up the stray pieces of shattered glass. He did a much better job with it than Meredith would have done, and she enjoyed watching this protective gesture.

"You must be exhausted," Meredith stated as Derek poured the remaining shards of glass into the garbage bag. She certainly felt wiped out from the evening.

"Yeah, I am a little tired," Derek replied thoughtfully as he set the broom and dustpan into the corner of the room.

"Well, I guess we can sleep on the couch tonight," Meredith suggested, trying to think of a way to keep him with her for a few more hours.

Cristina's apartment search was feeling infinitely more urgent with each passing second.

"Both of us?" Derek asked. While he had no problem curling up with her, he knew that the couch was way too small to get any quality sleep on, particularly if they slept on it together.

"If you want," Meredith responded, trying to make him think it was more his idea than hers.

"While I really want to sleep with you tonight, Mere, you should go sleep in your bed. I'll just crash on the couch for a couple hours and then head back to the trailer first thing in the morning."

"Are you sure?" Meredith asked, sad that she would be saying goodnight to him soon but recognizing that his suggestion was reasonable.

"Yeah, it will be fine. I'll call you later in the day and maybe we can make some better plans for tomorrow night," he said, smiling suggestively.

"Okay," she conceded.

She went and grabbed a couple of pillows and a blanket from a closet while Derek went to the living room couch.

By the time she returned, he was already asleep.

Meredith lovingly tucked one of the softer pillows under his head before covering him with the blanket. She stood looking down at him for a moment, watching his chest rise and fall with his deep, quiet breaths.

"You're the love of my life, too," she whispered confidently, knowing he was too far asleep to ever hear her.

She leaned down and cautiously grazed his lips with her own as she tried carefully not to wake him up. She then tiptoed through the house to turn out the lights before making her way upstairs, a huge grin plastered across her face.


	14. Chapter 14

"Did he wear you out or something, Mere? C'mon! Get up! It's after ten…" Cristina urged her friend while pulling open the curtains.

Sunlight flooded the bedroom, highlighting the flecks of dust that sprang from the quick movement of the curtains. Meredith scurried under her mass of blankets and pillows to retreat back into darkness like a mouse that had been unexpectedly cornered.

"Sleep…few…more…minutes…" Meredith whined, hoping for more time to lie in that state between dreaming and being awake. Her ability to linger in bed in the morning was often limited as an intern-turned-resident, and she tried do so whenever possible. She always loved this time of day, despite the typical interruptions of intermittently piercing alarms set to snooze or the occasional outbursts by Cristina demanding that she wake up. It was the best time of day to linger in dreams before the harsh realities of everyday life interfered.

"No more sleep – apartment hunting awaits. And if I have to spend one more minute downstairs watching Izzie Homemaker disinfect the kitchen while I wait for you to get up, I'm going to lose my mind. You'd think after working in a hospital she'd understand that we don't like those chemical smells to follow us home," Cristina replied.

Meredith bolted straight up to look at her friend, her heart pounding from a sudden infusion of adrenaline.

"Izzie's disinfecting the kitchen?" Meredith asked, eyes wide as she racked her brain for what possible evidence she and Derek could have left from their tryst.

"Yeah, something about wanting to make cookies and not knowing when the counters were cleaned last," Cristina stated casually, studying Meredith's reaction before dismissing it to search through a pile of clothes for her missing brown tennis shoe.

"Oh," Meredith sighed, relieved. Her heart started to settle back into a safe rhythm.

"Don't worry. I didn't tell her that you and McDreamy did the McNasty in her precious workspace last night." Cristina smiled teasingly, enjoying the view of Meredith's skin turning a bright crimson color.

"Oh god, you heard us?" Meredith asked.

"Um…Yeah, Mere…It's a miracle the whole block didn't hear you two going at it. Was it good? It sounded like it was good…" Cristina sat back on the bed next to Meredith, hopeful for details.

Meredith continued to blush, refusing to make eye contact with Cristina's eager gaze.

"Come on. I need to live vicariously through you for a while," Cristina pouted, playfully hitting Meredith with a pillow. In the past, the girls had a secret pact not to share details about their sex lives out of fear that their boyfriend's fragile egos could somehow get bruised. But now that Burke was out of the picture, Cristina was hopeful that the agreement would no longer be enforced.

"Fine," Meredith finally agreed. "It was absolutely, unbelievably amazing, but I will not give any other details."

She leaned back onto her pillows, smiling broadly at the memory.

"No need. I heard enough last night to get a pretty good idea of what was happening," Cristina teased. "Does this mean that the two of you are back together?"

"Yeah, I think so," Meredith nodded.

"You _think_ so?" Cristina asked, raising her eyebrows almost condescendingly.

"I mean, I know so. We talked and worked some things out last night…"

"Sounded like it…" Cristina interrupted snarkily.

"…and we're really going to try to make things work," Meredith finished, satisfied with the outcome.

She lifted her arms out in front of her and stretched them back up over her head. The added movement of stretching her legs and pointing her toes toward the bedroom door made her feel like a lanky giant amidst a sea of blankets.

"I knew you two couldn't stay broken up for long," Cristina stated matter-of-factly. "You two are like rabbits. You couldn't go that long without sex."

"Cris! Do you really think that's all that we do?" Meredith asked, a little disturbed.

"It's okay, Mere. It's your thing," Cristina replied. She had given up on looking for her shoe in the clothing pile and was now digging around under the bed. She swore her shoes somehow walked away on their own.

Meredith wrinkled her brow defensively. She hated that her friend perceived their relationship that way, but she didn't feel up for arguing with her about it. She knew that Cristina had never been terribly supportive of Derek, and now probably wasn't the time that that would change.

"So, are you going to get up so we can do this or what?" Cristina asked, changing the subject as she triumphantly yanked a shoe from the depths of the bed's shadowy underbelly.

"Yeah," Meredith groaned at the prospect of getting out of bed. "Just let me shower real quick and I'll meet you downstairs."

"Fine," Cristina responded, standing up. She kicked random articles of her clothing back into a large pile in the corner of the room before heading back downstairs.

Meredith looked in amazement at the transformation her room seemed to undergo virtually overnight. She hadn't really noticed it before, but Cristina's belongings were strewn everywhere – on the floor, on dressers, in the closet – she even had scrubs stuffed inside her pillow case and a turquoise bra hanging from the corner floor lamp. While Meredith didn't really consider herself a neat freak, she was appalled that her friend had colonized her room so quickly and completely.

Meredith sighed with exasperation and forced her body toward the bathroom shower, hoping to renew her patience in the spray of water. The quest to find Cristina her own apartment could not start fast enough.

* * *

Meredith stopped by the living room on her way to the kitchen, partially hoping that Derek would still be asleep on the couch, miraculously unnoticed by her roommates. 

As expected, he was gone. The leather couch had shifted back into its normally worn shape, long forgetting the outline of Derek's body pressed against it.

She sighed a little with disappointment before following the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies to the kitchen.

"Good morning," Izzie beamed brightly, holding a spatula in one hand and a cookie sheet in the other. "Did you get enough sleep last night?"

Cristina snickered a little as she flipped through a magazine at the kitchen table.

"I slept well, just not long enough. Coffee?" Meredith asked casually, scanning the room once more for evidence of her indiscretions with Derek.

Nothing seemed out of place.

"Yeah, I just made a fresh pot," Izzie replied.

Meredith grabbed a mug and poured herself the dark hazelnut roast, savoring the aroma and taste as it slid down her throat. Even after her steamy shower she still felt a little tired and achy from the night before, and she hoped the caffeine would soon reenergize her.

"Thanks for the tee shirt, too. I love it," Izzie smiled, nodding toward the table.

In the rush to get out of the car, Meredith had completely forgotten to bring in the shirt last night. Derek must have gotten it out of his car before he left and neatly folded it on the table.

She smiled at his thoughtfulness.

"Did you have a good time?" Izzie asked.

"Of course she did. Can't you tell?" Cristina piped up, not lifting her eyes from the glossy pages.

"Yeah, the concert was great. I had forgotten how nice that area of Washington is," Meredith replied, ignoring Cristina.

"Did Derek like it?" Izzie continued, spooning out another batch of cookies onto her cookie sheet. The dough quickly spread against the residual heat of the already used sheet.

"He did. We're thinking about going camping there sometime, he liked it so much," Meredith affirmed, rolling her nearly empty mug between the palms of her hands as she soaked in its remaining warmth.

"I bet that would be really nice," Izzie smiled, supportively. "I take it things are better between you?"

"God, Izz, do you even need to ask?" Cristina said, putting her magazine down. "Even as she fights being awake she's practically glowing with giddiness. It's sick!"

Meredith blushed a little. She had to admit she did feel a little giddy. But she thought she had been doing a good job covering it up. Was the contrast between normal dark and twisty Meredith and today's bright and shiny version really that dramatic?

"I'm not glowing," Meredith mumbled, trying to hold back the smile that was creeping across her face.

"Yeah. Okay, whatever," Cristina said dismissively.

"Mere, it's fine. Glowing is good. You should be happy. You've got your McDreamy and even though you have problems you still are together. I'm happy for you. Slightly jealous of your ability to make things work, but happy for you," Izzie encouraged as a spoonful of cookie dough hit the cookie sheet particularly forcefully. It was as if she was lobbing it at the tray rather than delicately placing it there.

Meredith detected a bitter tension in Izzie's voice but decided not to follow up on it just yet. She didn't want anything to ruin her good mood.

"So, do you know where you want to go look, Cris?" Meredith asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah, I've got some info on a few places. Are you ready to go?" Cristina replied, standing up from the kitchen table. She left her magazine wide open on the burgundy placemat as she moved away, clearly not intending to restore the table to its previously well-laid out state. The wooden chair that she had been sitting in made a particularly loud protest as she pushed it across the hardwood floor back toward the table.

Meredith nodded and relished the last remaining droplets of coffee in her cup before placing it in the dishwasher and heading toward the front door. She hoped that this process would go quickly so she could spend the rest of her day off with Derek, but something told her that nothing with Cristina was ever super easy.

* * *

"How can you not like this place, Cris? It's perfect! You could walk to work…and to Joe's…and you can see both the city and the mountains…" Meredith argued, the mix of exasperation and disbelief palpable in her voice. 

The women had been looking at apartments for five hours and nothing seemed to meet Cristina's expectations.

"Too many windows," Cristina dismissed, wrinkling her nose slightly. "I'll be living in a fish bowl."

"I mean, check out these hardwood floors," Meredith continued, hoping to persuade her friend.

"They're loud and collect a lot of dust," Cristina replied.

"Seriously? The last place you hated because it had carpeting which you said would be too dirty!"

"It was cream colored carpet, Mere. There's a difference," Cristina replied.

Meredith lifted her fingers to her temples to rub circles around them. The love hangover that had put her on cloud nine was now replaced by a thundercloud clapping repeatedly in her head.

"So what are you going to do?" Meredith countered.

"I don't know. Keep looking I guess," Cristina shrugged.

"For what?" Meredith sighed. "What would possibly meet your standards? We've seen dozens of apartments today. Dozens. Big ones. Small ones. Studios. One bedrooms. Two bedrooms. Lofts. Basements. Some with carpeting. Some without. And you haven't liked a _single_ one that we've looked at! And I want my room back! I want a place where I can sleep with my boyfriend and have hot sex without bruising my tailbone because we're forced to do it on a slab of wood on legs instead of on my king-sized mattress!"

Meredith stomped over to the large corner window of the apartment, breathing in the view of the mountains in the distance as she tried to calm down a little.

"You bruised your tailbone?" Cristina asked, a little shocked.

"Maybe. I think so…" Meredith huffed. She reached her arm around to her lower back, confirming that it was still tender from being thrust repeatedly against a table.

"Fine. I'll move out. Don't worry about me. I'll figure something out," Cristina reacted a little too casually.

Meredith inhaled deeply, feeling the oxygen reach the bottom-most spaces of her cavernous lungs. She closed her eyes and tapped her fingers against the windowsill, rolling the tips from left to right like she was rapidly working the keys on a piano as she thought.

"Stay. You don't have another place to go to and I'm your person. I can just go to Derek's," Meredith replied calmly.

Something about the apartment's view, a blend of urban and natural environments, made Meredith feel much less combative than usual. The place reminded her a little of Derek's trailer without the obvious disadvantages of being confined to a tin can surrounded by mud and raccoons. "But if you make me go with you to another apartment today, so help me god, I will lose my mind," she said, raising her voice and turning toward her friend.

"I get it. I'll take it from here," Cristina nodded, acknowledging how much she had already abused Meredith's time.

Meredith looked around the apartment one last time, hoping she could find some selling point to pitch. She saw several, but none that she thought would resonate with Cristina.

"Are you sure you don't like this place?" Meredith asked, hopeful.

"Definitely not…it's a little to Zen for me, and I don't meditate," Cristina responded sarcastically as she retreated to the front door. "But I promise that if I don't find a place of my own in a week or so, I'll consider it," she added, hoping to appease Meredith. After losing Burke so suddenly, she didn't want to risk sacrificing another important relationship because she was too noncommittal.

Meredith pulled out her cell phone to quickly text Derek that she'd be at his place soon, and followed Cristina out the door. She couldn't help but feel a little sad that her Saturday off had succumbed to a fruitless search for something her best friend didn't know how to find.


	15. Chapter 15

The flame on the candle flickered blue briefly before settling into a warm yellow glow. Derek moved quickly to light the next tea light on the table, and then blew out the match. The scent of the sulfur from the match temporarily overwhelmed the aroma of the chicken marsala cooking inside, but he didn't mind. He liked the smell of matches. They reminded him of cookouts and camping and the many other outdoor activities that he loved. And now they reminded him of Meredith and candlelight dinners and bubble baths and the possibility of all the other things they could do in candlelight.

He expected her to arrive in any minute, and he surveyed the trailer looking for any last minute adjustments that needed to be made in anticipation of her homecoming. He had slept most of the day after returning to the trailer, and it had been a good sleep – a relaxed sleep that replenished all of the energy that seemed to evaporate in the previous weeks. He felt like his life was getting back on track, and that motivated him to spend his remaining day off doing all things domestic. He thoroughly cleaned the trailer, inside and out. He then went grocery shopping after realizing that Meredith probably wouldn't want Muesli and scotch for dinner, or breakfast, for that matter. He tried to remember all of her favorite foods and bought nearly a month's worth of groceries in the process. He also stopped off at a flower market for a bouquet of rich red roses mixed with white calla lilies. It was the first time that he had actually bought her flowers, and he hoped she would like them. He certainly enjoyed trying to spoil her, and today he would spare no expense.

Satisfied with his table-setting skills on the back porch, Derek returned to the kitchen to check on his simmering culinary masterpiece. It had been years since he'd really had a reason to go all out with cooking, but his time spent as an apprentice chef to his mother came back to him quickly as he floured the chicken tenders and sautéed them in butter and marsala wine. He knew Meredith would be surprised to learn that he knew how to cook more than oatmeal and trout.

The sound of Meredith's SUV tires rolling over gravel interrupted Derek's thoughts. He turned the stove settings down to low, and walked outside to meet her.

He watched as Meredith smiled at him from within her vehicle, and it made his heart race a little. He hadn't realized how much he had missed spending the day with her, and he tried to contain his nervous excitement as much as possible as he stepped off the porch toward her. She quickly parked and climbed out, a tote bag of clothes and a bottle of wine in tow.

"Hi," he greeted as he finally reached her. He took the tote bag from her hand and wrapped his arms around her, inhaling the scent of lavender as he buried his head in her hair. She was completely casual in blue jeans and a light blue button-down shirt, but she still looked exceptionally warm and inviting to him.

"Oh, I thought I'd never make it," Meredith sighed, relaxing into his embrace with relief. She ran her fingers through his hair before sliding them down the back of his black cashmere sweater.

"Rough day?" he asked. He used his empty hand to grasp hers and lead her towards the trailer.

"Yeah, kinda. Cristina's just being sorta impossible right now…" Meredith started as they walked into the trailer. "Wait a second…are you cooking something?"

Derek's eyes twinkled a little as he raised his eyebrows at the accusation.

"Yeah," he nodded. "You like marsala, right?"

"Um…yeah, of course…but you don't cook…" Meredith argued, confused.

"Correction – I haven't cooked for you. It doesn't mean that I can't. As you will see, this is yet another area that I am _quite_ accomplished in. I just haven't had occasion to demonstrate my skills," he replied cockily before leaning in to deliver a long and lusty kiss to Meredith's lips.

She licked her lips anxiously, trying to catch her breath as he pulled away from her. He liked to leave her wanting more.

"What other skills have you been hiding from me?" she asked, arching her eyebrows as she eyed him quizzically.

"Be patient, Meredith, and I promise I will reveal many, many more skills that you can benefit from," he teased seductively before dropping her tote bag off on his bedroom dresser and returning to the stove.

A grin spread across Meredith's face as she watched him move through the confines of the trailer. His efforts to clean hadn't been lost on her, and she appreciated this new side of him. Derek, the brilliant, sexy neurosurgeon, and now, accomplished chef and all…hers…

She exhaled loudly, announcing the end of her daydreaming, before turning to chill the wine in the refrigerator.

"Geez, Derek," she laughed as she surveyed the contents of his typically empty fridge. "Did you leave anything in stock at the grocery store?" She worked at rearranging items to make room for her bottle of chardonnay.

"Yeah, I maybe went a little overboard," he acknowledged. "I just…didn't know how long you'd want to stay," he continued cautiously.

"Really?" she questioned, a little surprised. She gently closed the refrigerator door and walked up behind him. Her arms slid easily under his to hold him tightly as she rested her head against his back.

He leaned back against her, tilting his head slightly as he closed his eyes and inhaled with relief. He hadn't scared her away yet.

"Oh, Mere…" he whispered in long, drawn out syllables that sounded like a prayer leaving his lips.

"I love you," she sighed into his sweater, not letting him say anything else before she pulled away from him.

"I love you, too," he said, smiling. "You should go relax on the back porch. Dinner's pretty much ready. I'll bring it out, and then you can tell me about your day."

"Are you sure you don't need any help?" Meredith asked, wanting to linger with him a little longer.

"Go," he urged. "Tonight is about wining and dining you. I think I can handle bringing you food, even if it takes me a couple trips."

Feeling as though she needed to give him this opportunity to further demonstrate his domestic talents, Meredith retreated to the back porch.

It was dusk, and the sky swirled with pinks and blues and the faintest hints of stars. Crickets chirped in the yard, and the occasional breeze stirred up ripples on the lake. As Meredith collapsed into the patio chair's cushions, she was instantly reminded of all the reasons Derek loved this land. Despite being close to a major city, she felt like she was worlds away from Seattle, lingering in a small piece of paradise. Rather than the bright lights of skyscrapers and Space Needles, they had candles and fireflies and sunsets.

And flowers. Apparently, they had flowers.

Meredith studied the romantic table setting, taking in the careful placement of each item. The table was small and square, but large enough to fit the two of them comfortably. Several tea lights flickered in clear votive holders, and the flower arrangement sat neatly to the side of the table so their view of each other wouldn't be obstructed. The diligent planning that Derek must have taken impressed her, and she wondered why they hadn't had more dates like this.

She stood back up to lean into the lilies and roses, inhaling their fragrance.

"Do you like them?" Derek asked, startling Meredith a little since she hadn't heard him come out. He held two plates billowing with steam in his hands while a bottle of wine was pinched under his arm. A corkscrew angled out of the pocket of his blue jeans.

"They're beautiful," Meredith sighed, catching her breath. She smiled as she watched him set the swell of food in front of her.

"I'm glad," he said, returning her smile. "I didn't know if you'd like flowers or not. Sometimes they remind me a little of being back at the hospital, but I tried to find the most un-hospital-like arrangement I could."

"Thank you," she glowed, reaching out her hand to squeeze his. "They're perfect."

She sensed that he was slightly nervous about the evening – that they were heading into somewhat unfamiliar territory now that they had said so much to each other and made their intentions more clear. She didn't want him to feel like he was walking on egg shells around her, and she decided she would make a conscious effort to alleviate his fears.

Derek smiled and nodded, pleased that he had succeeded with the flower purchase. He then began uncorking the wine and pouring each of them a glass, watching the cool, blonde-colored chardonnay swirl the edges of the round stemware before settling to the bottom. He placed the remains of the bottle on the table next to the flowers and eased into his chair across from Meredith.

"What would you like to drink to?" he asked, picking up his wine glass.

"Hmmm…" Meredith grumbled as she reached for her own glass. She rolled her teeth over her lower lip a few times as she looked up in thought, searching her brain for just the right toast. "Let's drink to…" she began cautiously, a smile suddenly sweeping across her features as if she finally decided. "Let's drink to your many hidden talents…and the longest one night stand of my life…and fireflies. How cool are fireflies?"

Derek laughed, wondering if she even realized that she had been vocalizing those ideas.

"You realize that I only poured one glass for each of us. That's a lot to toast to," Derek teased as Meredith's face turned slightly pink.

"I know," she replied a little defensively. "It's just…I have a lot that I'm happy about tonight…lots to toast…"

"Me too," he confirmed. "To everything you said, and…to us," Derek announced, clinking his glass against Meredith's before taking a large sip.

Meredith followed, and then carefully picked up her knife and fork to sample her dinner. The steam wasn't as heavy as before, so she could easily see the pieces of sauce-covered chicken and mushrooms resting on a bed of linguine. A garlic roll and steamed broccoli sat on the periphery of her plate, glistening with a small amount of butter. It all looked and smelled so good, she wasn't sure where to start.

"So, what happened with Cristina today?" Derek asked, remembering the beginnings of their earlier conversation.

"Oh yeah, Cristina…" Meredith started, mouth full with food. "She's being difficult about apartments," Meredith continued, still chewing, "and this…," she swallowed, "…is the best marsala I've ever tasted. Wow! You cook. Who knew? Izzie will be so jealous when she finds out that she has competition for top chef. Seriously…" she rambled, tearing off another piece of chicken.

"Thanks," Derek replied, pleased with her reaction. He paused for a moment to watch her devour her food. "I'd ask you to tell me more, but I don't want you to choke," he teased.

Meredith looked up, realizing that her food was already half gone while his plate was barely touched. An embarrassed grin crept across her face as she set her utensils down and reached for her wine glass, letting the flavor linger in her mouth a moment before swallowing.

"Sorry," she shrugged.

"No, I take it as a compliment!" he reassured, laughing.

"So, Cristina…" she continued. "We went to dozens of apartments today, trying to find one that would work for her, and she hated all of them!"

Derek pursed his lips together in a frown and nodded, unsurprised. While he respected Cristina, he had never been terribly fond of her. She had a way of interfering in his relationship with Meredith that unnerved him, and this seemed to be her latest, more subtle effort.

"I love her, but I can't handle sharing a room with her much longer. She's taking over all of my stuff, and she's messy…really, really messy… and if she doesn't find a place soon, I don't know what I'm going to do," Meredith groaned, picking her fork back up to stab a spear of broccoli.

"So, stay here until she finds a place," Derek suggested casually. He regarded her carefully as he waited for her reply.

"I guess, but that's not ideal either," she replied, watching him slink back with disappointment. "I mean, I want us to stay together, but the trailer is small. You don't want me to bring all of my stuff here to make it more cramped. And the commute is longer. That's no good with the hours that I have to work," she argued. "Plus, who knows how long it will take Cris to find a place if I'm not there to nag her. She might just get a little too comfortable if she thinks I'm moving out here."

Derek nodded, slightly disappointed by the reasonableness of her response. The trailer _was _small. It was perfect when it was just him, but the experience of sharing it with Addison had made him realize that he would need to get a bigger place if cohabitation ever became a long term reality. The few times he and Meredith had tried staying at the trailer before hadn't been so bad since it was just a couple of nights here and there. Most of the time, they stayed at Meredith's. But he knew that if she was actually living with him, she would bring much more than a tote bag. He also knew that he would likely try to take the ferry with her everyday so they could spend their commuting time together, and that would mean more hours at the hospital for him. He would essentially have to settle into a resident's schedule instead of an attending's.

There was no doubt that the proposal was filled with downsides, but he couldn't help but remain a little hopeful.

"Well, you are welcome to stay here whenever you like and for however long you want," he concluded, trying not to come across as pouting too much.

"Thanks," Meredith replied, feeling slightly guilty. She definitely wanted to stay with him, but she appreciated all of the animosity that Addison had felt towards the trailer. It was charming in small doses, but claustrophobia-inducing over long stints. "We'll see how tonight goes before making any final decisions," she encouraged mischievously, hoping that he understood that her hesitation had everything to do with location and nothing to do with him.

"Am I at least off to a good start?" Derek asked, hopeful.

"Very," Meredith assured. She kicked her shoe off and slid her foot across to Derek's leg, stroking it playfully. An impish grin lit up her face as she resumed eating, knowing that they'd both be going out of their way to make each other happy this evening.

* * *

Meredith consumed another serving and a half of the chicken marsala and several more glasses of wine before surrendering to a self-described "food coma." Eventually the cool night air seeped beneath her skin, motivating her to return inside. She blew out the candles as Derek collected the dishes, and she followed him through the trailer door. 

"That…was…so…good…" Meredith groaned. She was a little drunk from all of the wine, a fact she didn't realize until she stood up.

"I'm glad you liked it. I thought there would be enough left over to take in for lunch tomorrow, but I guess not," he teased.

"Yeah, I guess it's a good thing you have enough food in your place to feed a small army," Meredith shot back.

She began filling the sink with hot water and dish soap in an attempt to clean up the remaining dishes. There weren't many left to wash since Derek had already done several while he cooked.

"I can get this later, Mere. Just relax," he encouraged, brushing away her hair to expose the nape of her neck. He leaned in and feathered it with soft kisses that gave her goosebumps.

"It's okay," she swooned. "There aren't that many."

"Suit yourself," he said, pulling back abruptly.

Meredith groaned, already missing his touch as she worked her way through the dishes. Derek cycled through the trailer, cleaning up various items that had been pulled out for dinner before picking up a towel to help dry.

"Thank you," Meredith whispered, reaching for the sauté pan and a scrub pad.

"For what? Drying dishes?" Derek asked, slightly confused.

"No, for…for everything. For this – tonight, and last night, and putting up with me long enough for me to figure out how much I want this." Meredith's eyes brimmed slightly with tears as she looked up at him, gauging his reaction.

Derek finished toweling a plate before setting it down and reaching for Meredith's face. He gently tangled his fingers in her hair.

"I love you," he said, kissing her softly on the forehead. "There is nothing that I wouldn't do to make you happy, and you…"

He kissed her again, moving his lips lower to her cheek.

"…are…"

Another kiss along her jawline.

"well…worth…the…wait…"

The trail of kisses continued until he found her lips and met them passionately, allowing his tongue to plunge inside her mouth hungrily.

She dropped the pan in the sink and reached her arms around him, not even noticing that her hands were dripping with suds as they slid into the back pockets of his jeans. She grabbed him firmly and pulled his body towards her, cementing their bodies together.

"I think the dishes can wait a while," he insisted, pulling away from her lips briefly before moving them down her neck.

"Yeah, I guess so," she agreed, tilting her head back as she shuffled her feet backwards toward his bed, dragging him along with her. Her eyes were closed and the room was spinning a little from the wine, so she didn't even notice when she reached the bed. Instead, she stumbled and fell back onto it, surprising both of them as she pulled him on top of her.

Derek grunted a little in amusement, and then resumed kissing her collarbone. His skilled hands worked their way down the buttons of her shirt, carefully undoing each one with the quick precision that only a neurosurgeon could execute. His lips followed the trail to explore the newly exposed territories of her body.

Meredith moaned anxiously and arched her body towards him, hoping to feel more. She slid her hands around to the front of his pants, frantically trying to undo his button-fly jeans so she could touch him…taste him…feel…him…

"These jeans are so hard to get off of you!" Meredith pouted, wishing that the buttons could be replaced by a standard up-down zipper. Frustrated that she couldn't get a good enough angle to finish undoing his pants, Meredith pushed him off of her and sat up, leaving him wide-eyed in her wake.

"What are you…" Derek growled, intensely following her movements with his indigo-colored eyes.

Meredith stood up and walked to the foot of the bed, pulling Derek down towards her so that his legs dangled over the edge. She then reached for the two remaining buttons, undoing them quickly, before pulling his jeans and boxers off his body to leave him exposed to her.

"Mere, let me…" He sat up, reaching for her, but she pushed him back down, a little aggressively.

"No. It's my turn to do something for you," she insisted. She finished taking her shirt off and hovered over him in her jeans and bra.

"Okay," he agreed. She slowly traced her fingertips over the insides of his thighs, teasing him as she knelt down at the foot of the bed in front of him. She kissed his thighs, dancing patterns on it with her tongue as she allowed her hands to slide up his hip bone.

Derek hissed a little as her hands continued working their way north, under his shirt, without touching the part of him that wanted to be touched most.

She tugged gently on his shirt, signaling that she wanted him to take it off.

He quickly sat up and complied, throwing the sweater and white undershirt to a far corner of the room. He leaned forward and ran his fingers through her hair, hoping to nudge her head in the right direction.

She batted his hands away playfully.

"I said no…lean back, or I'll stop completely!"

Derek obliged, whimpering slightly as he collapsed back into a pile of pillows.

"Now, where was I…" Meredith placed both hands on his hips and slowly, slowly, slowly dragged her tongue along his shaft before circling its head and working her way back down.

Derek gasped at the thrill of her attention, straining a little as he ached to be touched more.

Meredith continued caressing him with her tongue while teasing the underside of his balls with her fingertips. She cupped them in her hand, tugging gently as he moaned. She used her other hand to grip the base of his erection, and pulled on it with firm strokes that ran the length of him.

"Oh, god, Mere…don't…stop…" he growled.

"I won't," she said, licking her lips. She hovered over him, making eye contact briefly, before taking him in her mouth. Her jaw strained a little as she worked to fit him inside, but she enjoyed the challenge. She moved her entire body in a slow and steady rhythm, bobbing her head up and down on him.

Derek clutched the blanket he was laying on with both hands, piling it into his fists as he fought to maintain some semblance of control over his body. His hips bucked up into her mouth involuntarily, and his eyes rolled back as he enjoyed the sensations Meredith sent rippling through every inch of his body.

Meredith relaxed a little more and picked up her pace slightly. She used her hands to touch the places her mouth couldn't reach, and she felt herself getting wetter as she anticipated how he would reciprocate.

"No…don't…I…not yet…" he panted, forcing his body to settle as he pushed Meredith away. He was dangerously close to coming, and he wasn't ready for it to end.

Meredith pulled back, wiping away a small bit of saliva that had dribbled from her mouth. "Do you want to finish inside me?" she asked, eyes blazing with desire.

"Yes," he pleaded desperately.

Meredith stood up and stripped off her remaining clothes while Derek slid back towards the headboard, never taking his eyes off her. Her body was flushed and warm, and as she removed her bra he could see that her nipples were fully erect.

She crawled onto the bed, slithering her limber body up against him as she leaned towards his lips. She smiled at him mischievously before kissing him passionately – a momentary distraction from the leg she swung over his body to straddle him. Without warning, she lowered her body on top of him, enveloping his throbbing cock in one swift movement.

Derek's eyes opened in surprise, and a startled moan escaped his lips.

"Shhh…" Meredith urged, gently lifting a finger to his lips as their bodies moved against each other. "I want to make you happy," she sighed, breathing into his ear as her whole body pressed against him.

"You…do…" he murmured. His hands slid down her body, pausing temporarily on her breasts, before working down to her hips. He gripped them nimbly in his strong hands and began raising and lowering her against his own frantically bucking hips.

Meredith moaned with pleasure as she repositioned herself to be sitting upright. She tilted her head back, and her long brown hair danced down her back as she maintained their rhythm.

Derek delighted in the full view of Meredith's body and watched as her breasts bounced heavily in front of him. He slid one hand lower down her leg, placing his thumb against her clit to coax her to pound against him harder.

"Ohhhh…" she yelled at the extra stimulation. She quickened her pace, grinding and gripping him inside her until neither could stand it anymore.

Derek grunted anxiously as Meredith constricted her muscles on him, pushing him over the edge. He emitted one long groan as he pulsed inside her, quivering with spasms that overtook his entire body. The sensation of it all caused Meredith to climax almost simultaneously, and she screamed wildly before collapsing on top of him.

The two laid still and silent, fighting to steady their heartbeats and catch their breath. Eventually, Meredith rolled off of him, no longer able to handle the warmth of his body.

"Mere, that was…" Derek started.

"…intense…" Meredith finished. She gazed up at the skylight over their bed. She hadn't noticed until now that it was raining outside, and the water created a steady cadence against the roof of the trailer.

"I love you," he whispered, turning towards her. He gently swept a few stray hairs away from her face as he watched her linger in her post-orgasmic glow. She met his eyes and smiled at him.

"I'll never get tired of hearing that," she murmured, somewhat in awe.

"And I'll never get tired of saying it," he replied softly. He leaned over to kiss her one last lingering time, and then turned out the light.


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note: Thank you so much for all of the awesome feedback lately! It is much more fun to write happy MerDer than angsty MerDer. That's not to say that there won't be a little more angst in this story, just not right now. I'm giving them a break for a couple chapters. **

**I'm really loving this long holiday weekend. I finally have time to work on this, and I may even have another chapter ready to post before the end of the weekend. If all goes well, I'll be able to pick up the pace and post more frequently, but we shall see…You never know when writer's block will hit. Anyway, I hope you continue to enjoy! **

* * *

"Mmmm…what time is it?" Meredith murmured groggily as she looked over at Derek. He was already wide awake, lying on his side, and she had the sneaking suspicion that he had been watching her sleep. She usually hated when he did that. 

But not this morning.

This morning, there was nothing about Derek that she hated.

On Meredith Grey's emotional spectrum, hate and Derek were on opposite sides.

"It's a little after eight. You slept in," Derek responded, smiling.

"_You_ let me," Meredith fussed.

"Yeah, well…you looked like you could use the extra sleep. You had a busy night." Derek leaned in and kissed Meredith delicately. Casually. Like it was a typical part of his morning routine.

"Yeah," Meredith sighed, recalling the previous evening. Despite turning out the lights after making love, neither managed to fall asleep, and they had sex one more time before calling it a night. "I slept really, really well. You are far more cuddly than Cristina," she teased. She slid closer and wrapped her arms around him, drawing him closer. Their legs naturally intertwined.

"I do what I can," he whispered, feathering her with fleeting kisses along her jawline.

"Ohhh…no…don't…" Meredith pouted, starting to push him away.

"What?"

"I have to get up and get ready for work. We can't start this," she protested.

"What time is your shift?" Derek asked, concern registering through his eyes as the corners crinkled a little.

"I need to be there by ten, which means I need to leave here in like…a half an hour…or else Bailey will get mad at me. God, how ridiculous is it that I don't have to report to her anymore and I'm still scared?"

"We'll make this quick," Derek insisted, pulling her back towards him.

"You don't do quickies."

"I can do them, I just don't prefer them. But I'll take what I can get," he smiled mischievously at her.

Meredith stared at him for a moment, deciding if there was any possible way she could resist him…wondering if she even wanted to.

He started kissing her neck, working his hands lower down her body under the covers. Given that she never put any clothes back on before going to sleep, it didn't take him long to find the places on her body that made rational thought surrender to emotion and allowed her to ignore anything else happening around her.

_Derek…touching…touching…kissing…must go to work…must resist…touching…_

"I need to go shower, Derek," she whispered, doing her best to fight him off.

"I work well in there, too," he growled. He continued to slide his fingers along the curves of Meredith's body.

"Fine. Go start the shower. I'll meet you in there," Meredith conceded.

Derek sprang from the bed and practically sprinted to the bathroom, clearly excited that he won this debate. In reality, he hadn't expected Meredith to give in since he knew that she was already running later than she should to make the ferry. And he did hate feeling rushed through sex.

Meredith laid in bed and listened to the sound of the shower starting. The sky had cleared up somewhat since the rain last night, and a steady stream of sunshine was pouring down on her from the skylight. She stretched slowly and meandered to the shower where Derek was waiting.

"We so don't have time for this," Meredith sighed sadly as she opened the shower door.

Derek stood naked under the heavy stream of water, a small pout perched upon his lips. "Are you sure?" he groveled.

"Yeah, I just…I don't want to be late this morning," Meredith replied, swapping places with him so that she could feel more than just the mist of water bouncing off his body. The hot water greeted her like a warm massage, and she closed her eyes to enjoy the feel of it pummeling her body.

Derek grabbed a bar of soap and carefully reached around her from behind, dancing the soap along her chest in an effort to lather her body. He used both hands to spread the suds around her breasts until he was ultimately cupping them, working the nipples between his thumb and forefinger.

"Are you sure you don't have time?" he pressed, his breath against her neck adding to the humidity in the shower.

"No…no time…no time at all…" she mumbled. She arched her back a little, pushing her breasts further into his grasp. Her head leaned back against him, and she reached her hands behind her to feel the slick skin of his muscular body.

His hands continued their descent, a soapy trail marking all of his stops along the way.

"So, you probably don't want me to do this, then," he said, sliding his hands in between her legs. He continued lathering her body seductively, feeling her body tense with arousal.

"Mmmm…not…at…all…" she groaned, slowly working her body against his hand while feeling his erection behind her.

"And, if I turned you around and made you do a bendy thing, you probably would say no to that, too?" he asked, dropping the soap to the ground so that he could work exclusively with his fingers to explore her. He began nibbling on her left ear, tugging it slightly with his teeth, before sliding his lips further along her neck.

"Probably," she murmured, feeling waves of pleasure swell inside her like flood waters beating against a weakening dam. She broke away from his grasp and turned to face him. Her body was flushed from the heat of the water and her growing excitement, and she eyed him hungrily.

Their eyes locked and within moments Meredith found herself pinned against the shower wall, balancing precariously on one leg while Derek buried himself inside her. They frantically synchronized their movements, trying to control the wild lust they felt for one another, but both had worked themselves up into such a frenzy that self-control seemed to spiral down the drain along with the soapy water spraying from the shower head.

Meredith gripped Derek fiercely, her nails digging into his shoulders as he pistoned in and out of her. Her breathing was shallow as she felt his pelvic bone grind against her with each thrust, and maintaining her balance became a tremendous challenge as an intense orgasm raged through her body.

Derek continued bucking against her, now fully supporting her body as he slid his hands under her. He punctuated each thrust with a throaty grunt before emitting one long groan that indicated his climax.

Meredith whimpered slightly as Derek released her to her own two feet. Her legs felt wobbly and unsure as she tried to hold herself up to finish the shower, but Derek hovered close enough that she felt relatively certain he'd stop her from collapsing.

"Was that fast enough for you?" Derek asked, winking at her as he reached for his shampoo.

"Was that another one of your previously undisclosed skills?" Meredith shot back, a wide smile spreading across her face.

"Perhaps," he agreed. His hair transformed from a wet black to foamy white as he worked the shampoo through his tendrils. The clean minty scent of it spread through the bathroom, making Meredith feel more like she was at a spa than getting ready for work.

"Hey, I forgot my shampoo in my bag. Can I use that?" she asked, holding out her hand to point to the shampoo bottle.

"Oh, here," he said, passing her a different colored bottle instead.

Meredith studied the bottle, realizing that it was her lavender shampoo.

"Gosh, I didn't realize that I left this here," she said, slightly confused. The bottle seemed full, and she hadn't stayed at the trailer consistently enough to leave a new bottle of it there.

"You didn't. I bought it," he replied casually. The shampoo rinsed out of his hair easily, allowing it to return to a straighter version of his black mane.

"Yesterday?"

"A while ago. I like the smell," Derek replied. _I missed your smell…I missed having you here…_

Meredith understood the subtext perfectly and just nodded. She decided that she wouldn't press him for further details – he had already confessed enough.

The two finished showering in comfortable silence, and quickly toweled off before getting dressed for work.

"I am _so _going to be late," Meredith huffed while pulling on a cottony long-sleeved white tee shirt. The clock read a little after nine, and she knew there was no chance she'd be able to make the ferry in time to get to Seattle Grace by ten.

"You're fine. You forget who you're with. I'm your boss. I'm your boss's boss," Derek smirked while working the buttons on his own shirt.

"Yeah, I know already. That makes this so much better," Meredith remarked sarcastically, kicking her feet into her tennis shoes without bothering to untie them first. She struggled with the heel of one a little, but had both on quickly.

Derek scurried around the trailer, gathering his things for the day before leading Meredith out to his car.

"Do you think this will be easier when I'm chief?" Derek asked, starting the drive towards the ferry.

Meredith looked at him quizzically, a little surprised by his question.

"What are you talking about, Derek?" From everything she had heard, the chief was staying on another year and the search for a replacement was ongoing. All she knew was that Derek didn't get the job, and she was scared to bring up the topic with him for fear that it was a sore subject.

"Mere," he paused, deciding how to continue and how much to divulge. "I was offered the position as chief," he finally continued, almost whispering conspiratorially.

"What? Seriously? When?" she returned, wide-eyed with shock.

"The day of the wedding. But I turned it down," he said, nodding as if trying to convince himself that it was the right decision.

"I don't understand. You wanted that so much," Meredith continued, still puzzled. She looked at him as if he was some imposter that had taken the place of the man she loved.

"I wasn't ready. I needed more time to figure things out with…us," he stammered. He looked over at her, trying to read her reaction.

She continued to stare at him in disbelief.

"You gave up being chief of surgery – your dream job – for us?" She shook her head as she continued to try to make sense of it. Her eyes began to rim a little with tears.

"I haven't given it up forever, Mere. Just for a while. It's still my goal, but the timing wasn't right. I thought we needed some time to work through some things, and I knew I couldn't do that if I was taking on so many new responsibilities," he continued. He removed one hand from the steering wheel and reached over to grab Meredith's hand. It was a little cold but still soft. He squeezed it gently and began massaging it tenderly with his thumb.

"But…but…what if something happens and you don't ever get another shot at it? I just…I don't get it…" Meredith sputtered.

"If that happens, I'll deal with it. I'm not too worried, though. And not being chief isn't the worst thing that could happen," Derek countered.

"So you turned it down, and you're fine with that," she repeated, still not sure what to think. Was Derek Shepherd, god-complex-wielding-head-of-neurosurgery saying that he'd choose her over his career? His _career_?

"I'm definitely fine. Better than fine, in fact," he confirmed, squeezing her hand for good measure before returning it to the steering wheel.

"Well, okay then," Meredith said, sinking back into her seat to stare out the window. She still felt overwhelmed by his decision, but not smothered overwhelmed. More happy. "And no, it won't…" she mumbled.

"What?" Derek asked. Now it was his turn to be confused.

"It won't be easier," she continued, returning to his earlier question. "When you're chief, it won't be easier. You'll want to treat me differently, and I don't want that. No special privileges, Derek. I mean it."

"Every privilege you've ever had you've gotten because you earned it - you're a great surgeon. That's not going to change. I don't _give you_ special privileges…at the hospital anyway." He smirked, making her blush a little.

"Sick and depraved, you know that? One tracked mind…" she laughed, hitting him playfully.

"And I guess I don't consider on-call rooms, technically, to be part of the hospital," he added, prompting another jab from her. "Or elevators or stairwells or empty corridors or my office or…"

"The worst, really. Sometimes, you're the worst," she giggled.

"See? I told you I wasn't ready to be chief just yet," he sighed dramatically. "Besides," he continued more seriously. "I need to spend some more time grooming the one person I think could actually fill my shoes as chief of neurosurgery someday. She may be a truly brilliant resident, but she's no Derek Shepherd."

"Not yet," she agreed. "But someday."

Her eyes twinkled a little as they met Derek's, and he smiled with pride as he recognized that the question of her specialization was officially settled. Their tenuous relationship status was remedied and no longer created an obstacle keeping her away from his O.R.


	17. Chapter 17

Technically, Derek Shepherd had the day off. There were no surgeries scheduled for him, and he wasn't even on call. But here he was, working at Seattle Grace on a Sunday afternoon, all because he wanted to ride the ferry in with his girlfriend – not just today, but everyday. He rationalized it as being an opportunity to check on some patients and catch up on writing and paperwork, but even he had to admit that his motives were fairly transparent. The best he could do was spend the day out of Meredith's way so she didn't figure out that he was working extra for the sole purpose of synchronizing their schedules. She would hate that.

Derek spent the morning hiding in his office, organizing some research for an article he was writing. His blinds were closed, but the harsh fluorescent lighting of the small room with his name on the door still managed to escape into the hallway, notifying passers-by of his presence. Consequently, he wasn't too shocked when a knock came on his door.

"Come in," Derek yelled abruptly, trying to convey a sense of being too busy for visitors when in reality, he welcomed the distraction. He never particularly enjoyed writing; he merely tolerated it.

"Did you forget that you have the day off?" Richard Webber asked while walking into the office. He regarded the massive piles of paper surrounding the periphery of Derek's desk with disdain. It was unclear to Derek whether he was frowning at the mess or simply just reminded of the mass of paperwork waiting on his own desk.

"I know, I'm just still trying to catch up on a few things. And why aren't you home with Adele?" Derek retorted, trying to change the subject.

"Because when I tried to retire, you wouldn't let me," Richard replied, settling into a chair across from Derek.

Derek smiled and nodded. He wondered if this would be a frequent topic of conversation between them this year…if anytime the chief became frustrated, Derek would automatically be partly to blame. He certainly hoped not.

"Derek, this isn't working for me, and I don't want to beg," Richard sighed, his hands clenched together on his lap.

"What are you talking about?" Derek asked. He leaned back in his chair and rocked back and forth a little, anxious to hear where this was going.

"I know you don't want to be chief yet, and I know, deep down, that I'm not quite ready to leave. But at some point, we both need to make this transition…"

"So what are you saying?" Derek began rapping his thumbs nervously against the arms of his chair, creating a drum line for a song only he could hear.

"I want you to become co-chief. We can split the responsibilities some so that you get the experience you need for the job, and I get the occasional break from running everything," Richard declared firmly.

"You're serious?" Derek asked, slightly in awe.

"I am very serious. I was expecting to be retired by now, and I'm not getting younger. I was shocked when you turned down the first offer. Don't do that to me again, Derek. We both know that this is the right career move for both of us." Richard stood back up, as if he wasn't even interested in hearing Derek's response. It was just a given.

"Can I think about this?" Derek ran his hands up through his dark curls, considering the proposition.

"You need to think about this? If it's money, we'll renegotiate your salary, of course," Richard countered impatiently.

"It's not that. I just…well…I want to run it by Meredith before I commit to anything," Derek admitted.

Richard's demeanor softened a bit at the mention of Ellis Grey's daughter.

"Okay, I understand. Just don't take too long…and don't come back and tell me no." Richard responded. "Seriously, Derek. I want you to have this job. I know I expressed doubts before, but I think it's best for both of us." He paused and looked at Derek, trying to come up with the words to explain his change of heart. "If I had chosen Ellis…" he started. His eyes grew very serious for a moment – reflective even. "Well, Adele and Ellis just weren't the same. I don't regret my decision to stay with Adele, but I know that being chief would have been easier if I had been with Ellis. You could be a good husband to Meredith and still be chief, Derek. It could work for you."

"I'm just working on boyfriend for now," Derek sighed.

"I know, but just…learn to balance your career with your love life…I'm offering you a test run for that, Derek. I wish a similar opportunity had been afforded to me."

"Thank you for this offer, Richard. I'm definitely going to consider it," Derek expressed calmly, doing everything he could to contain the excitement welling beneath the surface. He was dying to share the news of this compromise opportunity with Meredith. Based on her reaction this morning, he expected she would be thrilled for him.

Richard nodded and left, closing the door behind him.

Derek leaned back further in his chair and laced his fingers behind his head. He wondered how much time he needed to wait for the chief to clear the area before he paged Meredith. _Would ten seconds be too soon?_

Derek paced his office a couple times, working off some excess energy, and finally set out for the second floor. If he didn't bump into Meredith along the way, he could have her paged from the nurse's station down there. He moved briskly, but tried to maintain his composure as much as possible. To anyone who didn't know better, Dr. Shepherd could merely be rushing to respond to a 9-1-1 page. He took the stairs quickly, nearly stumbling at one point, and walked onto the floor. A quick scan of the area didn't reveal her, so he turned towards the nurse's station.

"Derek?" a familiar voice called nervously behind him.

Derek spun around at the sound of his name, only to see Thatcher Grey walking awkwardly towards him.

Derek froze, a cyclone of conflicting emotions spinning inside him. His jubilance gave way to something much darker, and he immediately felt defensive, combative, and anxious. He fought down the residual rage he felt over seeing Thatcher strike Meredith after Susan's death, and he smiled as politely as possible.

"Thatcher," Derek stammered, uncertain what to do next. "What brings you here?"

"Oh, well, I…" he began self-consciously. His eyes darted towards the floor and then back up again as he played nervously with the keys in his pockets. He suddenly noticed a figure in the distance walking toward him, and he relaxed slightly.

Derek followed his gaze and saw Lexie bouncing toward them, full of energy. She only slowed slightly when she noticed that her father was talking to someone, and then she slowed a little more when she realized that someone was Dr. Shepherd. Her eyes furrowed with concern and confusion as she finally approached.

"Hi, Dad, are you ready for lunch?" she asked cautiously while leaning in to kiss him on the cheek.

"Yeah," he responded. "I was just talking to Der…Dr. Shepherd."

She looked at both men skeptically. "You two know each other?"

Derek nodded, still at a loss for words. The three stood in painful silence for a moment, until Thatcher finally paused in his fidgeting.

"How's Meredith?" he whispered in a voice that was barely audible.

Derek's eyes narrowed and his arms started to quiver slightly. He folded them in front of him abruptly as he felt the pent up anger releasing through his body in the form of heightened levels of adrenaline.

"You have no right to ask me about her," he stated coldly.

Thatcher stepped back slightly in shock while Lexie's jaw dropped beside him.

"You don't get to ask about Meredith. You have done far too much damage to her to get to show any interest now. You don't get to…" Derek continued, rage palpable through the strained syllables of his voice.

Thatcher nodded solemnly, his eyes brimming slightly with tears of regret. He turned around and walked slowly toward the elevator, completely silent.

Lexie stood staring at Derek, a look of shock painted on her face.

"What was that?" she asked angrily, her protective instincts kicking in as fiercely as Derek's.

"It's none of your business," Derek hissed back, still trying to calm himself.

"No, you just berated my father for asking you…_you_…about _my_ sister. I think it _is_ my business!" Lexie yelled loud enough for more than a couple nurses to look up from their charts.

Derek continued to stand rigidly, not sure how to respond.

Lexie continued studying him. Her skin flushed with anger, much like Meredith's when she got mad, but slowly the pink undertones went white.

"Oh, god, she's the one, isn't she…the relationship you're in that made you say no at the bar…" Lexie stammered, realization setting in. "You're her boyfriend."

"I need to go," Derek grumbled before leaving Lexie standing alone in the corridor, still racked with disbelief.

Derek stormed past the nurse's station and back into a stairwell. He needed some time to cool off before he could try finding Meredith again. He couldn't see her like this. He paced around the floor momentarily before deciding to go down to the lobby coffee cart.

The white walls of the hospital passed in a blur. At best, they were a canvas for the scene repeatedly playing in his head – one of Thatcher slapping Meredith and sending her running. Derek had tried to go after her, but she didn't want him, and it had left him feeling stung and empty. He despised Thatcher in that moment, and any sympathy he felt for the weak and awkward man evaporated.

He purchased a strong cup of coffee and sunk into one of the chairs in the hospital atrium. Slow, deep breaths became the focus of his energy as he ignored the people around him, and he carefully sipped from the hot cup between each one. He'd feel better after he had some time to himself.


	18. Chapter 18

Derek sat alone in the hospital atrium for at least a half an hour, slowly feeling the stress melt away from his body. People walked in and out of the area, but they were mostly fuzz in the periphery of his vision. He talked to no one and noticed nothing in particular. He just sat and drank and breathed.

His excitement over seeing Meredith gradually returned. He would tell her about Thatcher, but first, he wanted to tell her about his visit with Richard…the new opportunity facing him and the resolved uncertainty over his career. She would be happy and excited for him, and that was all that he needed to wipe away the memory of his confrontation with her father.

He got back up from his chair and took the stairs two at a time back up to the second floor nurse's station so he could have Meredith paged. He waited anxiously for her to arrive, pacing the floor, rehearsing how he would tell her about his day.

"We need to talk," she finally said stiffly as she walked up behind him. She grabbed him by his lab coat and led him to a nearby supply closet.

"That's why I paged you. Mere, what's wrong?" he asked, suddenly nervous.

Meredith turned on the closet light, let go of his coat, and closed the door behind them.

"What did you say to my father?" Her voice was tense, and she wrung her hands apprehensively.

The color drained from Derek's face, leaving it to match the crisp white jacket covering his dark blue scrubs.

"Uhhh…" he sighed. "What have you heard?"

"What have I _heard_? Derek, I _heard_ that you were screaming at him in the middle of the nurse's station. I _heard_ that you sent him off shaking and crying before you started in with Lexie. You just can't manage to stay out of my problems, can you?" She was furious now, possibly angrier than he had seen her.

"Mere, it wasn't like that," Derek stammered. He moved toward her to reassure her, but she stepped away from him, heading towards the back of the closet. _At least now she's cornered,_ he thought as he positioned himself between her and the door. _She can't leave until we talk this out…_

"Well, tell me how it was, Derek, because I am so tired of hearing from everyone but you how you've talked to my family behind my back!"

"He asked me how you were, and I got angry," Derek replied, his anger rebuilding from before.

"You got angry," Meredith echoed skeptically.

"Yes, I got angry because after all that he's done to you, he shouldn't ask me how you're doing. He shouldn't try to take an interest in your life unless you want him to."

"I don't need you to protect me," Meredith trembled defensively.

"I know that, Mere, but I care about you. I don't like seeing you get hurt, by him or anyone else." He stepped towards her again, trying to wrap his arms around her and calm her down, but she put her hands up in front of her body to block him.

"Do you know what hurts? Thinking you can trust someone to let you handle things and finding out that they have so little faith in you that they intervene anyways. I don't need you to talk to Thatcher or Lexie or anyone else on my behalf. I'm handling things. You might not agree with me or like them, but I'm handling things. I just need you to give me some space to work this out my way without trying to protect me, and…Damn it!!!"

She looked down at the pager vibrating violently against her hip. She unclipped it and brought it closer to her eyes, reading its message.

"Mere, I…don't…" Derek tried desperately.

"It's a 9-1-1, Derek. I have to go," she said, starting towards the door.

He stepped out of her path, feeling like a boxer who had been winning a match for eleven rounds only to get knocked out in the twelfth.

"We'll talk more later?" he mumbled sadly.

She brushed by him without responding and headed out the door, leaving him to sulk in silence.

* * *

Meredith scrubbed out from surgery much more sullen than usual. She aggressively lathered her hands with soap and stomped about the room as she slammed her gown into a nearby hamper. 

"Grey, it happens," Mark consoled as he scrubbed out himself. Their patient, a victim of extensive third degree burns, had died on the operating table. Her condition was tenuous all day, but they thought she was stable enough for Mark to remove the dead skin and start fighting off infection. Unfortunately, the trauma had been too much and the middle-aged woman's heart gave out.

"Yeah. I know," Meredith muttered.

"Are you okay?" he asked, genuinely concerned.

"I'm fine," she replied, her voice a little louder than appropriate for her response.

"Fine," he echoed, disbelieving.

"I'm fine," she reaffirmed before opening the door and storming down the hall.

Mark quickly finished scrubbing out to follow her.

Her limber body sprinted down the hall before turning a corner and heading into an on-call room. She didn't notice that Mark was only a few footsteps behind her, and he stepped into the room behind her before the door even had a chance to close completely.

"I may not know you well, but you are not fine," Mark insisted, surprising Meredith as she sat on the twin bed.

She looked at him with disbelief. All she wanted was some time to be alone, to figure things out, and she apparently couldn't find that today. She shook her head in frustration.

"Spill it, Grey," he demanded. A sly smile perched on his lips that let Meredith know that she might as well get this over with because he wasn't going anywhere until she did.

Meredith let out a big sigh as she gathered her thoughts.

"It's not about the surgery, is it?" Mark prodded, becoming more concerned. He sat next to her on the bed and studied her reaction.

"No," she whispered. "It's…it's Derek."

"Oh," Mark nodded, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable for prodding so much. "If you don't want to talk to me about it, I'll understand," he continued.

"No, it's okay. You're maybe the one person I _can_ talk to about him," Meredith shared.

Mark looked confused. "What about your friends?"

"They are not exactly the most supportive individuals when it comes to Derek. And they don't really know him like I do or…like you do…" she reasoned. "I know you two aren't as close as you once were, but I think you get him. You understand him…"

"Yeah, maybe. I think I do," Mark confirmed wistfully. "So what's wrong?"

"He just…he's constantly hovering and involving himself in my problems and…and it bothers me," Meredith confided, looking up at Mark as she hoped he would confirm that she wasn't crazy for feeling this way.

"He hovers?" Mark asked.

"Yes… No… Sorta…He's just always there, trying to help, which I guess is sweet, but it gets so damn infuriating when all I want is for him to leave me alone sometimes."

"You two are ridiculous," Mark announced, laughing slightly.

"What?" Meredith asked, surprised.

"Ridiculous and blind. So blind that you need _me of all people_ to sort things out for you," Mark chuckled.

Meredith continued to gape incredulously.

"Grey, he loves you more than anything. I've known him my entire life and I can honestly say that I've never seen him so in love with anyone. He hovers because he needs to be with you and feel helpful," Mark confided.

"All the time though? That just seems weird…" Meredith started, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Look, he's not perfect despite all of his efforts. He really fucked things up with Addison by _not_ hovering – by giving her too much space and staying away until he found her with me. And then he fucked things up again by leaving you. Now he's overcompensating. This is his way of making sure he's involved in your life," Mark explained confidently.

"You think that's it?" Meredith asked a little skeptically.

"I do. I think it's that and the fact that he has become pretty territorial lately. He likes to be in your business whether you want him to or not. He'll never admit that, but that's the way he is now. Very overprotective…"

"I'm not used to overprotective. That whole phenomenon is still pretty new to me," Meredith admitted.

"Yeah, well, nearly dying probably didn't help your case for keeping him away," Mark asserted.

Meredith sucked in a large breath as she remembered the ferry accident and all of its aftermath. She realized there was definitely a connection between that incident and Derek's protectiveness, and she felt a little guilty for not getting that sooner.

"Ugh, why do I suck at relationships?" Meredith bellowed in frustration while folding over onto the pillow to her right.

"You don't, Grey. You're pretty good at this one," he assured her, patting her on the leg. "He's not exactly the easiest guy to get along with sometimes. Moody bastard…"

"He yelled at my father today. He yelled and lashed out to defend me and I got mad at him about it," Meredith confessed.

"You're entitled," Mark encouraged.

"I know, but…he was just trying to help," she sighed. "I shouldn't have gone off on him like that."

"So apologize and get over it."

"Right…apologize…"

"Or whine and pout separately until he begs you to forgive him. Your choice," Mark joked, somewhat amused.

"You find this funny, don't you?" Meredith remarked, sitting back up next to him.

"A little. You have to admit that it's ironic that I'm giving relationship advice to Derek's girlfriend given our history as dirty mistresses," he smirked.

Meredith laughed a little, seeing the humor in the situation.

"God, if Derek found out that I talked to you about us, he'd probably flip out. Please don't tell him, okay? Let me work this one out," she insisted.

"No problem. You two have enough issues without me. I won't add to the drama," he confirmed. "Are you _actually_ fine now?"

"Yeah, I think so," she said, smiling. She stood up and walked back to the door. "I should probably get back to work before someone notices I'm missing," she explained.

"Me too," Mark replied, following her out the on-call room door.

Meredith started to walk away and then paused, turning toward Mark. He was still hovering in the door of the room.

"Thanks, Mark. You're better at being his friend than he gives you credit for," she said gently, extending her hand to touch his arm softly.

"Thanks," he mumbled. "You're pretty good for him too. Hang in there," he encouraged before wrapping his arms around her in a supportive hug. "And if things don't work out, I'm single," he leered.

Meredith hugged him back, laughing a little and thankful to have someone to play big brother for her when she needed it. They smiled broadly at each other before going their separate ways.

Both were completely oblivious to the fact that Derek had watched the entire scene of them walking out together and embracing from across the room.


	19. Chapter 19

Derek stared in momentary shock at the door of the now vacated on-call room. He felt nauseous and shaky and broken. He couldn't make sense of it. Why would Mark and Meredith be together in this room – a room with a bed? And why would Mark wrap his arms around her after they emerged?

Meredith had smiled. She had smiled at Mark with a genuine smile – a warm, happy smile that was typically reserved for him, not Mark.

He felt completely unnerved. Unnerved and enraged. His stomach tied itself in knots. His chest tightened. His skin burned.

This was his hospital. He was about to be chief. His hospital and his girlfriend and his ex-best friend, together…

The walls were closing in on him. He needed air. He needed space. He needed something.

He needed an explanation that could stifle his active imagination.

He skittered down the hall in the direction that Mark had gone, completely oblivious to everyone around him. He had a singular purpose and nothing could distract him now. He couldn't stand back and let this happen to him again. He couldn't let Mark take away everything he ever had.

How could he have been so blind?

Mark stood at the end of the hall flirting now with Cristina. The two smirked at each other and bantered, although Derek couldn't hear what they were saying yet. He could just tell what was happening from their body language.

Cristina noticed Derek coming towards them and pulled away from the conversation, scampering off to the stairs to avoid him.

She knew. Maybe she knew. Derek wondered how long something had been happening between Mark and Meredith. Certainly Meredith would have said something to Cristina. Cristina was her person.

Derek was furious. He clenched his fists and prepared to hurl them at Mark. This time, he would do more damage than before. Mark wouldn't be able to repair himself when Derek was done. He wound up and lunged at Mark.

"Jesus!" Mark yelled, holding his hands up to block the punch. "What the fuck?" He ducked, grabbed Derek's arms and pushed him away, shoving him against the wall. Derek crumpled at the impact, as if he had just collapsed onto a house of cards that couldn't break his fall, and he slouched to the floor.

"Seriously, Derek! You really need to fucking stop that. Use your words. Fuck! What is your problem?" Mark continued ranting, shocked.

"You…You're my problem…" Derek grumbled angrily.

Mark rolled his eyes. "And what have I done now?" He looked around to see who was near. Luckily this area of the hallway was pretty empty. He didn't think anyone had seen their encounter.

"You know what you did," Derek hissed through clenched teeth.

"No, really. I don't. Enlighten me," Mark retorted sarcastically. His friend looked pathetic. Pathetic and upset and broken, and Mark felt a little bad for him.

"What were you doing with Meredith?" Derek asked, accusations dripping from his strained voice.

"What?" Mark asked, trying to make sense of this. "Oh, I get it," he laughed. "You saw that."

"You're laughing?" Derek said, standing up rapidly – so rapidly the room swirled a little. "You're fucking laughing?"

"Yes, Derek. You're such a jackass. Seriously. Did you honestly think that Meredith and I hooked up in the on-call room? Seriously?"

Derek shook his head in frustration. "What were you doing?" He asked impatiently.

Mark looked at him sadly for a moment, realizing that he had caused his friend to react this way. For Derek, it must have been easy to jump to this conclusion. After all, he had trusted Mark and Addison together until he found them having sex. He'd been completely oblivious until that point, and then his world came crashing down in the aftershocks of one tremendous tidal wave. Mark was the one who had broken his friend, and he wondered if he'd ever be able to restore Derek's trust.

"She was upset about you and some stupid fight you had. I reminded her that you've become this overprotective territorial prick because you love her so much, and I encouraged her to take it easy on you because you've clearly lost your mind," Mark insisted.

Derek's body relaxed a little, and he sunk into an embarrassed slouch, unable to meet Mark's eyes. Of course they hadn't slept together. Meredith wouldn't ever do that to him. Mark, maybe. But, Meredith? Definitely not. Even at her angriest, she wouldn't go there. Not with Mark. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Mark sighed. "I know you may not ever trust me again – not really – but you have to know, I would never do anything to come between you and Meredith. You probably thought that about Addison, too, but really, man. This is different. I loved Addison when you had already stopped. But you and Meredith…you love each other _so much_…I _couldn't_ come between you if I _wanted_ to," he urged. "Well, I mean, all women succumb to my charm eventually, but Meredith hasn't given in as easily as most."

Derek nodded, still staring at the floor.

"You two are the only friends that I have here. Please don't be mad at me for trying to keep you together," Mark pouted teasingly.

Derek looked up and smiled weakly. "I'm not mad. Stupid, maybe, but not mad."

"Yeah, you are a bit of a dumb ass sometimes," Mark joked.

"Thanks."

"You just need to learn to trust each other. You're getting there," Mark encouraged.

"Yeah. You're absolutely right. I should know better than to think you'd stand any shot with her. She has much better taste in men," Derek chided. His weak smile slowly upgraded itself to a full grin.

"Warped taste, maybe. Certainly not better," Mark said cockily. "We'll talk later?"

Derek nodded.

"Oh, and Derek? You need to work out man. Your right hook is not up to par. Until then, words, not fists, okay? I'd hate to see you get your ass kicked in a fight you initiated," Mark teased as he walked backwards down the hall.

Derek laughed a little and set off back towards his office. He was much safer there - less likely to run into anyone or see things he wasn't expecting. There was a much smaller chance of overreacting to stupid things if he just hid in there for awhile. He felt like he was losing his mind today, and at least in there, no one would be a witness.

* * *

"You didn't come home last night," Cristina accused Meredith as she stood next to her in the basement, basking in the glow of the vending machine. She punched the buttons aggressively, making Meredith feel a little more flustered in an already frustrating day. 

"Um, no, I spent the night with Derek," Meredith said, annoyed. "Did I need to call home for permission?"

"Do what you want, Mere," Cristina replied sarcastically.

"What's your deal? Why are you so pissy?" Meredith asked. Her face was pinched a little in aggravation.

"Nothing. I just wondered where you were last night," Cristina retorted.

"Bullshit. You knew where I was. What's wrong?"

"I just…I think you need to be careful," Cristina said suspiciously.

"I'm fine. We're happy. We're working things out. Really."

"Yeah, sure. I'm happy for you," Cristina said dismissively.

"This isn't about you," Meredith snapped. "And don't pretend to be happy when you're clearly pissed that I got back together with him. I don't know why you continue to be so negative about us. He never did anything to you."

"No, but he did to you…"

"And if I can forgive him for that and be happy, you should be, too. For me. Be happy for me, because he makes me happy. And damn it, I deserve happy!" Meredith ranted. "Last week you were encouraging me to be with him, and now this week? This? What the hell?"

"Okay, okay. Sorry. I'm just…stressed," Cristina sighed.

"Is it Burke?" Meredith asked softly.

"Of course not, I'm over him," Cristina sneered.

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I know. That year of your life and the man you nearly married are unimportant. So what's _really_ bothering you, Cris?"

"I'm just stressing about the whole apartment thing. Especially now that you and McDreamy are clamoring to get your bed back," Cristina confessed.

"You'll figure it out. You're Cristina Yang. Cristina Yang solves her problems quickly," Meredith dismissed. She was in no mood to host a pity party today.

"Yeah, I know. Of course I will…" Cristina said, trying not to reflect her disappointment on her face.

Meredith read her friend's reluctance immediately, but decided not to acknowledge it. Cristina couldn't find a place because she didn't want to. She wanted to be around people right now, and the people in Meredith's house were her family. They were the ones that could take care of Cristina and help her repair what Burke had broken. Cris would never admit that, but Meredith knew that was how she felt. Meredith felt a little guilty for insisting that Cristina leave under those circumstances, but she really did want her space back. She wanted a space for her and Derek and no one else, person or not.

"I'll keep looking for you, too, and we'll figure this out later, okay?" Meredith reassured. "I need to get back."

Cristina nodded.

Meredith crumpled her nearly empty potato chip bag and tossed it in the trash. She didn't really need to leave, but she needed to get away from Cristina and all of the negativity for a while. She was trying so hard to be more bright and shiny today, especially after her conversation with Mark, and she knew that Cristina might bring her down.

She wandered over to the elevator and got in. The hospital was quieter than normal even for a Sunday night, and the elevator was completely empty. She instinctively pushed the button to the floor with Derek's office on it. She wanted to see him and discuss their fight earlier. She felt guilty about how she had left things, and she hoped that he hadn't gone home for the night already.

The hall was empty but for the lights peeking out from his office. It wasn't surprising – attendings that were there on a Sunday night were unlikely to be in their offices. But Derek wasn't typical of the attendings, and she was relieved to see that he was still there.

She opened his door and watched as he stared at his computer screen, typing steadily on the keyboard in front of him. He was surrounded by notes and papers, and the glow of the LCD reflected in his blue eyes. His concentration was so deep that he didn't even look up as she entered.

Meredith hovered in the door a moment, watching him. She smiled as she began timing how long it would take for him to notice her there. She enjoyed watching him work, whether it was in the OR or elsewhere. His focus was often unwavering, and she knew it was one of his strengths as a neurosurgeon.

"Hey," she finally whispered, growing impatient to be discovered.

Derek did a double take at the figure standing in his doorway. He wondered how long she had been standing there.

"Hey," he smiled back, leaning back away from his computer to focus exclusively on her.

"What are you working on?" Meredith asked casually. She closed the door and walked around behind Derek's desk so she could massage his shoulders. He felt tense and stiff, and her nimble fingers quickly sought out the knots in his shoulder blades.

Derek sighed as he felt the tension evacuating his body at her touch. He could sense from her movements and body language that things were better between them – that she had calmed down substantially from the afternoon. "I'm just finishing a research paper for a conference I'm attending in a few weeks."

"Ah…interesting stuff?" Meredith asked, using both hands to knead one particular spot.

"Pretty dry, I think. I'll let you read it when I'm done if you want," Derek replied.

"Wow, with a recommendation like that…" she joked.

He smiled and reached up for her hands behind him, telling her she could stop. He spun his chair around so he could look at her while he continued to keep her hands in his grasp.

"Mere, about earlier…" he started.

"No, stop. I'm sorry, Derek. I know you weren't trying to meddle. You're allowed to be upset at Thatcher. You were just looking out for me," Meredith acknowledged.

Derek looked up at her, his eyes searching hers.

"You don't need to tackle all of these problems on your own, you know," Derek voiced. His hands rubbed Meredith's delicately.

"And you don't need to solve them for me," Meredith retorted.

"I know, it's just…"

"You worry. And it's sweet that you worry. But I'm not used to having people worry about me, and until I adjust to that, you need to give me some breathing room," Meredith said carefully, hoping she wouldn't upset Derek or his ego.

He nodded, looking slightly defeated.

"Derek," she started, locking her eyes with his. "I like that you care so much. I do. Just, talk from now on. Talk to me. I'm not so fragile that you need to protect me from everything. And I'm really trying to work on this communication thing between us," she confided. She leaned down and kissed him gently, somehow emphasizing her point.

"Okay," he whispered as he pulled his lips away from hers. He pulled her sideways into his lap and wrapped his arms around her, cradling her close. Her legs dangled over the arm of his chair and her head rested against his shoulder.

"Are you going home tonight?" Meredith asked quietly. She closed her eyes and listened to his heart's rhythmic beating. _Thump. Thump. Thump._ She could let this lull her to sleep so easily. She'd already been working for thirteen hours of her thirty-six hour shift, and her day had been emotionally exhausting.

"No, I'm going to stay. I'm getting a lot done, and I have surgery early tomorrow," Derek softly responded. He raised his hand and started running his fingers through her hair, inhaling the faint lavender scent that lifted from her honey-colored strands.

"You know I won't be done until ten tomorrow night," she sighed, barely clinging to consciousness.

"I know, I'll be here." He kissed her forehead tenderly, and tilted his head against hers.

Her breathing became slower and deeper, marking her descent into sleep. Derek was happy to let her doze in his arms for a while, even if it was a little uncomfortable. She didn't snore, but she occasionally murmured softly, causing him to open his eyes and smile before drifting back to sleep himself.

"Shit! Make it stop," Meredith groaned after several minutes. She reached down and pulled off her pager, eyeing it angrily for interrupting her sleep.

Derek woke up suddenly and nearly knocked Meredith off his lap in the process. His arm and legs were asleep, and pins and needles danced through them as he tried to regain circulation.

"You have to go?" he asked, a little disappointed.

"Yeah," Meredith replied, standing up quickly.

He was always amazed at how easily she could wake up when she was on call. At home, waking up tended to be more of a battle for her.

"Text me later and tell me where you decide to sleep. I'll come to your room when I get a chance," Meredith smiled, rubbing the final remnants of sleep from her eyes.

"Sounds good," Derek replied. Even though they still had a lot to work out from the day's events, he felt satisfied. They were making progress, and despite the arguments, they were still together at the end of the day.

Meredith ran out the door to respond to her page, and Derek went back to work at his computer.


	20. Chapter 20

Meredith's pager had worked overtime throughout the night, conveniently interrupting her within fifteen minutes of lying next to Derek not once or twice, but three separate times. Every time she settled in next to him, synchronizing her breath with his as she drifted steadily towards sleep, something would come up to keep them apart. Eventually Meredith resigned herself to give up on sleep altogether. Sometimes that was just how it went on long shifts, and in those circumstances, the coffee vendor in the atrium became her best friend. Toward everyone else, she was cranky. Toward the coffee vendor, she was as sweet as a white chocolate mochacino covered in whipped cream and sprinkles.

Derek was busy all morning performing a craniotomy. He had offered to let Meredith scrub in with him, but retracted once he saw the dark circles of a sleepless night rimming her eyes. He urged her to get some sleep, but she was already too hyped on caffeine at that point to even consider it. And once the caffeine infusion started, she hated to stop. Withdrawal typically hit her hard, and without the guarantee of lasting sleep, she wasn't about to give up her mocha latte.

She settled into a seat in the empty gallery and sipped the scalding beverage carefully. If she couldn't scrub in, she'd at least watch.

Derek was already well into the procedure, but he noticed her presence immediately and looked up to wink at her.

Meredith smiled back lazily and waved. She stretched her legs out in front of her and rested her tennis shoes against the glass, trying to push the tired tension out of her body. She closed her eyes to rest briefly and daydreamed about going back to Derek's trailer for some high quality, uninterrupted sleep. She didn't care if anything else would be included in the deal. All she wanted was a pillow and a mattress and a blanket. And maybe Derek…Derek could be there, too…But no pagers allowed…

She opened her eyes and looked down at her watch. She had been dozing for almost an hour, and the surgery was virtually done. She shook her head, a little disoriented. The sleep had done nothing but make her more tired, and now exhaustion weighed on her like a boulder pressing upon her shoulders.

She stood and took another sip of her now cold coffee. The once energizing caffeine source had disintegrated into a mess of mismatched flavors, and she wrinkled her nose at it, cursing herself for not finishing it while it was hot. She'd have to go back and see if Roger, her coffee cart companion, could make her another. She tossed it into a garbage can by the door and walked into the hallway.

"Dr. Grey!" Richard Webber called from the surgical board where he stood studying the day's surgeries.

Meredith walked towards him, uncertain why she was being summoned.

"Good morning, chief. Busy board?" she asked guardedly.

"Not bad. I see Derek has two craniotomies scheduled today. I'm surprised you're not scrubbing in," Richard commented.

"Long night on call. I'll probably scrub in later today," Meredith admitted, suddenly feeling like a slacker for not being in the OR. _Crap, I should have scrubbed in. I let him manage me and take advantage of my sleep deprived state and now the chief thinks I'm not doing enough. Great. Awesome. Thanks Derek…_

"Well, I'm glad you're not one of those over-eager residents that thinks there's no limit to what they can do and then makes careless mistakes because they're sleep deprived. It's important to pace yourself, Meredith," Richard advised supportively.

_Maybe my boyfriend rocks after all. _"Yeah, that was my thinking, too. I want to be as fresh as possible during surgery," Meredith lied.

"So what is Derek thinking about the job offer? I'm assuming you two have talked about it," Richard asked nervously. He assumed the answer was yes. How could it not be? He constantly saw Meredith and Derek talking in the hospital, even when he didn't want to. Surely Meredith knew, and Derek was just waiting to confirm.

"Um…He told me a little about it, sure," Meredith said, somewhat confused. Why was the chief asking her about this? Should she feel guilty that Derek turned down the chief job for her?

"Well, if you see him, tell him I'm still waiting for his answer," Richard instructed casually.

Meredith looked at him, no longer able to hide her confusion. _He said he turned it down already. That he wasn't ready. What is the chief talking about?_ "I'll make sure he gets back to you today," Meredith stammered. "I think he's finished with his morning surgery, so I'll go remind him right now," she rambled, turning quickly to head to OR-1.

"Okay, thanks," Richard called after her. But Meredith was already gone before he had a chance to pronounce his final syllable.

Meredith's feet cycled down the stairs quickly as she practically ran towards the prep room. Derek was already scrubbing out, and he seemed pleased to see her stumble into the room with him.

"A little late to scrub in on this one, Dr. Grey," he announced, winking at her. Some of the interns nearby snickered a little at his bold flirtation.

"What haven't you told me?" Meredith demanded. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail that looked particularly disheveled at this moment.

"Um…" he mumbled, scanning his eyes from left to right and trying to decide what she was asking about. Eventually he gave up. "I like Muppets?"

"What?" Meredith snapped impatiently.

"It's true. I've always had a thing for how bossy Miss Piggy is, and the whole interspecies love affair she had with Kermit wasn't a big deal to me because they loved each other," he said grinning. He loved taking advantage of openings like this – and Meredith created them often amidst her ramblings.

"Derek Shepherd, I am clearly not asking you about pig-frog love," Meredith fumed.

"Okay, Mere," he giggled while drying his hands. "What _are_ you asking me about?" He moved to put his arm around her and guide her into the hall where they would have less of an audience.

"The chief. The chief wants your answer," she demanded, shifting her weight back and forth impatiently. "Your answer on what, Derek?"

"Oh, that," Derek smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I was going to tell you yesterday, but I never found a good opportunity," he admitted, slightly embarrassed.

"So tell me now. What's going on?"

"The chief has offered me a job as co-chief. We'd be splitting responsibilities for the year so I wouldn't have to commit to everything right away, but it will help get me ready to take over and will relieve him a bit to spend more time with Adele," Derek explained.

"Derek, that's great!" Meredith gushed. She threw her arms around him to give him a tight embrace, but withdrew suddenly. "So why is he waiting on an answer? Why didn't you immediately say yes?"

"Because I wanted to talk it over with you," he admitted. "I don't want to make any big decisions without at least discussing them with you first."

"Really?" Meredith murmured softly. She was surprised by his explanation.

"Yeah, Mere. That's what couples do. I think you called it…what's the word…communication?" he teased.

"Right. We're communicating," she agreed. A huge smile crept across her face.

"So you're okay with it?" Derek asked, seeking final confirmation.

"Of course," she replied quickly.

"Good. I'm excited about this, Mere. Excited for us," Derek admitted. His eyes were sparkling with enthusiasm.

"Me too," Meredith whispered, leaning in to hug him once more.

He hugged back tightly, not caring who might walk by to see them. Her legs lifted off the ground a little, and he kissed her forehead lightly before setting her back on her feet.

"I'm going to go tell the chief, and just so you know, I'm going to make it a condition of my acceptance that we get similar schedules – at least have the same days off," Derek confided.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" Meredith asked, concerned.

"Of course. He won't say no, and it's not like you'd end up working less. No special treatment, I promise," he assured.

"Okay, then," Meredith smiled. The caffeine was almost unnecessary. She was positively giddy. "Good luck!" she called after him as he walked away.

"Thanks," he hollered back.

Meredith continued floating along the hall in the direction of the atrium. She wasn't sure if she needed more coffee, but on the off chance her excitement _was_ just a caffeine high, she didn't want to be let down.

Roger was especially friendly when Meredith made her fifth stop of the morning at his coffee cart. He teased her about needing to buy stock in the company, and he threw in a complimentary muffin – a gesture of goodwill, he explained, as he tried to prevent all of the coffee from burning a hole through her empty stomach. Meredith accepted graciously and looked down at her watch before carrying her loot away from the cart.

_Damn it, I'm going to be late for my shrink_, she thought, and she quickly thanked Roger before heading toward the elevator.

The elevator was crowded and managed to stop at every floor between the first and the sixth. Meredith practically inhaled the blueberry muffin on the way and rinsed it down quickly with her most recent mocha latte grande. A little of each dribbled onto her scrubs, but she didn't notice. She was in too much of a hurry.

"I have an eleven o'clock with Dr. Evans," Meredith announced as she reached the reception desk on the sixth floor. By all visible clocks, she was ten minutes late.

"She's waiting for you. Go on in," the elderly woman working the desk responded. Her face was pinched into a disapproving frown that emphasized the creases on her face and made it clear that this receptionist was never late for appointments of her own.

Meredith smiled politely before heading back towards the immaculate office down the hall. She knocked timidly before entering.

_I'm fine. I don't even need to be here. Everything is great. Totally cured. This will be my last appointment. Thanks for all of your help!_

"Meredith! I'm glad you were able to make it! I know how unpredictable your schedule can be sometimes…Please, come in and have a seat," Dr. Evans welcomed while standing up and walking towards the door. She closed it quietly behind Meredith and watched as Meredith sank into the couch, still clutching her coffee cup.

Meredith took a sip nervously and waited for Dr. Evans to sit as well.

Dr. Evans smiled supportively at Meredith and pulled out her steno pad before sitting back down in the leather chair across from her patient.

"So, tell me about your week. Did you talk to Derek?" she asked, reviewing her notes.

"Yes, we talked," Meredith started. "We talked a lot actually and worked out a lot of things. We talked and had sex and both were great…really great…" Meredith stammered before looking back up at her audience. She blushed a little as she realized what she had just said. "But it was mostly talking. Really... Our relationship isn't just sex. My friends all think it's just sex, but it's not. Don't get me wrong, we _like_ the sex part. I mean, I _really_ like the sex. I've been with lots of guys, but _none_ like Derek. Sex is important to both of us... But talking. Definitely talking comes first. We're getting better at that," she rambled.

_Geez, Mere. Could you sound like a bigger slut? Do you even know what you're saying? Stupid, Mere. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stop thinking about his stupid boy penis and get this over with…_

"Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship," Dr. Evans reassured Meredith, an amused look on her face. "There's no need to be embarrassed about that."

"Okay," Meredith mumbled.

"So you're satisfied with how things are going between you and Derek?" Dr. Evans continued.

"Sexually?"

"Um, well, I think you've already covered that," Dr. Evans responded as professionally as possible.

"Oh yeah, right. Yeah, things are good right now. Great, in fact. Perfect. Well, almost," Meredith continued.

"What's not quite perfect?" the psychologist asked, taking advantage of the opening.

"Well, my best friend, Cristina. She just broke up with her fiancé and she's staying at my place. In my room…with my things…and she's messy. I love her, but god, she's messy," Meredith sighed.

"Are you upset that she's messy?" Dr. Evans prompted. Her pen dangled loosely between her thumb and forefinger as she waited for some sort of response.

"A little. But mostly I'm just upset because I want my room back. Now I have to stay at Derek's trailer in the middle of nowhere when I want to spend the night with him."

"Have you explained that to Cristina?"

"I've tried, but she's not terribly supportive of my relationship with Derek. And I feel bad for her. She needs to be around people right now, and Izzie and Alex are there with her when I'm not…"

"Izzie and Alex?"

"Yeah, my other roommates," Meredith explained.

"So you and Derek are waiting for Cristina to move out," Dr. Evans repeated.

"Yeah, I guess so," Meredith confirmed awkwardly.

"And then you and Derek will live with your roommates mostly?" she continued.

"Pretty much."

Meredith started fidgeting with the lid to her coffee cup, tracing her finger around the edge to draw circles on the top. She hated being in therapy. It made her fidgety and rambly and stupid and vulnerable all at once. She felt like she was being interrogated, and she never managed to censor her responses before spitting them out, especially once she hit this level of exhaustion.

"How do you and Derek feel about having roommates?" Dr. Evans inquired.

"We hate it. They constantly walk in on us, and they don't give us a lot of privacy," Meredith admitted. She started to feel a little tense. She really _did_ hate having roommates when Derek was there. "But, it's a big house and it would feel empty without them, I guess. And I'd hate to kick them out. Then I'd just be left with a big miserable house and all of my mom's stuff," Meredith rationalized.

"It sounds like you don't like the house very much," Dr. Evans remarked.

"I don't. It's the house I grew up in, and I didn't have a particularly happy childhood. I just have it because my mom left it to me and it's free and convenient."

"Do you want to talk more about your childhood?"

"Sure, I guess…" Meredith responded.

Meredith shared more details about her parents and their break up, allowing the conversation to progress toward the confrontation between Derek and Thatcher. The longer Meredith sat and talked, the more hostile she felt about her parents, and the more she appreciated having Derek stand up for her in the process. No one had ever really done that for her before. While it was an important first step, she decided that she was definitely not "cured." She still had much to discuss with Dr. Evans, and perhaps despite all of the incoherent rambling, this would be good for her.

Meredith agreed to come back the following week, but continued to replay the conversation in her head. _Derek, Cristina, roommates, parents, Derek…_ There was a lot going on for her, and she was anxious to sort it all out. She wanted to get things right this time, and she knew that it was going to take some effort in several directions.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: An important chapter as things start to wind down… There will be two more chapters after this, and I hope to have both of them up before the release of the Season 3 DVDs on Tuesday. Thanks for all of the feedback! It's been really motivating!**

* * *

Meredith sat impatiently at the bar, drinking tequila instead of coffee. She had finally gotten off her shift at ten, but Derek was meeting with Richard to work out some details of the new job. He promised he wouldn't be much longer, and they agreed to meet at Joe's once he finished. So Meredith waited, slowly constructing a mini-pyramid of shot glasses. 

"Rough day?" Joe asked casually. Usually when Meredith made pyramids, it meant a bad day.

"Nope, just tired," Meredith mused, carefully stacking the glasses.

"Well, if you're tired, the tequila should help put you to sleep," Joe confirmed.

"Yep. Going to sleep soon. As soon as Derek gets here, I'm going to sleep…"

"Good luck with that," Joe teased before moving on to another customer.

"Meredith! Hi!" a bubbly voice cooed behind her.

Meredith rolled her eyes and turned around, not particularly excited about talking with Lexie. "Hi," she said back as warmly as she could.

Lexie pulled up a stool and took her jacket off. "Are you here alone?" she asked.

"No, just waiting on someone," Meredith admitted, resuming her focus on the shot glasses.

"Let me guess, you're waiting for Dr. Shepherd," Lexie stated coolly.

"Yeah," Meredith blushed. "I am."

"You know, I really wish you would have just told me rather than letting me make an ass of myself…an ass with you _and_ him. I really don't need help in that department. I make an ass of myself well enough on my own," Lexie teased self-deprecatingly.

Meredith giggled a little. "That's what you get for trying to pick him up in a bar," she countered.

"Thanks for that tip. I'll keep that in mind," Lexie mumbled sarcastically before ordering a beer. "So, how did you two meet?" she finally asked.

"Oh, I picked him up in a bar," Meredith stated, grinning at her younger sibling.

"Of course," Lexie laughed. "We must be genetically programmed to do that."

"I guess so," Meredith sighed back. She was happy, and she didn't even mind letting Lexie in on that secret. She proceeded to spill all of the mortifying details of kicking Derek out of her house and finding out he was her boss the same morning. It made Lexie feel much better knowing that she hadn't made the mistake of letting her boss see her naked, and the two women laughed together as Meredith recalled the trials and tribulations of those first few weeks. A casual observer might even speculate that they were bonding.

"You two seem to be having a good time," Alex interrupted, amused.

"I was just learning the true identity of the mysterious Dr. McDreamy," Lexie admitted.

Alex smiled at Meredith, relieved to see his friend in such a good mood.

"Have you seen Cristina around?" Alex asked.

"No, not since earlier today. She's probably home already," Meredith responded.

"Oh, well if you see her, tell her that I need that twenty bucks," Alex responded, winking at Meredith while Lexie remained oblivious.

Meredith laughed a little.

"Are you short on money? I can get the drinks tonight," Lexie asked innocently.

"No, I just won a bet and need to rub it in to Cristina a bit," Alex replied.

"What kind of bet?" Lexie was now intrigued.

"Hot dog eating contest," Meredith interjected quickly, rescuing Alex from near catastrophe.

"Right. It's this thing we do at lunch sometimes," Alex agreed.

Lexie regarded both of them skeptically, but decided to let it go.

They continued to chat casually for a few minutes before Alex convinced Lexie to leave with him for the evening. Meredith said goodbye to both of them and returned to her drinking.

"That clearly took too long," Derek sighed, staring at the stack of shot glasses in front of Meredith.

"Not too long. I've been fine here," Meredith replied casually.

"I'm sorry about that. Are you ready to go?"

Meredith smiled at him, slightly intoxicated, and wrapped her arms around him. She was relieved that he was finally done so they could go home.

Derek let her hug him for a while. The scent of lavender mixed with tequila was particularly strong, and he was looking forward to taking her home so he could experience those scents even more.

"Did you want to stay here a while longer?" Derek asked, still waiting for an answer from her.

"No, take me home," she sighed, practically falling asleep against him.

"Home your place? Or home, the trailer?" Derek clarified.

Meredith sighed. "The trailer. Home, the trailer, I guess."

"Okay," he returned. He helped her stand up, paid her tab with Joe, and walked her out to his car.

The cool night air woke her up almost immediately, and she felt herself sobering up as she inhaled deeply. The air was moist from the Seattle rain and surrounding waters, and it tasted slightly salty to her.

"Did your meeting go well?" she asked as she settled into Derek's car.

"Yeah, we worked out several details, and I think this may be a pretty sweet gig," Derek said, smiling.

"Good," Meredith murmured, genuinely happy for him.

"The chief agreed to my scheduling request, by the way. Starting next week, we'll be on roughly the same schedule. Mostly the same shifts, even," Derek continued.

"Really?" Meredith gushed. She was still surprised that he had made that request much less gotten it approved.

"Yeah, Richard thought it was a good idea, especially since you're going to specialize in neurosurgery. It only makes sense that we have similar schedules so I can mentor you. He was _very_ supportive of it, in fact… He cares a lot about you, Mere, and I might even go so far as to say that he thinks we're good for each other," Derek responded, reaching over to gently squeeze Meredith's leg.

"Well, duh!" Meredith joked back. "Of course we're good for each other!"

Derek laughed and continued resting his hand on her thigh. He liked having her in his passenger seat, especially after spending so much time apart. She was warm and inviting and _his_.

The ride to the ferry went by quickly. The traffic was light this time of night, and there weren't many people clamoring to board the ferry in comparison to their morning commute. They parked the car and walked up to the virtually empty passenger deck so they could see the Seattle skyline at night.

The air felt cold against Meredith's skin, and she shivered a little as they got to the outer rail overlooking the water. Derek wrapped his arms around her protectively, and she melted from his warmth.

"You know," Derek started quietly. "For a long time, I had a hard time getting back on the ferry…after the accident…"

Meredith gasped a little. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry, Derek…"

"I'd look out at the water and just…imagine you…floating there…lifeless…" he shuddered and gripped her tighter in his arms, as if he wanted to protect her by holding her captive. His breathing sounded slightly panicked as he was wrecked by the memories.

Tears filled Meredith's eyes. She didn't know what to say or do, so she just listened.

"I saw you and I thought that this was all my fault. I _knew_ something was wrong that day…I _knew_ and I let you tell me you were fine. I wanted to give you space, but I knew that you were depressed, and I should have made you deal with that…made you get help from me or Cristina or someone else. And I didn't, Mere…I didn't…"

"Derek," Meredith choked, trying not to sob. She knew she needed to hear this, and there was nowhere to run. She was pinned between him and the railing of the deck, and his grip on her showed no signs of letting up. "It wasn't your fault…"

"I know," he sighed. "I'm figuring that out, but I still regret it. I regret a lot of things…about us… When I thought you died…it was so much more to me than just losing you. You were my future, and I thought all of the plans I'd made were lost."

"You had plans?" Meredith asked. _Finn had plans, not Derek. Derek never told me about plans…_

"Of course I had plans, Mere. And I knew that if I lost you, I wouldn't be able to move on. I would never find anyone that I could love as much as you. That realization…devastated me…I was terrified that I was in so far and you…" _Gave up. Left me. Died._

"I'm sorry…I'm so, so sorry…I didn't…" Meredith sobbed, unable to hold herself back any longer.

"No…I'm not telling you this to get you to apologize…I'm just…I'm happy that I can ride the ferry with you. I think I'm handling things better now," he admitted. "And I'm making plans again…for us…with you…"

It was rare that he was so honestly vulnerable with Meredith, but something about it – about the moment, made it feel safe for him.

Meredith leaned against him even more, relishing the feel of having him so close to her.

"I'm not leaving you. I'm done…leaving you…You're it for me, too…" she confessed softly.

He leaned in and kissed her neck. "I know, Mere. I know…"

Meredith closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation of his lips moving along the curve of her neck and up to her ear. He nibbled gently, and she could feel her whole body reacting from the attention. She squirmed against him a little, feeling his own arousal building slightly.

"Things are definitely different this time," Meredith sighed, still enjoying the attention but wanting to continue their conversation.

"Mmmm-hmmm," Derek agreed, slowly working his cold hands underneath her shirt. The feel of his cold fingertips caused her to jump a little, but she slowly adapted as they warmed from the friction against her skin.

"We're better together," Meredith continued, trying not to let herself get too distracted.

"Definitely," he mumbled as his hands tugged gently through the lace of her bra. As much as he was getting over the pain of nearly losing her, he still urgently needed the physical confirmation of her presence. Fortunately no one else was out on the deck with them.

Meredith sighed and gave in to his touch. She would have to wait to tell him about her therapy session and the new insights she was gaining. She didn't have it all figured out yet anyway. Just the most important part, and he was already holding her.

* * *

Meredith woke up alone in the trailer, a quickly scrawled note placed in the spot typically occupied by Derek's body. 

_Shift ends at 7pm. Meet me for dinner. I'll call later with details. Love, D_

Meredith sighed and leaned back against her pillow. Her mind was still a little hazy with exhaustion and tequila despite the fact that she had been asleep for nearly eleven hours. The two had tormented each other for the entire ferry ride, building themselves up for some pretty intense sex once they got home. It had been the final straw for their over-tired bodies, however, and both had fallen asleep within minutes of climaxing. She felt bad that Derek needed to be back to work by seven and didn't have the day off like she did. His involvement in the thirty-six hour shift they had worked was mostly voluntary, and he still had several surgeries scheduled this week. She tried to get him to call in sick, but he wouldn't hear of it. Instead, he reminded her of how good it would be when their schedules were synchronized and encouraged her to sleep.

Meredith yawned groggily and fought with the blankets to let her out of bed. Her head hurt a little from dehydration, and her muscles were tense from sleeping in the same position for too long. She stumbled over to the kitchen to find some breakfast, and grabbed her iPhone from her tote bag along the way.

_No new messages…Damn…_

She opened a web browser and started looking through the classified ads. If Cristina wasn't going to be proactive about finding an apartment, Meredith would do it for her. She missed her own bed.

The ads seemed to show many of the same apartments that Cristina had already found fault with, and the ones that were new listings were no better. She scanned the list one last time, and found her eyes focused on one apartment – the last one they had visited with the huge windows and scenic views.

Meredith reviewed the ad, remembering all of the details.

"_How can you not like this place, Cris? It's perfect! You could walk to work…and to Joe's…and you can see both the city and the mountains…"_

"_It's a little too Zen for me, and I don't meditate. But I promise that if I don't find a place of my own in a week or so, I'll consider it…"_

While the pictures on the website were often misleading and showed apartments in their best possible light, Meredith thought these particular pictures didn't do justice to the amazing apartment.

"_How do you and Derek feel about having roommates?"_

_"We hate it. They constantly walk in on us, and they don't give us a lot of privacy…"_

Meredith continued studying the ad, replaying her therapy session in her mind. Why _did_ she have roommates? Why _did_ she continue living in a house that she hated? She was struggling to come up with answers to these questions.

Without wasting another moment, Meredith impulsively clicked on the phone number and dialed the realtor in charge of the apartment.

The realtor answered immediately and explained that the apartment was still available and could handle immediate occupancy. She took all of the necessary information to fill out an application and scheduled an appointment to meet later in the afternoon once the application was processed. If things went smoothly, Meredith could have keys before dinner.

Meredith began jumping up and down in the trailer before she even got off the phone, nearly hitting her head on the low ceilings. She was beyond excited. She was ecstatic. The apartment was going to be hers – potentially hers and Derek's – and confirmation couldn't happen soon enough.


	22. Chapter 22

Meredith paced impatiently outside of the apartment building, waiting for the realtor to arrive. It was a little after two, and she felt like her life had been placed on pause for the last few hours as she waited to hear whether or not the place was hers.

She'd be approved. Of course, she'd be approved. She made a reasonable income. She had no debts. She owned a house. She was a great candidate for a one bedroom, one and a half bath apartment. And if she wasn't, she'd just reapply for it with Derek. This was going to happen. These were all just formalities.

But she was still nervous. And fidgety. And feeling more like an awkward preteen slouched against the wall at her first boy-girl dance than a neurosurgical resident in an adult relationship renting her first Seattle apartment.

She helped operate on brains and they questioned whether or not she was qualified to rent this apartment. Had the realtor suffered some traumatic brain injury herself?

_Just a formality, Mere…Just a formality…_

Waiting was painful.

A small red sports car finally pulled into the reserved spot in front of the building. A middle-aged woman wearing too much makeup and two inch heels strolled up to the entrance, a folder of papers and a large black purse in tow. Her pink skirt suit seemed a little too short to be professional, and Meredith suddenly understood why this great apartment had lasted this long on the market. It looked like real estate wasn't the only thing the realtor was trying to sell.

Meredith held her breath.

"Are you Dr. Grey?" the woman asked. A little bit of bright red lipstick stuck to the realtor's front teeth, and Meredith licked her own teeth self-consciously before answering.

"Um, yeah. Are you here to show me the apartment?" Meredith replied.

_Duh, Mere. She knew your name. Who else is this? Your fairy-freaking-godmother?_

"Yes. I'm Regina – we spoke earlier. Let's go inside," the woman responded, taking out a key to the apartment and unlocking the front door. "I take it you've seen this place already?"

"Yeah, I saw it on Saturday. But I wasn't looking to rent then. It was for a friend," Meredith admitted. The women walked to the elevator, heading toward the top floor. The wood-paneled elevator was small – much smaller than the one at Seattle Grace, and Meredith wondered if Derek's thing for elevators would spillover to this place. She hoped so. She smiled at the prospect.

"Did you just break up with someone?" Regina asked nosily.

"Excuse me?" Meredith choked, completely caught off guard by the question.

"You said you weren't looking for apartments for yourself on Saturday. Today's only Tuesday. Usually if things change that quickly it's because of a breakup or something," Regina twittered.

"Oh," Meredith mumbled. The elevator dinged and they stepped off onto the top floor. "No breakup, just looking for a change."

"That's good, dear…Well, here we are," Regina announced.

Meredith waited anxiously while Regina fumbled with the lock, and she looked around the hall. By her count, there were only two other apartments on this level – a small enough number to have some privacy, but a large enough number not to be completely isolated.

Meredith walked in and gasped. It was far better than she had remembered. The kitchen, though fairly small, sparkled with stainless steel appliances and granite countertops, and it opened into a large room that served as the living and dining areas. Enormous windows overlooking the sound to the west and the mountains to the north flanked the walls and flooded the room with natural light. She could instantly imagine Derek sitting in the room, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper in his flannel pajama bottoms. The thought gave her hope that she could even become a morning person.

Meredith continued touring into the bedroom. A quick mental measurement confirmed that a king sized bed would fit comfortably in there. It was carpeted, unlike the rest of the apartment, and heavy drapes hung on the wall, enabling them to choose between waking to sunlight or sleeping in total darkness. Walking further in, she gasped as she looked in the master bathroom. She hadn't even noticed that it had a garden tub the first time through. How could she have possibly missed that?

It would be perfect. Bubbly, romantic, and perfect. And theirs. No Izzie or Alex or Cristina or George. No interruptions, no distractions, no bad memories.

Just theirs.

"Are you still interested?" Regina asked, a little impatiently.

"Are you kidding? Of course I am," Meredith mused.

"Good," Regina smiled. "You've been approved. I've printed all of the paperwork and copies of the lease. I just need a few signatures, first and last months rent, and a security deposit, and then it's yours."

"Seriously?" Meredith gushed.

"Yeah. You could move in today, if you wanted," Regina confirmed, dangling the keys in front of her.

"Do you allow pets?" Meredith asked, thinking a little about Doc. She was curious more than anything. Nothing Regina could say was likely to be a deal-breaker.

"Do you have one now?" Regina asked, a small frown forming on her face.

"No, but we might get one someday…a dog…" Meredith speculated. It wasn't like they had really talked about it, but it could happen. They were dog lovers, and she wanted to be prepared for any contingency.

"Well yes, small and medium-sized dogs are allowed, but you may have to pay an extra security deposit if you get one. Just let us know."

"Okay," Meredith replied, satisfied.

She smiled and walked to the kitchen counter, racing through the paperwork and scrawling her name or initials on various lines.

"And if I want to add someone's name to the lease with me…?" Meredith asked cautiously.

"A boyfriend?" Regina responded, again seeming far too nosy.

"Yes," Meredith admitted. This time she didn't feel uncomfortable by Regina's prying. She was happy to answer that question.

"And what does he do?" Regina inquired.

"Will it matter to adding him to the lease?" Meredith shot back, growing a little impatient with the follow up questions rather than answers.

"Oh, no. You can add him if you want to. You'll just need to bring him to the office and fill out a few forms," Regina responded, frowning again slightly in disappointment.

"He's also a neurosurgeon," Meredith offered. "He's actually becoming the Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace." She had to admit, she liked saying that.

"That's wonderful, dear. So is this a transitional apartment? I'm sure with the money you two will be making, you could find a place much bigger than this."

Meredith blushed, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.

"I'm not sure. I think this will suit our needs just fine for now," Meredith responded politely. She finished writing the necessary checks, and traded them for the keys before Regina started sorting out all of the papers.

"Well, good luck, Dr. Grey. It's a great apartment, and I'm sure your doctor friend will like it as well." Regina packed up her copies, smiled politely at Meredith, and left.

It was done.

It was an apartment, and it was leased to Dr. Meredith Grey.

And it was empty.

Meredith ran around the place one last time, clinking heavily on the hardwood floors as she surveyed her new domicile. She couldn't wait to tell Derek about it, and she knew that dinner wouldn't happen soon enough.

But now, she needed to plan how she'd break the news.

She left the apartment, locking the door excitedly behind her, and raced down to her SUV. She still had a few things to take care of.

* * *

Cristina sat on the leather couch of the Grey house flipping through TV channels. She seemed so engaged in watching the scenes mutate from one station to the next that she didn't even hear Meredith come in. 

"America's Most Wanted? I didn't even know that show was still on," Meredith remarked as she noticed the station Cristina had finally settled on.

Cristina jumped a little at the sound of Meredith's voice, but quickly settled back into her calm and collected self.

"I'm just watching to see if Burke or his mom is on here," Cristina snarled.

"Right," Meredith sighed, amused. "This show's okay, but it's no _Unsolved Mysteries_. That was some good shit. Robert Stack, creepy music, and mysteries…unsolved." She plopped onto the couch next to Cristina and picked up a chenille throw pillow to hug.

"Yeah…" Cristina replied awkwardly. "I was just going to watch this for a few minutes before I go apartment hunting," she lied. She had no intention of looking for apartments this afternoon but suddenly felt guilty seeing Meredith.

"Don't bother," Meredith replied casually.

"No, really. I'll go. Seriously," Cristina insisted defensively.

"Cris…You don't need to move out…I've actually decided that, um, well, I am. I'm moving out," Meredith confessed.

Cristina's eyes grew wide. "You're moving to the trailer? Are you insane?"

"Actually, I'm not moving to the trailer…I got an apartment." Meredith fidgeted with the edges of the pillow while she waited for her friend's reaction.

"What? You're moving? An apartment? Is Derek moving in with you?" Cristina seemed almost frantic with questions, spoken and unspoken.

"Derek doesn't know yet. I'm going to tell him tonight, but I assume he'll move in with me. It's the last apartment we saw – the Zen fishbowl – and I think he'll love it," Meredith gushed, her enthusiasm palpable.

Cristina felt nauseous.

"And then when you fight, what are you going to do? Send him back to the trailer?" Cristina hissed unintentionally.

Meredith gasped, surprised by the negativity. "No, maybe we'll just spend a few weeks giving each other the silent treatment. I hear that's healthy and mature these days. Maybe we'll even get engaged," Meredith shot back icily, turning off the internal monitor that detected when her comments approached a line and when they crossed it.

She had clearly crossed it.

Cristina instantly turned pale with looks of shock and hurt flooding the places once flushed with color. It made Meredith instantly regret her comments.

"Cris, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like…that…" Meredith back-peddled. "It's just…"

"What is it, Mere? Tell me," Cristina demanded coldly. "You're the god damn expert on mature relationships these days! How else _could_ you have possibly meant that?"

"Well," Meredith started, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry that things didn't work out for you and Burke. I really, really am. I want to see you happy – you're my person. You deserve to be happy."

Meredith looked down at the pillow again, searching for the exact words to express what she wanted to say – _needed_ to say to her best friend.

"What happened to you sucked, but Derek is _not_ Burke, and I'm _not_ you. I don't question whether I want to be with Derek like you did with Burke. I know that I _do_. I'm _certain_ that I do. He's _it_ for me, Cris, and as much as I've tried to deny it, he's just…_it_. The _one_. If I don't try to make this work, I'm going to regret that for the rest of my life, and I don't want to end up bitter and alone like my mother did. I _need_ this. _We_ need this," Meredith insisted. She hadn't really thought about it in these terms before, but as the words left her lips, she knew them to be true.

Cristina stared at the floor for a couple moments, deep in thought, before looking up at Meredith.

"You're really going to do this?" Cristina asked reluctantly.

"I am. It's done," Meredith confirmed.

"Can I still jog there in the mornings if I'm having boy troubles?" Cristina inquired. Her eyes were wide with anticipation.

"Yes, but you might want to call first because if we're in bed, I'm not answering the door," Meredith replied, recalling the times Cristina had previously barged in on their morning canoodling.

"So basically no," Cristina said sarcastically.

The two sat quietly for a moment, reflecting on what this meant for their friendship. Meredith knew that this was a big deal – in some ways she was choosing Derek over Cristina, but she hoped that Cristina didn't feel betrayed by it. And deep down, Cristina knew this was inevitable. She even knew that it was the right decision.

"If he ever hurts you…If he does that again to you, Mere…I _will_ hurt him. I'll be a dirty pit fighter with a scalpel for you," Cristina urged.

"I know, Cris. And I've already put a hit out on Burke for you," Meredith grinned.

"Okay then."

"Okay."

Cristina stared at the TV for a couple minutes before turning it off. She was looking at the TV, but not really watching it. All she could think about was how much everything was changing – with Burke and Meredith and the hospital. But for now she was growing cautiously optimistic. Maybe change could be okay.

"When are you moving?" she asked.

"I already have the keys. No furniture, but I have keys. I could start moving today if I wanted," Meredith admitted.

"Well let's get to it. Your shit is really starting to get in my way," Cristina teased.

"Thank you," Meredith giggled, reaching over to hug Cristina.

Cristina tried to resist, but ultimately couldn't. The non-medical human contact had been almost nonexistent since her break up, and although she'd never admit it, she wanted a hug.

"Can I keep your bed?" Cristina asked, pulling away. "I've gotten used to it."

"I'll discuss it with Derek," Meredith replied. "I'm not sure that we'd be able to clear a path wide enough to get it out anyway with all of your stuff everywhere!"

"I know, that was all part of my master plan actually," Cristina teased back.

Meredith laughed and followed Cristina upstairs to her now former bedroom. She maybe didn't have important things like furniture settled yet, but she could certainly start packing the rest of her stuff.


	23. Chapter 23

Meredith raced to the hospital to meet Derek, making several rolling stops along the way and crossing intersections that were orange – not yellow lights, but nanoseconds away from being red. At least that's how she rationalized it. Fortunately she didn't need to explain that logic to any police officers along the way.

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, still adjusting to the feeling of wearing a low cut black dress and heels. She had spent the last few hours frantically trying to pack and prepare the new apartment for Derek's first encounter. Cristina had been surprisingly generous with her time and help, running errands for Meredith and facilitating the process, but it was still a lot to get done. When Derek had finally called and told Meredith of their seven-thirty reservation at Il Bistro, a romantic Italian restaurant, she almost wished they weren't going out for the evening. But it was one of his favorite restaurants, and after hearing him describe how much he had been fantasizing about seeing her in a dress, she didn't want to disappoint him.

Meredith peeled into the parking lot and pulled up to the main entrance. Derek sat outside on a bench casually talking to Mark. Mark was still wearing his scrubs and lab coat, clearly just taking a break, but Derek…Derek looked amazing. He was sporting a navy blue suit with white shirt and light blue tie, and the colors matched his eyes perfectly. She definitely hadn't seen him wear it before, and she didn't remember seeing it in his closet either. It made her wonder if he had gone shopping recently, but she dismissed the thought quickly. It wasn't particularly shocking – he was a bit of a clothing freak – a trait he certainly must have shared with Addison.

Derek and Mark both stood up, noticing that Meredith had finally arrived. She smiled and waved at both, barely managing to take her eyes off Derek to include Mark in her line of sight. Derek said something to Mark – _wish me luck, _maybe – and strolled over to Meredith's vehicle. Mark grinned and waved back at Meredith, winking at her behind Derek's back. She giggled and rolled her eyes at him before turning her attention back towards Derek. She leaned across the passenger seat and opened the door for him.

"Hi," he greeted, as he slid into the vacant seat and closed the door. He smelled of shampoo and aftershave, and the scent intensified as he leaned in close to her and kissed her lips passionately.

"Hi," she sighed back, melting from the kiss. "Did you have a good day?"

"Much better now," he admitted as he fastened his seat belt. "And you? Was it a productive day off?"

"Definitely. I got a lot done, today. You'd be impressed," she smiled mischievously.

"I see. I hope that all of your productivity hasn't left you tired this evening. I have big plans," he teased.

"Not tired at all," she responded. It was a little bit of a lie – the frenzied pace of her afternoon activity was exhausting, but she was too excited to let it wear her down. "A little curious, though. What are these plans you have?" She briefly turned toward him skeptically before refocusing on driving.

"Well, it will start with dinner because I'm starving, and it will end with me making love with you. What happens in between will be up to you," he replied, winking at her. He leaned over and began sliding his hand up her thigh. "I love when you wear dresses," he growled, pushing the silky black fabric into a bunch near her hip as he caressed her leg.

"Dinner first, remember?" she teased, swatting his hand away.

"Oh. Right." He retreated and quickly withdrew his hand from her pale skin.

"Hmmmph," Meredith pouted. She pulled down the skirt of her dress, blanketing her lap as she continued driving. Derek smiled at her disgruntled reaction.

They eventually arrived at the restaurant and climbed out of the SUV. Derek came around the vehicle and grabbed Meredith's hand in his. His other hand sank into his pants pocket, and he seemed nervous – unusually nervous – particularly for a man who was never nervous. Meredith squeezed his hand in three succinct motions as if to say "I.Love.You," and Derek squeezed back. Their eyes locked and he smiled at her, settling in the comfort of her gaze. He stopped fidgeting and led her down a cobblestone alley towards the entrance of the restaurant.

The contrast between the lighting levels outside the restaurant and those inside was dramatic. While the sun was still setting outside, the bistro was lit only by candles and shaded sconces on the walls, making it even more romantic. The host ushered them through a whitewashed archway towards a secluded table near the back, far away from the noise of the crowded dining room. It was intimate and isolated and perfect.

Derek ordered a bottle of wine and mulled over the rest of the menu. He still seemed a little distracted despite his constant gazing at Meredith, and it was beginning to make Meredith feel a little nervous herself.

"What?" she finally asked, self-conscious.

"Hmmm?" he responded, as if being woken up from a dream.

"You're staring…at me…and it's not polite…" she argued.

"Sorry," he stammered. "You're stunning. I can't help it," he shrugged.

"You're forgiven," she laughed. Meredith fidgeted slightly before reaching up to play with her hair a little, coiling and uncoiling several strands around her index finger while Derek watched, mesmerized.

They ordered their dinners and sipped wine awkwardly, both half expecting the other to say something.

"So, I'm presenting some research at a conference in San Francisco in a few weeks," Derek finally said, breaking the silence. "You should come with me."

"San Francisco? I love San Francisco," Meredith beamed excitedly.

"Me too. We could make a few days of it, do the touristy thing."

"That would be awesome, but I don't know if I can get the time off," Meredith answered.

"Really? You should try asking the new chief," Derek grinned. "I bet he would let you go for a few days. It's a conference, so it could technically count as work."

"I just might have to do that," Meredith responded, a sly grin spreading across her lips. "I just wouldn't want to create the perception that he was giving special treatment to one of the residents."

"Don't worry, he can handle it," Derek winked.

They made their way through appetizers and entrees, continuing to feel an awkward tension. Meredith was dying to tell Derek about the apartment, but she wanted to wait until after dinner so she wouldn't ruin the surprise she had planned. Still, she sensed that he was holding something back as well.

They ordered coffee and tiramisu for dessert, and Derek's nervousness was palpable.

"Mere," he finally started.

She bit her lower lip nervously, scared of what he was going to say. She lifted her napkin to the table and began fidgeting with it, only to have him rest his hand gently on hers. It was warm and soothing.

"I wanted to ask you something, and it's okay if you say no…"

Oh shit. "What is it?"

"I'm…I've been talking to Richard about this for a while, and want your okay before we go ahead with this, but…how would you feel about the hospital setting up an endowment in your mother's name for Alzheimer's research?"

"Seriously?" You brought me to a romantic restaurant to ask me about that?

"Yeah, she was an important figure in the hospital's history, and I feel like we could raise a lot of money for her. I'd probably want you to help a little with that – go to a few fundraisers with me, but are you okay with that? I don't want to do it if you don't want to or think she wouldn't have wanted it," Derek insisted, still nervous.

"Derek, I think that's a great idea. I'm…touched. It's really sweet that you want to do that for her," Meredith finally responded.

"I'm not doing it for her. I'm doing it more for you, to help you honor her memory. And that's one of the reasons I was working so late with Richard last night, actually. We were planning our proposal," Derek admitted.

Meredith smiled at him, unsure what to say. It really was a sweet thing for him to do, although it was completely unexpected.

"Was that why you've been so nervous and distracted this evening? Were you nervous about asking me that?" Meredith pried.

"Yeah, I guess so. I wasn't sure how you'd react. I should have discussed it with you before talking to Richard, and I didn't want you to be upset about it," Derek explained. "I didn't want you to think that I was meddling in family things or sneaking around behind your back to set this up."

"Oh," Meredith sighed, a little disappointed.

"Why, what did you think?" he asked, surprised. "Oh…" he realized. "You thought I might propose tonight, didn't you?" Derek said. His smile reached the corners of his eyes.

"I don't know, maybe…" Meredith confessed. "We're all dressed up in a super romantic restaurant and you were nervous…You're _never_ nervous…"

"Are you disappointed?" he asked, sliding his fingers over the soft skin on her left hand and delicately tracing the spaces an engagement ring would cover.

"No," she lied.

"Because I don't want to disappoint you," Derek said. He honestly hadn't planned to propose this evening, but he realized how easily she may have gotten that impression. And he was willing to ask her if that's what she wanted – if she was ready for that. He didn't have a ring, but he knew it was what he wanted.

"It's fine. I don't mind waiting. There's no rush. And we'd be rushing. If we got engaged now, it would be rushing. We're not rushing this time," she rambled.

"I promise I'll make the proposal worth your wait," he assured, laughing a little at her reaction. He supposed that her reaction meant that he had the go ahead signal for some point in the not-so-distant future, and the prospect was exciting.

They finished their dessert and paid the bill as Derek returned to his discussion of the endowment and the plans he had for it. Meredith tried to maintain her focus on what he was saying, but she felt herself getting nervous about the apartment. Now she was the distracted, fidgety one.

The sky was dark, but clear, once they left the restaurant. It was a rare, rain-free evening in Seattle, and even with the glow of the city lights she was able to see a few stars as they walked back toward her car. She shivered a little from the cool night air, but Derek quickly took off his jacket and placed it over her shoulders, a perfect gentleman as always.

"So…do you want to go back to the trailer?" Derek asked anxiously.

Meredith stared at him. He was giving her that look – his sex look – the one that said "I'm undressing you with my eyes and imagining you naked and I want you now."

"Actually, let's go grab a drink at Joe's first," Meredith suggested.

"Okay," Derek said, sounding a little disappointed.

She drove them to Joe's and parked in the far corner of the parking lot. They got out of the car and started walking towards the door. The place looked like it had the typical Wednesday-night crowd, but she had no intention of going in.

"Actually…it's a nice night…do you want to go for a walk first?" Meredith asked, fidgeting.

Now Derek was suspicious.

"You don't…walk. And you're wearing heels…"

"I know, but…just a few blocks…please?" she begged. So much for acting casual about it...

"Um, okay," Derek responded. _What have you done with my Meredith?_

She led him a few blocks, trying not to let him notice how cold and clammy her hands were becoming as they walked hand in hand. They were both quiet, and Derek really had no idea what to make of this development.

Eventually they came to the brick building housing the apartment, and Meredith stopped. She took a deep breath and withdrew her hand from his, allowing her to turn and face him.

"Derek…" she started, determined.

"Yeah?" he asked in surprise.

"These last few days have been amazing. I'm happier now than I've ever been in all the time we've been together, and…"

"I'm happy, too, Mere," he assured. He lifted his hand toward her face, cupping her jawline tenderly as he gazed at her.

"No, wait, don't. I need to get this out and you're distracting me with sex looks, and if you do that I won't be able to say what I've been planning all day to say," she stammered.

Derek pulled back in amused confusion.

"What we have now is good, great even, but it's not enough. The trailer is too small and it's far away and it won't work, Derek. And I like being with you. Sleeping with you…not just the sex, but the waking up together, too…and if this is a permanent thing – the you and me being happy thing – or if we're going to try to _make_ it permanent, then we need something different. So, what I'm wondering is…what I'm asking you is…" she awkwardly paused and reached into her small purse, pulling out a gold key, "will you move in with me?"

Derek's eyes grew wide with confusion.

"Meredith," he gasped, trying to make sense of what she was saying. "Did Cristina move out? What about your other roommates?"

"No, I'm not asking you to move into my mother's house," she said, suddenly feeling flustered. "I got an apartment – one that's just for us…"

"You _what_?" he asked, completely caught off guard.

"Yeah, today. I know, I probably should have talked to you about it first and that maybe we should have looked for an apartment together, but I saw this one the other day and it seemed so perfect that I just did it. It's done. It's mine, and hopefully…ours," she rambled. She shifted her weight back and forth from left to right as she nervously awaited his response.

"I…I don't know what to say…"

"Say yes, Derek. Say you'll move in," she begged.

"Of course, I'll move in! I'm just surprised. Is it…is it here?" he asked nodding towards the brick building.

"Yes!" she shrieked, throwing her arms around him in relief.

He laughed a little at her reaction, but held her tightly nonetheless.

She kissed him quickly before leading him inside, anxious to show him the interior of their apartment.

"Ah, an elevator. Excellent start, Dr. Grey," he teased as they went inside the small space.

"I thought you'd like it. It's the little details like that that told me you'd love this place," she shot back, snuggling into him.

They reached the top floor, and she guided him towards the apartment, stepping aside while he used his new key in the lock. They smiled at each other as the door opened. The key worked.

Derek stepped inside and flicked on the lights, gasping a little as he saw the space.

She was right. It _was _perfect.

"Mere…" escaped his lips as he admired the hardwood floors and spacious layout. He could see the ferry boats crossing the sound through the west window, and while it was too dark to see the mountains well through the north window, he knew that they'd be visible in the morning.

Meredith rushed ahead to the bedroom area, giving him some space to inspect the flat as she finished her preparations.

"This is…ours?" he asked, still in awe.

"Yes!" she replied giddily as she lit some candles in the bathroom around the edge of the large garden tub. She turned on the water and began to prepare a bath.

Derek turned the corner and walked into the bedroom. A large air mattress flanked the floor of the room, and a few boxes lined the perimeter walls.

"We'll need a new bed," he joked.

"I know," she responded, walking back out to join him as the tub filled with bubbles and hot water. "We can go shopping for furniture on our next day off together," she assured.

"That sounds like fun," he said, wrapping his arm around her. They walked slowly towards the bathroom as Derek continued to explore the apartment.

"Do you like it?" Meredith asked, her eyes wide and sparkling with wonder.

"I love it. It's perfect," he sighed, leaning in to kiss her. Their tongues intertwined with one another longingly, leaving each person breathless when they eventually pulled away.

"And you haven't even seen the best part yet," Meredith purred, pulling him into the candlelit bathroom.

The lights around the tub flickered and danced, casting long shadows along the wall. Even though Meredith had only been a tenant for a few hours, the room already smelled like lavender. And to Derek, that meant that it smelled like home.

"We have a tub?" he gasped, raising his eyes at her seductively.

"We have a tub," she repeated. She lifted her dress off her body, leaving her wearing only a black lace bra and panties. She walked in front of him and bent over the tub, turning off the water. Her particular position gave him a great view of her lithe, curvy body, and he immediately moved towards her, desperate to touch her.

She turned back towards him and began undoing his tie while he unfastened her bra. Their eyes were locked on each other.

"I love you so much, Meredith," he whispered anxiously.

"I love you, too," she responded before kissing him gently.

They finished undressing quickly, and slid into the tub. Derek wrapped his arms and legs around Meredith's as she leaned back into him, allowing the hot bubbly water to wash away any of the doubts and insecurities that still lingered between them. They were getting another chance with a fresh start, and that was all that mattered to either one.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to all of the readers who have been so supportive of this fic! I'm both happy and sad that it's over. It's been quite the labor of love, and I learned a lot while writing it. I will certainly write more MerDer fics in the future (although it will be after a much needed break). If you enjoyed this, you might want to add me to your author alerts so you know when I start my next project. Who knows – maybe it will even be a sequel!**


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